Husbands and other foreign bodies

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I have had to laugh at a few of the recent posts about the male of our species (for those of you who have not yet discovered that they are REALLY a symbiotic species, perhaps of alien origin). Mine is home from almost seven years of oilfield work. During that time, he made it home for a week at a time, occasionally, sometimes only a few days. I became VERY self sufficient, love my house tidy and quiet, have my own friends, enjoy shopping by myself,etc etc etc.

Since he has returned and we are again living under one roof on a daily basis, life is very different. sigh. Now, I can no longer decide (without being second guessed) where to buy fuel, when to go to the grocery store, where to put the chipper shredder to grind up tree trimmings, and what to have for supper. I found myself almost running out of gasoline the other day when he WASN'T with me because he wouldn't have stopped for gas at the place that was handy because it is two cents higher per gallon. That was when I realized there is a control issue here. I REFUSE to feel guilty for making decisions!!

I believe that we should have contracts for child raising or other activities, with an opt out clause after the kids are grown. Or, some gentle way to let them know that this really isn't working anymore. I would be glad to keep on with the bookkeeping, etc., if he would just live someplace ELSE!

Thank you. Rant is now over.

-- Rose (open_rose@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002

Answers

ROFLMAO!!! Well Rose(now all of you boys out there, shut your eyes!), I know that many of us are very aware just what you are talking about! And have suffered through the sydrome. After retirement in '92 I had mine underfoot 24/7 and that was a rude awakening! All at once you can't just "go do something", oh no, you must figure out how to "tell" him what you are going to do and make him think that how you are going to do it was his idea! Plant flowers, put in trees, shop, mow, drive(anywhere), burn trash, whatever. I find it amazing that most guys don't know you can BACK UP if you pass a turn off! And other things like that which us girls know, instinct maybe? (hey, are you boys peeking? LOL)Now, don't get me wrong, I love my DH but between us "goils" now that he is housebound, life is much simpler. So, know that you have a lot of sympathy from us! Hang in there! LQ

-- Little Quacker in OR (carouselxing@juno.com), April 21, 2002.

I love my husband more everyday and we both put 110% into our marriage. But there are time at the end of his vacations or long weekends its nice to send him on his way back to work.

-- ronda (thejohnsons@localaccess.com), April 21, 2002.

Someone sent the following to me recently - I could relate - perhaps it fits here?

WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT??

King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer, or be put to death.

The question: WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?

Arthur accepted the monarch’s proposal to have an answer by the end of a year, returned to his kingdom and began questioning everyone; priests, wise men, knights, even the court jester. No one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many advised him to consult the old witch. The price would be high, but only she might have the answer.

Finally the year was almost up, and Arthur had no alternative but to ask the old witch. She agreed to answer his question, but the price was indeed high – she wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table, and Arthur’s closest friend.

Young Arthur was horrified – the witch was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, and smelled like sewage. He turned away. But Gawain spoke with Arthur and said that no sacrifice was too big compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

So their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur’s questions thus: WHAT A WOMAN REALLY WANTS IS TO BE IN CHARGE OF HER OWN LIFE.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared. The neighboring monarch granted Arthur total freedom.

What a wedding! Gawain was properly gentle and courteous, as always. The old witch put her worst manners on display and made everyone very uncomfortable.

The honeymoon hour approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrible experience, entered the bedroom, but what a sight awaited him! The most beautiful woman he’d ever seen lay before him! The astounded Gawain asked what had happened.

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she’d appeared as a witch, she would henceforth be her horrible self only half the time, and the other half she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question! Gawain pondered his predicament – during the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night in the privacy of his home, an ugly witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman with whom to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do?

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

And the moral of this story? IF YOUR WOMAN DOESN’T GET HER OWN WAY, THINGS ARE GOING TO GET UGLY!!

-- Bonnie (51940@aeroinc.net), April 21, 2002.


I am ow so sorry for you .Can you go out and get a job ????

-- Patty Gamble (fodfarms@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.

Well, Let me guess is this the same guy that has worked in the oilfields for the last seven years also the one who paid for the farm, the car you drive, and the chipper you are using, and supported the lifesyle you seem to enjoy so much? Just wondering,Daryll

-- Daryll in NW FLA (twincrk@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.


Ah, the wonderful pleasures of the inane life of the bachelor. Thanks to all for lining up the "blessings" I should count daily as a rosary, lest I forget :>)

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), April 21, 2002.

Daryll: Touche!

Jay: AMEN!!!

