In my next life....I want to be a bear.

If you're a bear, you get to hibernate. You do nothing but sleep for six months. ***I could deal with that.

Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. ***I could deal with that, too.

If you're a bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts)while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. ***I could definitely deal with that.

If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. ***I could deal with that.

If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat. ***Yup.......Gonna be a bear!

Hope life eases up a bit for you ladies. Cheers. Carol.

-- Carol (carfred@hotmail.com), November 22, 2002

Answers

A girl calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me... I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The girl says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He held her hand and said, "Second, I'd advise you to relax. Let's have a cup of coffee, then ........................" he sighed, "let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box."

Sorry, I can't sleep. I will go to bed and leave you alone now. Hope you're all doing okay. Cheers.

-- Carol (need@chuckle.com), November 22, 2002.

(((((Carol)))))

I think a joke thread is an excellent idea. I'll see what I can find to add...

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), November 22, 2002.

lol Carol!

-- helen (if@blondes.have.more.fun.what.am.I.doing.gray?), November 22, 2002.

Got this one in an email:

Pregnancy Q & A

The Answer Woman Tackles Pregnancy:

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?

A: Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?

A: Have sex once a year.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?

A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I've been pregnant, I can't go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

A: Depends on what you're doing with them.

Q: What is a chastity belt?

A: A labor-saving device.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband's is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?

A: Then the jig is up. You're busted!

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?

A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?

A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?

A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?

A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?

A: When it's a girl, for starters.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?

A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

A: It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?

A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?

A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?

A: Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Nannies aren't cheap are they?

A: Not usually, but occasionally you'll find a floozy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), November 23, 2002.

Yeah, yeah, chick jokes. Har har.

Actually, a couple of 'em were pretty good, especially that corn flake one (although it's older'n some of my body parts) (snarf)

I only read 'em because I'm hanging around to read THE LAST OF THE STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, since I been so nice lately, I was wonderin', which one of youse loverly creatures is gonna tantalize me with Thanksgivin' dinner plans. (I know an invite is out of the question, but I don't really need ya, anyway, you know.)

-- Lon Frankenstien (evil@the.bayou), November 23, 2002.

Miss Gayla ..

Are you gonna fax him some of that there corn flakes cereal you'all just picked up from the table?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Mareitte, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), November 23, 2002.

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check-up.

The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

The 80-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went;

"Bang, bang," and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?"

The 80-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Mareitte, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), November 23, 2002.

giggle

sigh ... ok, really I'm painting the house. sniffle

But I'll just get back on that ...

-- helen (snarf@snort.hoo.wee.), November 23, 2002.

Helen, painting? Ya got company coming for Thanksgiving??? A big hug to ya Gayla, this too shall pass! And then there is this contribution, shamelessly stolen from another forum:

http://www.mamselle.ca/error.html



-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), November 24, 2002.

---

Where IS the hotlinker anyways??

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), November 24, 2002.

---

---

Cleaning up after Aunt Bee. ;-)

HTML doesn't link automatically. I'll see if I can help.

Read this page.

-- Gayla (thanks@for.the hug), November 24, 2002.

Thanks friend! I'll see if I can do it right the next time! :)))

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), November 24, 2002.

Boudreaux and Thibodeaux worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Boudreaux answered, "Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies' cotton panties."

The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay. Thibodeaux was asked his occupation. "Diesel Fitter," he replied. Since diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Thibodeaux $600 a week. When Boudreaux found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and coworker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, "Panty stitchers are unskilled and diesel fitters are skilled labor."

"What skill?" yelled Boudreaux. "I sew the elastic on da panties, Thibodeaux puts dem over his head and says: "Yeah, diesel fitter."

-- Lon Frankenstien (evil@the.bayou), November 25, 2002.

I love it! J

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), November 25, 2002.

A bloke joke

Damn, It's Great to Be a Man!

Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be president. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky. Same work... more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding Dress $5000; Tux rental $100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood, ALL the damn time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. Dry cleaners and hair stylists don't rob you blind. You can kill your own food. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend. Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack at WalMart If you are 34 and single, nobody notices. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You don't have to clean your apartment if the maid is coming. You can quietly watch a game with a buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me". You don't mooch off other's desserts. You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You don't have to shave below your neck. Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons. You can do your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

Damn, It's Great to Be a Man!

Did the neatest thing yesterday. My daughter surprised me with a half hour helicopter ride in a small farm type vehicle (no doors etc.). I was scared sh..less, but enjoyed every minute of it. If you ever get the chance try it, what a blast.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), November 28, 2002.

LOl Carol, I must have missed this one!

I had a fabulous helicopter ride in Maui! I'd go again in a New York Minute!

Here's one that made me laugh:

My dear Aunt Kitty passed away last Fall. She was my father's only sister and was a really fun and sweet woman. She had her moments but for the most part I remember her laughing and telling the most outrageous stories of her youth back in the 1930's in Kansas City where she pretty much led all the boys around by the nose (she was a looker) and just had a high old time playing her uke, drinking from a flask and flashing an ankle now and again....anyway, at her funeral we were all there...one of her three sons, I don't know which, decided that it would be a sweet gesture to put one of her little stuffed doggies in the casket with her...ok, it was a sweet gesture, she did love dogs and hadn't been able to have a real dog for years due to the policy of the assisted living place she was at and she had dozens of the toy variety that were all over her apartment, ( many of which became part of her curse/endowment to me along with countless coffee mugs and shot glasses from all over the universe)...we carried her to the waiting hearse and proceeded to the cemetary where everyone was gathered for the graveside service. Not being used to 'pallbearing' I can tell you that these things are heavy! We made it to the bier and placed the casket on the frame with perhaps a bit too much of a bump. When we were finishing a hymn and just as the minister began to recite the ashes to ashes and dust to dust part of the service we could all hear a faint and remote mechanical barking followed by a 'thumping sound'. We all knew immediately what it was. The stuffed dog was one of those barking and flipping sorts and the batteries were still in it and it had somehow been turned on by our jostling of the casket. All solemnity went out the window at that point and even the minister was moved to tears of laughter when someone farted very loudly amidst the uproar. He wanted to know if the family wished for the funeral director to open the casket and deactivate the toy and we all said "NO!" in unison. It was what our mother/aunt wanted and it was the way she wished to go. It was the funniest and most lighthearted send off I ever was part of. Surely if there is anything to the after-life my Aunt Kitty was laughing at it herself.

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), December 02, 2002.

Nice story .... And a beautiful recovery by you, and your family, to appreciate her life.

But, are you sure your Aunt didn't figure out a way to "goose" the dog?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (cook.r@csaatl.com), December 02, 2002.

LOL Robert! Not my story, just sharing some one else's story! And um, goosing the dog....NOT!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), December 03, 2002.

Nice one Aunt Bee. It sounds like Aunt Kitty had the last laugh and so it should be. I'm glad you enjoyed your helicopter ride too. I wasn't too sure how I would go as I'm afraid of heights (yeah I know woosy), but the pilot had the most mischevious grin when he turned the thing and I was on the down side. Cheers.

-- Carol (c@oz.com), December 05, 2002.

I am terrified of heights as well Carol! I mean, like I'm ok, looking down from the second story, as long as I can firmly, white knuckle grip the railing!!! I think that michevious grin must be inherent in profession!! The pilot on our flight grinned and had a tiny diamond embedded in one of his canine teeth! OMG I thought! On the van ride back from the helicopter ride, I asked the driver about the diamond. He replied, "You know what they say!" and I said no, what? He came back with "Put your money where your mouth is!" I actually have a VCR tape of the whole experience! (Except the part where the honeymooner next to me was tossing her sausage and eggs- LOL!). Multiple times I might add!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), December 05, 2002.

LOL Aunt Bee. I think we're very brave. I was so glad I didn't throw- up, as was the pilot (there wasn't a lot of room in there). I didn't get a video, but I took lots of photo's. Cheers.

-- Carol (C@the brave.com), December 06, 2002.