If you have a large family, what do your folks think of it?

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The other day my mother told me on the phone that she is going to have to have a talk with Tom about the number of children we've been having (for those who don't know, we are expecting #7). She does not mean that she will commend him for this!

A few years back I miscarried in between #5 and #6. My dad told me then that there is nothing wrong with birth control. He also said once that we have too many children. I asked him which ones we should get rid of, and he hasn't said such a thing since.

I do not know how to respond to these comments. We love each and every child the Lord has given us, and have left the "birth control" in His hands. I wish my parents would respect our decision and leave us alone about it. They do not really have any major complaints about our children's behaviour, and my mother has told me what good discipline we have in the family. She says she thinks we are training them right, but she sees no need to keep having more.

Any ideas?

-- Cathy N. (eastern Ontario) (homekeeper86@sympatico.ca), April 21, 2002

Answers

I think that you have responded very well indeed! As a person who grew up in a large family, I know that I got some (polite) feedback from people who didn't understand why people would choose to have a large family; which comments I put up there with people who (politely) cannot understand why we live off the sidewalks. Not everyone chooses to live the same lifestyle, and some people cannot understand everyone doesn't want what they want and choose a different lifestyle.

We kids used to really enjoy the way people would count heads as the family went out together, but finally my parents decided that they had all of the children they could properly raise to be honest and Godly people, so they decided to exercize their option of free will and be satisfied with the kids that they had. Nobodys business but their own, really.

By the way, for those people who are worried about over-population, I usually tell them that if it were not for immigration the population of the USA would be dropping, not rising as the number of people who have just 1 child (or none) outnumber the people who have many. Like many industrialized societies around the world most Americans are choosing to have fewer children later, and many (like myself) are not able to have children at all, which is ALSO hard to explain to other people, who assumed that we had something AGAINST children, which we don't. It simply took 15 years to be able to adopt, as we didn't have much money and it can take a very long time to adopt if you go through the government to adopt a child who has been taken from their parents due to neglect, abuse, or because they are orphaned. But that is a different (and LONG!) story!

-- Terri (hooperterri@prodigy.net), April 21, 2002.


Parents just have an awful time saying "I'm worried about you ". It comes out in all the wrong ways and is misconstrued and misunderstood.

I think your dad said--"I'm concerned for your health" and knowing men, he will never express himself again. I think your mother now speaks for both of them and she is trying to say---"This is such a volatile world--we are concerned that your children will not have the resources to live a fullfilling life" They Care---maybe they said it wrong but at least they cared enough to say something ! Just my thoughts.

-- Joel Rosen (JoelnBecky@webtv.net), April 21, 2002.


You know, for once, I agree with Joel....can't add anything else to that he said it so well.

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), April 21, 2002.

JOEL ROSEN!!! In past, you have angered me, disgusted me, made me laugh, and made me think long and hard, but this is the first time you've IMPRESSED THE HECK out of me!!!!

Cathy -- being the product of a "large family" I would tend to think that your choice to have a large family is a positive one. You haven't done it for selfish reasons, you have done it as an act of faith in your God, yourselves and each other. By all indications, you and your husband are well equipped to deal with what life has to offer, and there seems to be plenty of love around your table.

The expression of concern by your parents is, I'm sure, just that. You have handled it in an admirable manner (i.e. without losing your string on them!!). Love your kids, and if you feel like having more and are able to provide for them, who is to say how many are "too many"?

-- Tracy (trimmer31@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.


You don't have to have 7 to get that kind of reaction . 1 was a girl 2 was a boy , no one could figure out why number 3 and then 4 !!! I must be nuts .Well that was besides the point.# 4 came 7 years after # 3 , I had lots of poblems and kept saying there must be a reason for this baby . She made it healthy into this world by c-sec on July 12 .It wasn't even 2 weeks after she came home and we had a really bad storm .I was up nursing her when the lightening hit and caught the house on fire .I can honestly say I am not sure if we would have gotten out alive if I was not already awake. God has he reasons birth control or not .I would say as long as you can provide a good up bringing fo them have as many as you want .They don't need the latest cloths or toys to be happy .For me I think 4 will be it , I don't think I could carry another one full term or have the patience to raise another one.

-- Patty Gamble (fodfarms@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.


I agree with Joel as well. They are probably concerned with your health and your finances but just don't know how to explain themselves better. I think it is great to have a large family, and of course you love them all. We also decided to have only four, both for health reasons and for financial reasons. As long as you are able to care for all of them I think it is your own personal business...

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), April 21, 2002.

I have 7 children, also against my mother's wishes. When I was expecting the third one she asked me what I wanted with any more. I asked her why it mattered to her. I wasn't mean or sarcastic. She thought about it for a minute then replied, "I guess it doesn't". We had a good laugh and are still the best of friends.

-- Gayle in KY (gayleannesmith@yahoo.com), April 21, 2002.

Joel: Okay, who are you really and what have you done with Joel?????

-- Karen (mountains_mama2@hotmail.com), April 21, 2002.