-- juana (juana@simple-living.com), April 21, 2002.


Okay there is another side to every story..

I have been home (disability) for 5 years. During the first four years my wife worked a full time job. She left at 7:30 and came home shortly after 5. I cleaned house.. did laundry.. cooked the meals all that stuff. Even got in the nasty habit of watching a few "soaps". Life was good!

Let me preface this by saying I was a union pipefitter who pretty much worked 12/7 for quite awhile prior to the disability. I took a long time to adjust to my new life style. Well lo and behold my wife retires and " boom bang " all of a sudden it's HER kitchen... I don't do the laundry right.. I don't know how to wash dishes all that stuff I'd done for 4 years without complaint.

Now I'm in the process of re-adjusting life all over again. Now we're both home and under each others feet. But I love her dearly and wouldn't want to have it any other way.

-- Ken in Maine (kenjan@pivot.net), April 21, 2002.


O.K. boys don't get you shorts all wrinked up .I think she was trying to say how hard it was to live with someone full time after being part time for so long.All you boys have your wife jokes to .

-- Patty Gamble (fodfarms@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.

He, he, he! Some pretty amusing responses here. My DH and I got along great because he was on the road all the time. He recently took a job driving local so he could have more time with me & the girls. I knew there would be an adjustment period, since we have not spent lots of time together for 9 years now. WELL...I am the one who needed the most adjusting, because I was so used to just doing my own thing, that I forgot how to include him in my decisions about life in general. He has been amazingly patient as I make these adjustments...ROFL. He has mentioned to me several times, "Happy wife, happy life! I laugh every time I think of that statement now. I still need to get used to more groceries, more laundry, more dishes, etc, but it is a worthwhile growing experience for me. I will struggle, but it is worth it to have the kids' joy at seeing Dad regularly. Good luck with your own adjustment period. Hopefully, you will grow to enjoy your DH being around all the time too....Judy

-- Judy Hill (hillsacres@sk.sympatico.ca), April 21, 2002.


Darryl! Jay! Ken! YOU PEEKED!!!

Seriously, though, my husband and I are the proverbial odd couple - we have NO interests in common except the kids - perhaps we have been happily married for 26 years BECAUSE we cannot offer each other advice? He doesn't really understand the ins and outs of what I do, and vice versa. Makes for interesting conversations in the evening, though. Once we got over the "I can't believe you did that" stage. No, we didn't do any thing we shouldn't have, it was more like we were each looking into a totally foreign life style. He actually ENJOYS being a beaurocrat, and the idea of me deciding to keep chickens or build a greenhouse or try to fix the lawn mower myself truly startled him until he got used to me!

-- Terri (hooperterri@prodigy.net), April 21, 2002.


aaahhh Daryl....

I have a job. I teach art (four levels), business communication, and yearbook. I have cattle. MY cattle. He doesn't like them, won't do anything with them. I keep the books for his corporation, and DON'T GET PAID for it, and therefore I'm not earning Soc. Sec. (Texas teachers don't get Soc. Sec. taken out and can't receive it, but that is another issue.) I have FIVE rent houses that I bought over his objection. They were in distressed condition, I remodeled them, and now they are keeping our financial noses above the water while he is out of work. I raised two sons while he was gone working. One was valedictorian in high school and graduate from the University of Texas and is married, working at a computer firm making TWICE what I do as a teacher. The other son is Navy ROTC after two years of active duty, a member of the Longhorn football team and is going to flight school after graduation to learn to fly jets (hopefully) to keep us free.

I also am the one who had to hide money so that there would be cash to pay the taxes at the end of the year. I managed the investments except when he made me sell our mutual fund when the Dow hit 900 because HE thought that was the top.

Do I have a job???? Yessir, I sure do, and I think I have done DARN WELL.

-- Rose (open_rose@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.


AND I paid for my own van, it's a 91 toyota, and it has 286,000 miles on it because I take very good care of it MYSELF.

-- Rose (open_rose@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.

AND!!!!!!!!! guess who does the gardening, cuts his hair (he hasn't had a paid for haircut since 1974), and watered his 300 pecan trees BY HAND when he planted them without putting in an irrigation system and then left??

-- Rose (open_rose@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.

Hi Rose, There are always two sides or more to a story. Thanks for clearing things up for me. Take care and good luck,Daryll

-- Daryll in NW FLA (twincrk@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.


guess she told you huh? LOL.

Rose, that is very impressive. If I was your husband I'd just keep my mouth shut and stay out of your way. Find him a hooby or something.

