About six weeks ago, a very lean stray pooch showed up out at the bayou. She was hanging around, looking hungry, so I gave her some food just to keep her alive until one of the other neighbors could take her in. Well, naturally, before I had the food bag put away, my wife had named her, put a flea collar on her and invited her into the house where she was sleeping in my favorite chair. And of course, you know what happened next - six puppies.

So now I have a pile of little fat sausages huddled on a blanket in the middle of my office. Katy is playing baby-sitter, and is fascinated by them. I don’t know if she really knows what they are, or if she thinks that we’ll use them for fish bait later this afternoon. Charlie is still too sick to pay them much mind, but Allie cat makes no attempt to hide her total disgust at the whole affair.

I’ve started to compose an ad for the newspaper when they will be ready to give away. I tried, but it’s really hard to honestly describe them:

FREE UGLY PUPPIES--Yeah, you think you’ve seen some ugly pups? Well, wait’ll you see these! They look like bratwurst with tails. White, spotted, and fat as little pigs. Even their momma is ugly! They’ll be terrier dogs, kinda small and very smart, if they actually grow up. You can come and get your choice right now, if you have the stomach for it. The one you choose will probably be great with the kids, and the favorite of the entire neighborhood - either that, or it’ll kill you in your sleep.

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), May 18, 2002

Answers

Let's name the puppies!!!

-- helen (one@hundred.and.one.sausages.with.tails), May 19, 2002.

Puppies that look like sausages with legs? Hmm. We have a couple of hawks that live not too far away, they might be interested in a few ;-)

BTW, Lon, how's Charlie doing? Is he still hanging in there? And how are you doing?

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), May 27, 2002.

Well, Trish, I like to think there's a dock somewhere and little Charlie is laying in a patch of sunshine, watching a never-ending stream of fishes swim by. There might even be hummer birds flying around, glinting emerald or crimson as they cut and turn. Oh, and maybe an old fisherman, to scratch him under the chin occasionally, and tell him what a good cat he is.

The pupwursts are huge. I put the above ad on a local internet bullentin board. I'm getting a few laughs, but no takers. I wrote a story about Jazzy dog (the momma) today, but since I'm trying to get it in the paper, I'll wait till it publishes to post it here.

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), May 27, 2002.

Are you offering buns with those hotdogs?

8<)

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (racookpe@earthlink.net), May 28, 2002.

Sorry to hear about Charlie... he was blessed to have such a good home.

Now, about your puppy ad... you'll never get rid of them that way. You should say something like "Free to a good home." People always like to think of themselves as having a good home, so this appeals to their pride.

Then you should add a remark about what great 'watchdogs' they will be. People want to feel safe.

Lastly, be sure to say how the puppies will bring love and friendship into their new owners lives. Who doesn't want that?

If you stick with your ad, you better invest in a LOT of dog food. ;-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), May 29, 2002.

Gayla Sue! Have you no faith in my abilities? I'll have you know that I have been besieged with responses to my ad. Mostly by women - lonely women - lonely and desperate women. Well, OK, so my wife's the only one who has answered the ad so far, but I'm confident.

Actually, I had several requests to post a photo of the pupwursts on the net. One very nice lady said that she had suffered with the hiccups for two weeks, and thought a picture of the pups might cure her. Another just wanted a photo so she could scare some kids who were vandalizing her peonies.

But, I'm taking your advice, sorta. I put out a new ad, offering twenty bucks to anyone who would take one of the things offa my hands.

I was kinda loosing hope of ever getting rid of the poor hopeless little ugly things, but now my legal beagle, Percy Primeaux, Esq., has informed me that we may have a paternity case against a certain wandering poodle named Dusty. I'm gonna order a DNA test on 'em tomorrow.

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), May 29, 2002.

Lon, sorry to hear about Charlie. At least you know you did your very best for him and he was well loved.

Gayla, I don't think he really wants to get rid of his poodle-wursts, do you?

Robert,if he's offering sauce too, they would be saucy-poodle-wursts, maybe Lon's discovered a new breed. Now I suppose he will become rich and famous.

-- Carol (old@silly.com.au), May 30, 2002.

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-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), May 30, 2002.

helen blows a kiss to Charlie, and to Charlie's people ... then drifts silently back to her hiding place where no pupwursts can find her ...

-- helen (no@pupwursts.allowed.no.kidding.not.in.my.lease.), May 30, 2002.

I just BET they all love Cleavage. ;-)

Lon, you're too much! :-) I think you'll have a much better response with that ad. I'd buy one right away, but hauling puppies up and down the Interstate would be cruel. And just my luck, I'd get one that got car sick!

-- Gayla (living@in. 2 places isn't much fun), May 30, 2002.

(((Lon))) I'm sorry you're missing Charlie... but maybe not as much with a houseful of pupwursts as you would without them. Maybe you better not use that last ad ;-) Hope your summer's going well!

(My hubby says "Cleavage'll sell anything, even pupwursts...at least to half the population")

-- Tricia teh Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), May 30, 2002.

I've heard that Cleavage isn't all it's knocked up to be......

Least that's what they said on Lon Frankenstien's favorite mid- fifties TV show, Leer It to Cleavage.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (racookpe@earthlink.net), June 03, 2002.