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Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees a big bad wolf crouched down behind a log.
"My, what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf."
The wolf jumps up and runs away. Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched behind a bush.
"My what big ears you have, Mr. Wolf."
Again the wolf jumps up and runs away. About two miles down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again and this time he is crouched down behind a rock.
"My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf."
With that the wolf jumps up and screams, "Will you knock it off, I'm trying to sh^t!
-- Anonymous, September 09, 2002
A woman decides to have a facelift for her birthday. She spends $5,000.00 and feels pretty good about the results. On her way home she stops at a newsstand to buy a paper. Before leaving, she asks the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32" the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47, " the woman says happily. A little while later she goes into a McDonalds and upon getting her order, asks the counter girl the same question. She replies "I'd guess about 29". The woman replies, "Nope, I am 47." Now she is feeling really good about herself. While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question. He replies "I'm 78 and my eyesight is starting to go. When I was young, there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to let me put my hands up your shirt and feel your
boobs. > > > Then I can tell you exactly how old you are. " They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead. " The old man slips both hands up her shirt, under her bra, and begins
to feel around. After a couple of minutes she says, "Okay, okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands and says, "Your are 47". Stunned the woman says, "That is amazing. how did you know?" The old man replies, "I was behind you in line at McDonalds".
(my kind of guy)
-- Anonymous, September 09, 2002
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed," she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
She did. He pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."
-- Anonymous, September 10, 2002
WHEN MY WIFE'S LITTLE SISTER, Patty, was very young, she was allowed to have her best friend, a boy named Rory, over to spend the night. As the children grew toward adolescence, their parents knew that someday the sleepovers would have to end. One night, when Rory and his family were visiting, everyone gathered around the television to watch the Miss America pageant. When Patty asked if Rory could stay over, the parents hesitated, wondering if the time had finally come to discontinue the tradition. At that moment, the pageant host announced a contestant's measurements: 36-22-36. "Rory," his mom asked, "what are those numbers?" The boy thought for only a moment before responding, "Ninety- four?" Rory got to spend the night. -- Contributed to Reader's Digest "Life In These United States" by Ron Pyron
-- Anonymous, September 11, 2002
Bill of rights
Don't mess with mothers or fathers....
My son came home from school one day,
with a smirk upon his face. He decided he was smart enough, to put me in my place.
Guess what I learned in Civics Two, that's taught by Mr. Wright? It's all about the laws today, The "Children's Bill of Rights."
It says I need not clean my room, don't have to cut my hair. No one can tell me what to think, or speak, or what to wear.
I have freedom from religion, and regardless what you say, I don't have to bow my head, and I sure don't have to pray.
I can wear earrings if I want, and pierce my tongue &nose. I can read &watch just what I like, get tattoos from head to toe.
And if you ever spank me, I'll charge you with a crime. I'll back up all my charges, with the marks on my behind.
Don't you ever touch me, my body's only for my use, not for your hugs and kisses, that's just more child abuse.
Don't preach about your morals, like your Mama did to you. That's nothing more than mind control, And it's illegal too!
Mom and dad, I have these children's rights, so you can't influence me, Or I'll call Children's Services Division, better known as C.S .D.
Of course my first instinct was To toss him out the door. But the chance to teach him a lesson made me think a little more.
I mulled it over carefully, I couldn't let this go. A smile crept upon my face, he's messing with a pro.
Next day I took him shopping at the local Goodwill Store. I told him, "Pick out all you want, there's shirts &pants galore.
I've called and checked with C.S.D. who said they didn't care if I bought you K-Mart shoes Instead of those Nike Airs
I've canceled that appointment to take your driver 's test. The C.S.D. is unconcerned so I'll decide what 's best.
I said "No time to stop and eat, or pick up stuff to munch. And tomorrow you can start to learn to make your own sack lunch.
Just save the raging appetite, and wait till dinner time. We're having liver and onions, a favorite dish of mine.
He asked "Can I please rent a movie, to watch on my VCR? "Sorry, but I sold your TV, for new tires on my car.
I also rented out your room, You will take the couch instead The C.S.D. requires just a roof over your head.
Your clothing won't be trendy now, I'll choose what we eat. That allowance that you used to get, will buy me something neat.
I'm selling off your jet ski, dirt-bike &roller blades. Check out the "Parents Bill of Rights," It's in effect today!
Hey hot shot, are you crying, why are you on your knees? Are you asking God to help you out, instead of C.S.D..?
Send to all people that have teenagers or have already raised teenagers, or have children who will soon be teenagers or those who will be parents someday OR ANYONE WHO'D JUST GET A LAUGH ... I love this One!
-- Anonymous, September 12, 2002
A woman went to the doctors office, where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story. After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway to the back where the first doctor was and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
-- Anonymous, September 17, 2002
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, and this had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, Mrs.Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and his roommate, Stephanie, than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?".
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
"Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from the house, and I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle, but the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
"Dear Son, I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Stephanie, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with Stephanie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
-- Anonymous, September 17, 2002