-- Dave (multiplierx9@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.


Ah, yes. Been there, etc. Husband was in the military for 20+ years, and gone for at least a week out of every month. Sometimes back to back weeks. Got used to doing things my own way when he was gone, became very independent. The kids and I had to re-adjust every time he came home, and I'd have to remind them to "ask Dad" instead of me when they wanted to do something. We survived, but retirement was a test of it's own! My grown son and his wife were frantic the first year they moved here and he went elk hunting for a week. They insisted I come into the city to stay with them, and not be "alone" out on the farm! OH, NO!!! I live for that week! Can eat salsa and chips for dinner if I wish, stay up until 2 am reading, or whatever. I'm sure it's the same for him, no one there telling him he really ought to do something this way instead of the way he is doing it, etc! Marriage is not for sissies! Thanks for the laughs, and Rose, GOOD FOR YOU! You are my kind of gal, and I hope you survive this! I can certainly relate. Jan

-- Jan in Co (Janice12@aol.com), April 21, 2002.

Well, it looks like, it has just about all been said, [amen, preachin' to the choir] My favorite responce is,"WOW, GEE WIZZ, how did I ever get it done when you wheren't home!!!!!!" and I walk away and let him do it himself.

-- Thumper/inOKC (slrldr@yahoo.com), April 21, 2002.

I'll wager anyone who rode the Twin Towers down would love to trade places with you right now.

-- bruce (niobrara55@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.

Very good friends say they've been married for 30 yrs only because she works days and he works nights!

Personally, I'm like Rose-ran my own very tidy ship for many years with 3 kids, then bam! The boyfriend fell off the roof, broke his heel and had to move in. (Good/Bad) AAGGHH! ie: you called a plumber to prime the burner? %$#@(*& are you nuts?! Cable TV? Not in my house!

-- Kathy (catfish201@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.


My hubby is a firefighter - nine day rotation, 24 hour shifts. On, off, on, off, on, four days off, start over. Sometimes by the afternoon of day four I'M hunting for a spot in the garden to compost him! It's even worse when he takes a day off! Then I might have him SIX days in a row instead of four!

Thumper, I swear if I said that to mine I would be living by myself - I know, because sometimes when I ask him something he says "Do what you want to, you're going to anyway!". After following him around for half an hour on one day four afternoon listening to him re- discuss where to put something we had already discussed about six times I told him "Put it where you want to, you're going to anyway!" - I don't think he spoke to me for two days!!! They can dish it out, but they can't always take it!

Bruce, it would be a reasonable bet that my Dad who died last year of a heart attack, or my nephew who has lost two fiancee's in car wrecks in a year and a half, or the girls he lost would also trade her places, but we just don't know that for sure, do we? Not trying to be mean, just pointing out the senseless tragedies we have every day that don't always make the news.

-- Christine in OK (cljford@mmcable.com), April 21, 2002.


Sorry folks, it was only in jest , sorta :>). Maybe someday, I'll find a woman who can understand me, but I saw the "flip side" of some of the above points with my ex wife. She said our marriage wasn't right unless we did everything together( like always wanting us to watch the same tv show), planned our day together 24/7 and ditched our individual privacies (this went as far as no lock on any interior doors, bathroom included !). It was worse than jail or barracks life. Togetherness is great, but there has to be a limit .My BP dropped 20 points to 85/70 within 3 weeks of her departure :>). Hope I didn't offend anyone. I find it interesting how we all have some of the same troubles.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), April 21, 2002.

Well, goodness, Rose, you've described me to to a T. But, for the guys out there, there is hope. You see, My hubby left his job after 13 years to pursue what he loves, his music. Well, you can't really do something like that unless you have someone to support you, now can you? So - to give him the opportunity to practice, practice, practice and to run the farm - I told him to quit work totally and stay home. So he runs the farm, practices his piano, and I stay out of his hair. He never does anything the way I have done it or would do, but you know what? I don't really give a flip. As long as he gets things done. Do I care that he feeds the jack before the mare? NO. Do I care that he puts the squash where the beans should go? No. Do we argue sometimes - well yes, but I usually let him make the decision in the end since he will be doing the work. He cooks, cleans, and farms and since I now work one full time job and one part time job - I really don't care if the laundry isn't folded the way I would do it. Mind you, it took me a half of a year to get this way, but in the end, I'm fed, the boychild is fed and practices his sax and does his homework and is supervised like no tomorrow, and the animals haven't dropped dead and the garden is growing. So what is wrong with this picture? We agreed to two years - then it is back to work for him, but doing what he loves, playing music. And that means that I quit the part time job, and hopefully we work the farm together. Nothing is easy as I have done the farm thing myself almost the whole time I have had this place -but my husband who is a city boy, is willing to put in the work and his ideas, so I let him. His ideas are sometimes lots better than mine, sometimes not - but in the end the job gets done. So - from one who has been there - learn to give a little even though you have been the one at home all this time. It takes a while to adjust, but husbands need to feel needed too. You will find that even though he questions what you have been doing, that maybe he has ideas of his his own that will work too. Let him take the load off you for awhile!