Thanks, everybody. Joel, you are so right. My mom nearly died having me, so I guess that is on her mind. My dad wondered how we would feed and clothe them all. He has rejoiced along with us at the different ways God has provided for us. My kids love their grandparents, and have a great relationship with them. My husband has really appreciated them as well, since he grew up in one of the worst home situations possible (physical, verbal, and sexual abuse combined with alcoholism, drug addictions, and fist fights between mom and dad). He looks to my parents as examples for raising a godly family, and has made me really appreciate the home life I always took for granted.

I guess I just needed to sound off a little. Thanks.

-- Cathy N. (eastern Ontario) (homekeeper86@sympatico.ca), April 21, 2002.


I also agree with Joel, wholeheartedly. Many times parents say things the wrong way, but the questions or comments are out of concern. I can really relate to that right now as my oldest daughter is a severe diabetic and considering a second child. A couple of doctors have told her not to risk her health with another pregnancy, her new doctor tells her it's fine to go ahead. Of course it's a big worry for me. I try to keep my mouth shut entirely, but it's hard.

But that's parents, who have a lot of emotions involved. When others, especially perfect strangers, comment unfavorably on large families, I always wonder why they think it is any of their business. I understand why people get upset when they see someone who's living on public assistance and also maybe doesn't decently care for the children they have, continue to bring more children into the world. But when people are supporting their own and providing decent care, what business does anyone have making comments about large families?

And before anyone gets their feelings hurt, I am NOT pointing a finger at anyone who might have to take assistance during a tough time, or inferring that all people on assistance don't care for their kids.

-- Lenette (kigervixen@nospam.com), April 21, 2002.



Lenette, I understand your comments about assistance. I have a friend who works for DHS, and she has seen it all! There are people out there who need and deserve assistance. There is also a girl I graduated from high school with who kept having kids just to get more money from the government. She was pregnant with #2 when we graduated - that's the way her mother "raised" (if you can call it that) her, so that's what she did.

Cathy, I think your parents were probably just being concerned, like you said - kids can be expensive! It sounds like you all have everything under control, though. As to the other people who don't really know enough to pry into your birth control methods, tell them they don't!

By the way, I like the answer for your dad - Definitely top rate!

Oh, and Joel - you can be so eloquent!

-- Christine in OK (cljford@mmcable.com), April 21, 2002.


Whatever you, your husband and God decide is what's right.

-- Cindy (S.E.IN) (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), April 21, 2002.

Not to steal any thunder from the beauty of this thread, all I can say is that I am a parent also. Once in a great while you strike the nail precisely on the head and most times you miss a little right or a little left and believe me, I have the swollen fingers to prove it ! Just glad it helped Cathy !

-- Joel Rosen (JoelnBecky@webtv.net), April 21, 2002.

My MIL and FIL disapprove strongly of our plan to have and adopt a large family. We've got 2 now, 20 mos apart and plan to have at least 3 more. My FIL was pretty insulting recently, saying that he didn't think it was a good idea for us to just, "keep churning out children without a plan." They worry because we don't have a lot of money, and they think that what we need is to provide kids with a suburban, middle class lifestyle. My MIL wants to know when I'm going to put my oldest (just turned 2) in preschool - even though she admitted that neither of us required preschool. I point out that our values are different than theirs - that Marty, my FIL (step, actually) put his 4 kids through college, but while I think that is a lovely gift, I don't think that it is wholly necessary to pay for your kid's college outright. I guess I try hard to figure out what they are actually worried about, and to allay those fears, while still being clear that their values are not ours. Mostly, they worry about money, but my MIL, for example, started defending us by saying that she was really glad that our kids weren't in daycare.

In regards to population - I'm more ambivalent about this, although that doesn't mean *at all* that I'm criticizing anyone's choice to have children. But I do think that the issue with American children is how much they consume. Homesteaders do better in this regard, but the average American child will consume the resources of dozens of children in the third world, and several times those used in Europe. My personal feeling is that by having (and adopting, we hope) a large family, we need to reduce our use of resources accordingly.

-- Sharon in NY (astyk@brandeis.edu), April 22, 2002.


Lenette, we had one child, our second, paid for by the State of Georgia. This was what we felt we had to do at the time, but we determined never to do it again. Mostly, we objected to all the personal questions we had to answer, which we felt were an invasion of our privacy. Also, we already objected to high taxes, and felt that this was one more thing keeping them high.

Our other five children were paid for out of our own pockets. We have never had maternity insurance, and things have been rather tight at times, but the Lord has always provided all of our needs and many of our wants.

Here in Canada, the socialized medicine works a bit differently. This baby will be covered under the Ontario Ministry of Health, which pays for the midwife, but we still have to pay any lab and ultrasound fees, and will have to pay the hospital if we are not able to birth at home. If we had our permanent visas, we would be totally covered. I have not yet formed an opinion about this system; we have not had to fill out any forms or answer any personal questions. The midwife files all the papers for us and the government pays them directly. We see neither the paperwork (except to sign it) nor the money.

