Sometimes i really miss having someone in my life!! And I wondered how others handle it!!

-- Grizz workin near D.C. (southerneagle@yahoo.com), April 28, 2002

Answers

takes some time to get used to maybe,, but if you didnt want to be alone, in some way, then you would have made differant choices in life

-- Stan (sopal@net-pert.com), April 28, 2002.

Keep pets and enjoy the freedom and solitude. Just let things fall into the reapers choreography. Life is just the experiences good and bad that we all go through on the trip to that 3x7 foot piece of property at the end. Let's all try to have a lot of experiences :>)

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), April 28, 2002.

"How do I handle being alone?"

Apparently alot better than being in a relationship that isn't "working" for whatever reasons...;) I won't say it's ideal by any means, but overall, a good thing for me. I feel like I'm being true to myself. I guess it's sort of not defining yourself in those terms...? Sometimes I think everyone should be single for a number of years...alot of people never have been, and it seems they have no real individual identities.

At this point in my life being single is definately a conscious choice. Admittedly, it can indeed be really lonely at times. But, I look at it as an opportunity for personal growth. Also, it's like they say, you get what you settle for.

Being limited to "half" of something doesn't seem like the best way to get the most out of life. I'm not talking about healthy compromise, forgiveness, etc. in a healthy relationship, I'm refering to something altogether different. It's just I see alot of couples that are together for what, for me at least, would be the wrong reasons...like loneliness, convenience, social stigma... Not because they truly desire a sharing of lives, or supporting mutual growth towards common, as well as individual goals.

Sooooo, I handle it by reminding myself of these things. Easier said than done at times...I actually just read something here that got to me. Spooning...yeah, I sure miss that. And I do agree, sometimes I really do miss having someone in my life, but it's really probably best right now that I don't...

-- Patty (SycamoreHollow1@aol.com), April 28, 2002.

Adding....I hope that's it's ok that I come visit...? Even though I'm not really, ya know, on the prowl. ;)

I hope so because being single out in the boonies, is a bit of a unique experiance, and it's nice to have common ground...

-- Patty (SycamoreHollow1@aol.com), April 28, 2002.

one day at a time, Grizz!

-- juana (juana@simple-living.com), April 28, 2002.

I have the best friend in the world to keep me company -- myself.

Hardly ever argue, never fight. Always ready to go do whatever and never have to wait for some last second fix to something or another. Dinner is always ready when I am and I can eat and do something else, if I so desire. You get the idea.

If you have never been married, you ought to try it at least once. Then you will learn to enjoy being single.

-- Joe (CactusJoe001@AOL.com), April 28, 2002.

Patty, I like your prowl line....And may I submit that for some of us there really isn't anyplace to go prowl......and we best realize thats its going to be a single existance...........like it or not.

-- Jim-mi (hartalteng@voyager.net), April 28, 2002.

Although I am not alone, because of my kids, I am very alone. Right now I am really enjoying being without someone in my life, I have no desire of ANY sort for someone in my life. It is a good feeling. I agree 100% with everything Patty said.

I think I realized sometime ago that there is nothing that said it was o.k. not to be in a realtionship. There also is no guarantee that we will ever be in a relationship. Like Patty I do not want to be in a relationship just because I am bored or lonely, that is using someone. I've been used and it was not with my knowledge, that is part of why I find myself not wanting anyone in my life right now.

I get really lonely sometimes, and it is really bad when I am trying to reach out to friends and they are all out with others doing things and I'm sitting around feeling sorry for myself. I just hate that! I get really lonely for the conversation of other adults. Grizz I don't have any cures. I do know that the longer you go without the easier it gets.

-- Susan in MN (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), April 28, 2002.

Well, it certainly gives one time for reflection!

-- Terran in VT (homefire@sover.net), April 28, 2002.

...well, I do desire more....I honestly do sometimes, I'm human...it's a wierd state of being, isn't it? And yes, lol, not much of a prowler...but not much of an "accepter" either. :)

OK, I'm new here...but I have a tendency to wear my heart on my sleeve, it's a...thang, fault...maybe. lol. I'll post this, albeit a bit reluctantly,...maybe y'all can relate?.....and since some of my reactions were to words I viewed here, I thought it may be of some interest, flowery amusement if nothing else...besides, it can't hurt really...sometimes I wonder if men "see" women....?