-- Cindy (sidepasser@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.

What strange responses to this situation. I still believe in my wedding vow. For Richer for Poorer till death do us part. Although sometimes we do have our debates over where or when to plant or which lane to drive in!! Don't tell me how to drive!! Anyway----Love and understanding is always there. Everyday we tell each other that we love each other,THAT IS IMPORTANT. We differ in opinion,of course,I work alot,(many different jobs)he cooks,cleans,sometimes not to my liking. I tend to express my likes and dislikes,WHAT EVER--Either you love the Guy and Want him around,or you just want to be alone. I truly believe in compromise,loyalty,and above all understanding and LOVE. Just my thoughts,Good Luck ,Loretta

-- Loretta (Loretta@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.

Cindy, you are the kind of lady that us men like to put up on a pedestal. Your husband is a lucky man and I am sure he knows it. Rose, take a page out of Cindys book. My first wife was like you, my second, current and last is like Cindy. I would do anything for her.

-- Don' t want rose on my case (noemail@no.spam), April 21, 2002.

I just had to add to my earlier opinion. Lance gets in my hair (or on my nerves, or stuck in my craw, or up my...well, anyway, you get the idea), but he's mine, and I have trouble seeing why there are so many divorces in the world.

We've been working together building a new chicken coop - taking away half of "his" barn, as a matter of fact. He's made mention of that, but hasn't hesitated one second in getting to work and with a carpenter like me who hasn't swung (swang?) a hammer since shop class in high school (yes, I can use power tools, but I'm a little rusty!). He's even offered the use of his 18v rechargeable DeWalt circular saw (the little one that comes in the really neat pack with the drill, the sawsall, and the snakelite) for me to build some birdhouses, as long as I build a bathouse too.

To make an even longer story short, I wouldn't trade him for the world - but I wish he would learn to empty the dog's water dish outside, not in my kitchen sink! BLECH!

-- Christine in OK (cljford@mmcable.com), April 21, 2002.


I know where ya'll are coming from. My husband retired at age 56 after 33 years with DuPont. He worked a lot of overtime while there so I had a lot of time to myself. I do everything around here. I've built the goat pens and chicken pens. I've cleared wooded areas and planted flowers. You know what he does from the time he gets up until he goes to bed? Watches TV. and god awful programs at that. I have resigned myself to outdoors as much as possible. He doesn't help with cooking or cleaning, not even washing dishes. Then he dares to call my house keeping a pigsty. Well, I don't have any pigs in the house YET. I have a very large yard that sometimes he deems to ride the lawnmower but he misses as many places as he hits. He now has a hemmroid problem and I'd like to tell me that maybe it's from sitting on his butt watching TV all the time instead of getting up and actually participating in life. I've tried to get his to go visit the girls for a couple of weeks or go stay with his sister some but no he'd rather stay home and irritate me. I think I should put him in the compost pile since he seems to have retired from life as well.

-- Sheila in NC (nannie@intrstar.net), April 21, 2002.

Rose, I have been married to the same man for 34 years and my experience is telling me your DH is tring to fit into his family again. He feels he is on the outside looking in. Men many times don't even know what they are feeling must let how to put it into words. You have done well. Now you have a new job! That of helping your family include DH. I know you can succeed at this!

-- Eve (owenall@lwol.com), April 21, 2002.

For me it was one of those awe inspiring moments. The realization that after having raised the kids, two well on their way to successfull lives and one more on the last step, my job as mother almost over................then you realize the last child will always be at home with you, never grows up and never leaves home......husband! You also find who really was the biggest slob in the house, the one who didn't aim all that well and you blamed the kids, the one you sweep after and vacume up sunflowerseeds for...........:)

Yes, Rose, I vote for the hobby. Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX Nubians (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.


The gas price issue is really a funny one with a friend and his wife as well as with my friend and me. In our cases, the women are the ones who can always tell you what prices are where and what the trend has been of late.