If this option were not available, we would certainly pay for it ourselves without any complaint. Sometimes the government cuts back and certain medical services are no longer covered. If this happens to midwifery, fine. Meanwhile, we still try to live as frugally as possible.

-- Cathy N. (eastern Ontario) (homekeeper86@sympatico.ca), April 22, 2002.



Cathy, I pray the Lord blesses me with lots of children. Each is a blessing and brings something special into your life. Your so blessed to have that many.I never have cared what others think , but family sometimes just doesn't get it. God Bless!

-- Micheale from SE Kansas (mbfrye@totelcsi.net), April 22, 2002.

Cathy-----I only had one child that was all I was able to have ---but I helped raise 5 step-children---- & several foster children & many other children called our place "home"-----when ever/ I'm in a store & some one says "Mom" or "Grandma"----I still answer to everyone--by force of habit!!! ha!

My Mother had 4 children & if she would have had her way there would have been none!!!---One day she said to me---I never have figured out why you feel compelled-----to mother the world!!!!!!

When ever she visited our home & there were children everywhere she would always make statements--about where did I find them all--- etc/etc/etc/--& much worse-----

The kids would all answer-"Hello Grandma!!!" To my mother ---who hated to be called Grandma!! ha!

I'm soooooo sorry --my Mother never found the love and peace I have with all those babies ---what ever size/ color or/ age!!

She hated all the animals also----& never could understand why I always had animals----usually ones no one else wanted or needed care-- -

I'm sooo sorry she never knew that love & was never that caregiver!!! Cathy---it is the other people's loss---not ours!!!

-- Sonda (sgbruce@birch.net), April 22, 2002.


We have very dear friends who have 13 children. They are a wonderful family but they are glad that Lord hasn't blessed them with any more for the past 3, almost 4 years now. They are work too and they are getting tired. The food preparation alone would boggle my mind. She says it's not as bad now with only 9 home--two are married, two are in college.

-- Nancy (nannyb@huntel.net), April 22, 2002.

I just couldn't let this one pass me by!!!!!!!

As a mother of 12 children, I can honestly say that once folks understand that you plan to have as many as the Lord will give you,they are not usually surprised when you announce that the next blessing is on the way.

My folks were pretty good about accepting our beliefs as far as how many children we wanted to have, and, they don't even claim to be born again christians. My husbands family has come to terms with it, but, do make alot of so-called "jokes" about it!!!!!!

We don't ask anyone else to provide for us--the Lord has always blessed in so many ways--it's been great for our children to see first hand how God is able to take care of His own.

Our oldest is a daughter 21 and married--our youngest is a 5 month old baby girl. The baby gets so much love from her brothers and sisters--actually, the children all love each other very much!!

Our oldest daughter, and, oldest son are both out of the home living far from home, but we always hear from our son atleast once every day, and, we usually hear from our daughter atleast twice-three times a week(I can't wait until she gets a computer).

I was told after I had my firth child, that, I shouldn't have any more because of having some varicose vein problems, but, I went on to have 7 more, and, three of them were born at home with my husband, and, our Amish midwife.

I think when folks see that you love your children and take good care of them, and, make them behave, they tend to be less critical.

May the Lord fill you with wisdom & sweet responses!!!!!!!!!!!

Marsha

-- Marsha (Thankful4Jesus@excite.com), April 22, 2002.


As a mother of five I have heard some very rude comments, most wondering if we were catholic.(were are not)I wanted a lot of kids but after the fourth decided that it was all I could handle. God had something else in mind though and gave me another. My parents just shook their heads but my mother in laws reaction was awful. She told us that we should "give it away". I didn't like her before but now I won't step foot in her house unless I have to. It's been 10 years and I still feel the pain that caused.

-- buffy (buffyannjones@hotmail.com), April 23, 2002.

Well, I'm looking at this from another point of view. I cannot have children and we made the decision not to adopt. My husband and I are married 8 years (next week!) are very happy and content having just the 2 of us. Yes, sometimes I feel that we're missing out on something, but this is the plan that has been set out for us and we are able to accept it. My emotions were in a horrible mess while we dealt with all the medical testing & expenses, but now that that has ended I feel much more stable emotionally.

We are still constantly asked about children. If it is someone that we've never met before, I completely understand the innocent question and I can handle that. But why do people feel sorry for us? It's not a question of right & wrong. There's nothing right or wrong with not having children or having lots of children. I often hear comments from parents, "Boy, you're so lucky that you don't have kids. They're such a pain." or something like that. Do people say things like that to make ME feel better?

Cathy, best wishes to your entire family and I wish you good health.

-- Charleen in WNY (harperhillfarm@yahoo.com), April 24, 2002.


Charleen, my cousin is unable to have children. They are perfectly content with this. She says she never really had a desire for children as she was growing up. They work with the youth group at their church, she works in the children's ward at the hospital and they are both active in other ways in their church and extended family. God designs different families in different ways for His purpose. The couples I feel sorry for are those who cannot have children, but want them desparately.

-- Cathy N. (eastern Ontario) (homekeeper86@sympatico.ca), April 24, 2002.

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