But, this is when I miss it....

----------------------------

4/27/02

Last nights storm....

The storm worsens suddenly.....it's really howling outside! Waves of wind buffet rhythmically, the rain falls in solid sweeping sheets. The house is quivering....hail abrupty intensifies natures current symphony of wrath, frenzied beating, loud and insistent clattering on the tin roof...then it stops just as abrupty...like a tap turned off....momentary utter stillness..expectant, tense....electric.

CRRR-AAAAAAACK!! ...CRASH!!! My heart leaps! Blue white light imprints my world in a surreal scene. Only an instant in time, but it seems to stretch endlessly...I'm a statue silhouette...poised meaninglessly in that moment.

The lights flicker.....dim...then go out. All falls gravesilent again, and inky blackness envelopes me. Claustrophobic...but not, at the same time.....like the absence of any tangible world, like negative space. A velvety nothingness. Standing with eyes wide, seeing only dizzying pulsing white spots from the lightning strike.....listening with all my being for a freight train tornado, head cocked...alone in the dark. The roaring of the storm returns, volume turned rapidly up to high again.

Practical thought returns in a rush.... flashlight, candles......hands outstretched, cautious shuffling, clumsy and off balance...oh!..chair...nervous laugh, lost in the mournful screeching of the night.

....lighter?...patting table top...searching lightly with my fingertips...ah! Here it is. Click. Dim, pathetic illumination. Ok, now a flashlight.......hesitation....listening again....the trees are really moaning painfully...wow...eerie.

I find all three flashlights with dead batteries...*sigh*.....Oh good, I have batteries! Unbelievable...will wonders never cease? Soon, the house is filled with the flickering, dancing faery twinkle of a dozen candles, romantically pushing the storm back outside alittle, an illusion of course, but somehow comforting all the same. Standing with my nose almost touching the window glass, my hand resting on the pane close to my face, I peer out...scan the sky...nothing but confusing splashes of fragmented images. Riotous swirling...

The candlelight is interspersed with flashes of brightest day, as the lighting strikes close by. The thunder threatens in close accompaniment....and even though it's expected, the sharp, raw, sound is still shocking. My stomach clenches and I wince visibly, time after time... The dogs' eyes show white and are rolling wild, reflecting their terror, whimpering, slithering against my legs. I squat down, scratch behind their ears and offer quick hugs, murmur comfort, they implore me to make it stop, tails thump without much enthusiasm.

As the windows rattle and shake alarmingly in their frames, I let down the shades, hoping they don't burst inward. I grab the flashlight to see what that crash was......half of the remaining cottonwood (I cut down the other one last year) is now draped across my entire roof..., 40+' split like a toothpick. hmmmm. ok. fine.

I stand in the doorway facing west and watch the tail end of the storm blow through the valley, my hair whipping, the rain stinging, arms wrapped around myself. The massive treetops high above are willowish in the radical weather, a strange conflicting dance of limbs....I gaze east at the tallest treetop in view, the old sycamore. It seems to stand alone in it's resolve to not whip weakly and groan complainingly. I hope it stands forever, I love that tree.

The storm passes quickly, races onward, the fierceness swept away to the east....in it's wake, the unreal quiet returns for a bit. I'm surprised to see not much time has passed since it got really bad. Unreal.

In the kitchen where I sit, the candles splash monster shadows of the spring bouquet of daffodils and cherry blossoms across the ceiling. The dark, sudden still, and lack of electric whirring houselife, intensifies the slightest sounds. I hear a frantic duck quacking, (it's cussing seems to be coming from the wrong direction...wonder if it didn't make it inside the coop tonight...?, not sure...the hollow throws sound deceptively.) And the rushing of the creek. All of a sudden, the peepers voices resume, as if in response to some unknown cue...they rise, fall, rise in a spring crescendo of song. But loudest, is the kitchen clock...ticking.

Lauren has slept through it all, no root cellar tonight....and now I hear the dogs' relaxed snores echoing from the living room. One last look outside reveals a few bright stars and night clouds running... skittering hurriedly east as if wanting to catch up......*yaawn* I wander through the old farmhouse, cupping behind the candles, blowing them out, one by one.

