In search of the perfect gift:

There's nothing I like better than killing several birds with one stone (figuratively speaking--killing anything, especially with a rock, would be serious business and probably wouldn't be enjoyable, per se).

Where was I? Ah, yes. The Christmas season in all its frantic glory, schitzophrenically burdened with all its acquisitive negativity and nativity and generosity and commercialization and shopping competetiveness, which seems to carry over even to the way city people drive their cars at this time of year.

What's that got to do with sex, you say? Well, I have discovered the perfect Christmas gift for your wife. It not only solves the problem of what to get the woman who has pretty much everything, but also relieves those troubling gender-related communication problems.

Where, pray, would one procure such a perfect pleaser? I, quite by accident, discovered something better than Victoria's Secret (into which no man ventures without jeopardizing his morals or emerges undisguised without jeopardizing his reputation in the community).

It's called Krispy-Kreme Doughnuts, and, although they apparently cannot spell, they sell great tasting doughnuts and coffee as well (add another bird). But their main business is gifts for the hard-to-buy-for.

For the kids, they have neat little miniature Krispy-Kreme stores with a little sign on top that turns by itself. They have little billboard-type signs such as a store would have out by the highway. They have little people and a miniature Hot-Wheels type delivery wagon to drive around the sign and past the little takeout window. Cool.

For your teenagers, they have a variety of tee shirts and baseball caps.

And THEN they have the adult gifts. You can buy boxer shorts with little logo's and donuts printed all over them. How's that for, well you know. I think I'll buy a pair as sleepwear for my wife. I asked the Mexican lady behind the counter what sizes they came in, which was embarrassing, but less so than if there had been anybody else in the place, and certainly less than a sortie into some ladies undergarment section. We had a rather too-lengthy-for-comfort misunderstanding about what I was talking about. Shorts apparently means "briefs" or something in Mexico, which I finally figured out when she said these weren't shorts they were boxers. Or maybe shorts means "ladies shorts" in Mexico. She also kept repeating that they were for boys. Boys means "men" in Mexico, because I told her that I wanted them for my wife, and she wouldn't sell them to me because they were for boys. I finally gave it up and just said "give me the large." She, apparently not suspecting that I don't like boxers, complied. Now I only have to wonder whether the size is a boy's large or an adult large, but I was willing to take my chances to escape the strange conversation. (By the way, making a circle with your hands and thinking "about, oh, so big" doesn't help when the merchandise is two-dimensional flat on the counter.)

I also got a tee shirt, and then I spied it, one side pinned to the wall in a display in such a way that you could hardly see the front. It was a baseball cap with lettering like the little neon Krispy-Kreme sign in the window. It said "Hot" in big letters at the top of the logo and "Now" at the bottom.

So you see what I mean. Having trouble with all the "signals" stuff with your wife? Confused by the pop psychology and self-help books on communication between the sexes? Just get her a Krispy-Kreme donut baseball cap.

I've tried the sexy sleepwear thing and found it unsatisfactory in three ways: 1) buying it is problemmatic (see above Victoria's Secret note), 2) sometimes she wears it when she doesn't mean to send a signal at all, and 3) more often, she gravitates back to her old unsexy stuff over time, and you're right back where you started.

But with the Hot...Now baseball cap, there's no misunderstanding, and yet, people who do not suspect her intent aren't offended. They just think it's a logo cap. They may wonder why she wears it in the house to watch TV, but so what. We don't have many friends over at that time of night anyway.

On second thought, what if I give it to her and explain, and then she never wears it? Hmm. That kind-of happened with archery equipment I gave her for her birthday one time. But it would be even more devastating in this instance. You don't want to think about your libido gathering dust in the closet for years like that bow. Alas. Maybe I'll just give it to someone else and not explain anything.

Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time. (Sigh.)

-- J (jsnider@hal-pc.org), December 16, 2003

Answers

Lol J. It's nice to know you've gone to such a lot of effort getting just the right present. Boxers and a t/shirt make great comfy sleepwear. Just a couple of clues for you here if you don't mind. Be very careful giving your wife something sized Large if she's not actually fairly cuddly. Also if she wears glasses, make sure she's got them on when you give her the cap. Otherwise she might think it says "NOT...NOW" and that could lead to all sorts of misunderstandings.

Afterthought: We Aussies are notorious for giving people nicknames, so in my mind you are now "Dusty" which kinds of fits with ole Lon Frankenstein who to me is "Rusty". Just kidding here.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), December 17, 2003.

Cuddly? No cactus is cuddly, no matter how shapely the leaves. (Too much desert time and you begin to learn painful lessons.) And Large? She's almost as tall as I am and hasn't been anything but large since Jr High! Nice but not petite. I figure the large size is kind of one-size fits all anyway. It really didn't look too big in the waist due to the elastic waistband. I've already acknowledged the inadequacy of my methods of estimating size. And, by the way, I don't get it about womens' clothing sizes. A size 6 or 10 on a five-footer is still a size 6 or 10 on a six footer. How's that make any sense? Yeah, I know, that's another subject. But I'll have to admit to having concealed my motives to a degree--I only used her as an excuse. I was buying the stuff for someone else as a kind of joke gift, and when I spied the HotNow hat, the domestic possibilities began to impose themselves on my brain, leading to the posting. Also, when you're embarrassed about buying underwear at a donut shop (can you imagine?), sometimes you say it's for someone else. Holding them up to your own belt buckle for size wouldn't be an option. Saying they're for a friend or the wife of a friend is somehow not an option either. (Although, given the language barrier, I shouldn't have worried so much.)

The NotNow possibility didn't occur to me. Thanks. Great. Something else to worry about.

But where was I? Oh, right. Muse intervention. Sometimes I fight the thoughts, and people wonder if they should call the cops or ambulance. Resistance involves grabbing my head and running around the room bending and straightening and yelling "No! NO! Not THAT!" But resistance is futile, muses usually win out. All you can hope to do is mitigate your dusty closet time by toning down the language. That, and clearing the parking lot before the police get there. What? You were thinking Ol Lon was the only one with an evil twin?

But don't get the idea that we're all "tres strange," as T the C said. We're not strange. We're normal. Really we are. Quite normal. (Reminds me of an ad for the TV show Frazier I saw once where the father looks at his sons and says something like "No, you're not odd. You're (hesitating)...special".)

Uh oh. I think I'd better...Oh no, not again! "Not THAT!"

-- why'd_I_ (post_it@lemmeouta.here), December 17, 2003.

Lol J. Don't ever fight the muse, I like the way you think. And I think "special" sounds a bit nicer that "different" as I have been referred to.

I used to know a bloke called Cactus. I never could work out if it was because he was a bit prickly or that he could hold a heck of a lot of the amber fluid.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), December 17, 2003.

LOL, J!

A man who buys undies at a Krispy Kreme! I think I love you!

Yeah, baby!

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), December 18, 2003.

Wh..where'd you get that Krispy-Kreme donut logo? How'd you get it onto this site. It's...it's...obscene!

Lemme outa here! (Scrambling awkwardly for the icebox and a glass of milk. Milk and coffee are, of course, antidotes and must be taken immediately after contact with Krispy-Kreme or no telling what will happen.)

-- J (jsnider@hal-pc.org), December 20, 2003.

Welllll, it *used* to be that us Canuckians had Tim Horton's donut shops that could beat even Krispy Kremes (in my oh so un-humble opinion). But they recently had a change at the head office and now they don't make all their own donuts on site, they just finish them there. And they discontinued the best variety :-(

Boo, hiss on "progress"

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@Telusplanet.ent), December 22, 2003.