joke of the week : LUSENET : Unk's Troll-free Private Saloon : One Thread

While trying to escape through Pakistan, Osama Bin Laden found a bottle on a beach and picked it up. Suddenly, a female genie rose from the bottle and with a smile said "Master, may I grant you one wish?"

"You ignorant unworthy daughter-of-a-dog! Don't you know who I am? I don't need any common woman giving me anything" barked Bin Laden.

The shocked genie said "Please, I must grant you a wish or I will be returned to that bottle forever." Osama thought a moment. Then grumbled about the impertinence of the woman, and said "Very well, I want to awaken with three white women in my bed in the morning, so just do it and be off with you !"

The annoyed genie said, "So be it !" and disappeared. The next morning Bin Laden woke up in bed with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding, and Hillary Clinton. His penis was gone, his knee was broken, and he had no health insurance.

God is good.

-- maria (, July 29, 2002


Good joke, Maria, but if this trio gets into my subconscious and I have a horrible nightmare, I'm going to blame you.

-- Peter Errington (, July 29, 2002.

Raisin Bread

A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties.

One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof) and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says politely.

The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he surmised he would be. Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he's having company for dinner.

As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on.Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer. Pretty soon each male patron is asking for raisin bread, just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she's tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try this bread for herself!!

Finally once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her. Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is yours raisin, too?" No," croaks the old man...."But it's startin' to quiver."

-- Aunt Bee (, July 29, 2002.

Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes yourtesticles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live anew life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit.

"The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... sleeve and...16 and a half neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ... "The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2...E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?

"Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and thesalesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

-- Aunt Bee (, July 29, 2002.

The Heimlich Maneuver

Two cowboys from Arkansas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and talking quietly about cattle prices.

Suddenly a woman at a table behind them who had been eating a sandwich begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. The cowboys turn to look at her.

"Kin yah swallow? Asked one of the cowboys. The woman shakes her head "No" "Kin yah breathe?" asked the other cowboy. The woman, beginning to turn a bit blue, shakes her head "NO" again.

The first cowboy walks over to her, lifts up the back of her skirt, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. This shocks the woman to a violent spasm, the obstruction flies out of her mouth, and she begins to breathe again.

The cowboy walks back over to the bar and takes a drink of his beer. His partner says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there Hind Lick Maneuver, but I ain't never seen nobody do it.

-- Aunt Bee (, July 29, 2002.

Great ones Aunt Bee!

Sorry 'bout that Peter, here's some others:

Male or Female?


-- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.


--female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.


--male, because it goes bald and is often over-inflated.


--male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it . . . and, of course, there's the hot air part.


--female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.


--female, because it is always getting hit on.


--male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.


--female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up; because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are pushed; because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.


--male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.


--male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.


--male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.


--Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it; and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

-- Maria (, July 30, 2002.

There was a "Husband Shopping Center" where a woman could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to exit the building. So, a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.

First floor: The door had a sign saying "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and say, "Well that's better than not having jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they go.

Second floor: Says "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking" Hummm, say the girls. But, I wonder what's further up?

Third floor: "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." WOW! say the women. Very tempting, BUT, there's further up! And up they go.

Fourth floor: "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak." Oh mercy me. But just think! What must be awaiting us further up! So up to the fifth floor they go.

Fifth floor: The sign on the door said, "This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to please. Please exit the building and have a nice day.

-- Maria (, July 31, 2002.

A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical. The doctor does an initial examination - ears, throat, blood pressure etc. He then asks the man to disrobe so he can do the fully monty (so to speak).

After the man has disrobed the doctor notices that he has an orange penis. Not wanting to blurt out the question that is on the tip of his tongue, the doctor thinks of a way of asking about about this strange phenomenon.

"Are there any genetic illnesses in your family?"

"No, we're all pretty normal and healthy" says the man.

"Have you suffered a sports injury lately"?

"No, I don't play any sports"

"Hmmmm" says the doctor, "are you exposed to any toxic chemicals at work?"

"No" says the man. "In fact, I'm between jobs right now and I'm actually looking for work."

The doctor then asks, "so what do you do all day?"

"Not much, really. Just sit around the house watching pornos and eating cheesies"

-- Cousin Ernie (jokeman@jokeman.con), August 01, 2002.

Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

A: Because sheep can hear zippers.

-- Animals (, August 04, 2002.

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