Sleep is elusive. My mind drifts restlessly, won't settle. Time passes, marked by the ticking of the kitchen clock. As I'm rolled burritolike in a down comfortor fighting an inner chill.....a choking loneliness descends. A deep and undeniable ache. It wells up when I think of a word I heard today...just one, and a totally innocent one, at that. Spooning. I don't want to, I really don't..I hate feeling sorry for myself. But there seems to be no denial...I cry softly.....because it reminds my heart. The lack of a quiet and trusting intimacy, a sharing of lifes moments...and that's really what makes me feel empty sometimes.

-- Patty (SycamoreHollow1@aol.com), April 28, 2002.

"Living Alone and Loving It!" I've been on my own for the past twleve years and several before that. I choose to live alone because, like Joe said, I am my own best friend. I enjoy the solitude. I don't miss what I don't have. I've been married and I much prefer being single. Sometimes I wish I could meet a guy for just a friend (guys are very entertaining!). Anyway............. your postings made me think of these poems. I hope you enjoy them.

"Shadow of Love"

I recognize the sound of your footsteps following mine. You walk behind me for awhile Perhaps to watch the sunlight on my hair Or to see if my walk has changed at all. I let you, Savoring the expectation of being in your arms again Of hearing you whisper my name. Then I turn......................................... Like a thousand times before........................ To be caressed by the whispers of the wind And held in the arms of my shadow.

"Missing You"

I've learned to spread my things about And fill the empty spaces Left when you took your things away........ I've hidden all those traces.

And learned to fill my days with doing Things I've always wanted. And many days are sunshine bright, And many nights are haunted.

-- Jodie in Tx (stanchnmotion@yahoo.com), April 29, 2002.

Oh! I love those poems! Thanks.

But, you know what the real question is..?

Who has a chainsaw? My chain is dull. ;)

-- Patty (SycamoreHollow1@aol.com), April 29, 2002.

Patty,, buy a 49 cent file, and sharpen it, take me about 20 mins

-- Stan (sopal@net-pert.com), April 29, 2002.

I agree with juanna, one day at a time.

-- Sherry (tlnifty@ece.net), April 29, 2002.

Susan,

Everyone gets used . The key to success is not to let yourself get used up in the process.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), April 29, 2002.

I'm finding as I get older I am appreciating my female friends a lot more. I never had any female friends until I had kids. Where I grew up girls/women were very conpetitive, I refused to play that game. So my friends were always guys, they didn't feel threatened by me and I felt protected by them. There was never or rarely any involvement between us. I didn't really get really intersted in guys until I was in college, I was a late bloomer.

When I had kids I found a whole new world. I had a hard time trusting women. Now I dream of having a communal environment for my female friends and me. We would all have our own house but we would have a communal building for gathering and or cooking. We would have the support of each other when and if we wanted. I find with my female friends I am comfortable with silence. I haven't felt that men are comfortible with women in silence.

Just another thought.

-- Susan in MN (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), May 02, 2002.

If your happy with silence, just become a hermit (hermitress???) :>)

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), May 02, 2002.

Hi Everyone,

I read all of your responses with a good deal of interest. I have been widowed and divorced (6 yrs) and even tho there are times when I enjoy being single there are times when I don't. Unfortunately, the choice of being single was not always mine. During the first yr or so after my divorce I felt I was recouping and enjoyed it and my own company. After abt 2 yrs I began to feel very much alone at times and wished I could find someone with the same interests. But I don't do the bar scene, have a job which I work mostly with elderly people and my family (my children and siblings) think I am 'home with no lights on' when I talk of getting back to simple living again, homesteading and etc. I was wondering if any of you have gone thru these phases in your single life and like Grizz asks, how did you get thru it? Thanks for listening, Glenda.

-- Glenda (GJHOL909@aol.com), May 05, 2002.

Of course! I go through it, and I come out of it again too! I'm not antisocial by any means. When I get that really lonely achy feeling like I just really need to hold someone or to be with another person? That is a sign to me that I really DON"T need it right now. It means I am looking to others for my entertainment rather then myself. In my mind that is an unhealthy time to be looking. At times like that I get involved with my hobbies and my other friends. I will journal, that is really helpful. I find it helps to have these feelings and thoughts written down and then to look back over them. I can see then that it was not a good time for me. It may have been my reaching out for other reasons but to the wrong people.