Mike and I just stop and fill our respective tanks when they're low. The best line I heard was Mike responding to his wife's comment about saving three cents a gallon on a fill up of her car (which has something between an eight and eleven gallon total capacity making the maximum savings well under fifty cents). "Oh, thank goodness! Now Mom can get that operation she's been needing..." LOL

Maybe I should care more than I do, but I figure that whatever it costs I'm going to buy it. Even on my truck I'm not going to save a dollar on a fill up at that kind of price differential.

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), April 22, 2002.


I know what you mean. Do you know, I believe this behavior (the husband's) is caused by insecurity on his part. All this time he was away, you managed just fine! You didn't need him! You handled it all. Just think how this would make him feel. What do you need him for? He wants to be needed and looked up to. But men aren't supposed to admit it or let it show when they feel afraid or insecure, so they get bossy and maybe controlling. Sit down with your husband, and let him know that you appreciate him all the more for having your independence, because being independent means that you have him because you WANT to, not because there is no other choice.

And I think it will be easiest on both of you, if you divvy up the responsibilties and decide who is going to manage what- and then don't interfere with each other's activities. You don't criticize what he does- even if you did it better when he was gone- and he let's you do your stuff your way. Anyway, that's my two cents, for what it's worth. ;-)

-- Rebekah (daniel1@itss.net), April 22, 2002.


Once again, I find myself truly grateful for the blessing which is my marraige.

-- gilly (wayoutfarm@skybest.com), April 22, 2002.

Well, thank goodness for some of those last messages - seemed there was really no reason at all for males in this world from the first few messages! :) Now I understand why there is a 50% divorce rate.

Oh, I do enjoy some of the humor also, and there are two sides to the story - but us males are better off not communicating ours.

--->Paul

-- paul (ramblerplm@hotmail.com), April 22, 2002.


thanks everyone, no i no longer feel guilty for looking forward to mondays.....

dont get me wrong i love my husband dearly, and i love spending time with him too, buth e had a 3 day weekend, and we did get a huge ton of stuff done, not the least of which was the auction on saturday, (hey i left with MONEY!!, and animals , pretty neat, huh) but, i do look forward to monaday , and being just me and the kids, but by thursday, i am usually looking forward to saturday , and spending mroe time with him again :)

-- Beth Van Stiphout (willosnake@hotmail.com), April 22, 2002.


Rebekah, that is the best answer here. Letting him know that you want him in your life because he is special not because he can di something for you. You need his affection not his muscles.

-- Novina in ND (homespun@stellarnet.com), April 22, 2002.

As a single parent mom of three children for many years who homesteaded etc., having a full-time husband was a real adjustment for me, and I must say that I almost blew it. I think Rebekah's comments were very insightful and worth considering. When it became apparent that if something didn't change our marriage was going to fall apart, it occured to me to sit down with my husband and explain that I married him because I wanted him, not because I needed him but that I sure would love to have a "partner".

I also had a very dear older friend that pointed out to me how hard it was to get used to working in a "double harness" after working so long in a single one. Every marriage has some rocky spots I think, and this obviously is one for you Rose. Perhaps the first thing you need to look at is why you ever got married in the first place and see if there is anything there to salvage.

I am very grateful today that I was able to come to terms with my attitude problems and begin working "with" my husband instead of against him. We still have our hard spots (like the great buck escape which resulted in me milking 5 does instead of 2) but at one point we decided to remain committed to each other and continue to work together. That will be 18 years in July and mostly I am not sorry. ;>)

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), April 22, 2002.


Sheila, my son had a roommate at school who ran the tv (my son's) until my son was nearly bats. He took a screwdriver to the back of it and disengaged the cord on the inside. It was an old tv and never quite recovered, but there was peace. No one complains about the condition of the house, 'cause to me, that's an offer to help clean. If DH was home all the time, though, assignments would have to be negotiated. Heck, I'd like to retire, too!

-- Nina (Ingardenwithcat@hotmail.com), April 22, 2002.

I get so flustered when I hear someone say that marriage is 50/50... that's nonsense... if your only contributing 50% then you only got half a marriage. Marriage and it's commitment must be 100% from both parties or it won't succeed. Just my 2 cents...

-- Ken in Maine (kenjan@pivot.net), April 22, 2002.

please read new post near the top of the list

"A comment or two, then I'm finished" is the title.

Thank you for all of your responses. I had really intended when I started writing tha the post would be humorous / satirical, but it took on a life of its own.

Rose

-- Rose (open_rose@hotmail.com), April 22, 2002.


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