So I guess to answer the question of how do I get through it. I put that energy to useful fun things I enjoy with people I enjoy and/or I will journal.

-- Susan in MN (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), May 05, 2002.

I want to "need someone because I love them" not "love someone because I need them".

I have been alone and on my own since I was 15 years old. I enjoy being alone. That is my life. Maybe someday I will get married again (my x only stayed about 3 years). But if not, "I LOVE MY LIFE JUST THE WAY IT IS!!!"

-- Jodie in E TX (stanchnmotion@yahoo.com), May 05, 2002.

Nice topic and one that everyone asks about it, or at least it's a question raised between myself and my friends. Is it that we feel alone because we are eternally searching for that special someone who will be around us until we depart this world. After all, we are a communal and gregarious and interdependent species. We live for and by each other. Put that together with our individual free will, needs, wants and desires and we have a recipe for a thousand scenarios to occur.

I've been 'emotionally' alone for many years. Physically, no I have not been alone. I first lived with my family, then with my husband, then along came a child and now I live just with my child, so, physically, no, I am not alone. Emotionally......well........that's another story and perhaps for many it is this 'emotional' aloneness that might be the bigger issue. I never 'emotionally' connected to my ex-husband in a close and intimate manner, where trust could be comfortable and easy flowing. Nor did I 'emotionally' connect fully with my family because each member of my family had their own issues. I have connected emotionally to my friends and this keeps my heart on an even keel. I have a beautiful 'emotional' connection to my child, however, I am well aware that my child will fly the nest some day soon to find their own way in the world, so this then gives me the feeling of pending 'physical' aloneness, because it will then be just me and the four walls.

Loneliness, appears to have the faces of 'emotional loneliness', 'physical loneliness', 'spiritual loneliness', 'mental loneliness'. Perhaps we might feel all these or are able to isolate one or a couple. Being able to do this might then help us to use some of the examples for 'being alone' that everyone has suggested works for them. By isolating which category you might fit into, may take the edge of the overwhelming feeling lonliness can bring.

I have spent many years 'eating' away my loneliness. Food to feed my hungry heart. Chocolate to fill the emotional void. I have spent a long time working on replacing this form of reaction to feeling alone with ways that are healthier and not so fattening. It is not easy but one of the worst traps that I fell into and that caused a lot of the comfort eating was 'feeling sorry for myself'. Self Pity is a debilitating attitude to life and should be avoided at all costs. It caused me to use eating as an excuse to escape from the responsibility of 'me' being the only one that can enhance or detract from my own life through my own choices and re-actions. Now I use things like dance lessons, acting, starring with the lead role in a short film, becoming a drama coach, doing crossword puzzles, going to the movies I like alone and enjoying it, taking time to call on my friends, making a point of enjoying my job or finding one that I do enjoy, inviting friends over for dinner, spending a little time on the net, interacting often with my family and my child every day, getting a pet to look after (a dog in this case), and so the list can go on.

Take time out to figure out which category you fall into and do some searching on the net under that category. Heaps of sites will be there for the reading.

Here is one I visit a lot. www.emofree.com

Take care everyone.

-- Marg from Down Under (undisclosed43@hotmail.com), July 02, 2002.

Grizz, you posted your question a long time ago, but in case you still check up on old stuff, here goes:

Yes, sometimes I miss it too, but in my case, it's probably more the fantasy of real togetherness and love and partnership, since I never experienced the "real thing". Aside from that fantasy, I simply love being by myself... even when I was married, I preferred to go camping by myself - not counting the dogs - to recoup in solitude... Yosemite in winter does wonders for one's garbled state of mind, but I don't think it works like that if you're not alone there.

As for daily living, "someone" wouldn't do it for me. There's a lot of personal freedom and other enjoyment in living alone, and anything less than "the perfect match" would make me feel that I traded the good for the mediocre. So, aside from liking to be by myself, I can always get over that missing feeling by reminding myself of the advantages I have without it.

-- Vera Hannah (tiergarten@cybertrails.com), August 30, 2003.