More matters of the heart : LUSENET : Country Families : One Thread

OK since you all did a geat job with the other thead figured I would throw another one at you .I have a fiend who was divorced in Aug 2001.He started seeing a woman who he says he cannot stop thinking about , they get along great and whenever not together he wants to be with her among other things.Problem is because of other circumstances they could not spend enough time together in his book , along with him being gun shy .She told him she loved him .They broke up and still talk , all the same feeling are there after several months .

He started seeing someone else who is trying to control him ,always trying to get him to do what she wants ,Doesn't want him talking to woman 1 {even know they are and will always be friends first }.She has noticed woman 1's phone # on a bill laying on the desk and has a fit when she {1} calls . He wants to keep contact with 1.She on a regular basis says it's over then changes her mind.He does not like being alone and says sometimes things are fine but nothing compared to # 1 .He doesnt want to be alone and hates conflict .I gave him my option , now I want yours . I will tell you mine at the end to avoid tainting the thread. PS I think 1 would go back if sshe was sure of his feelings and a commitement , she still loves him after several months apart .

-- anonymous for now! (, April 08, 2002


Well it sounds like your friend either needs to put up or shut up. If he loves 1 then he best get to telling her and quit it with 2. It sounds like 2 is someone that he doesn't really need to be with. If he really loved her then he wouldn't always have 1 on his mind. It is so easy to confuse lonliness with love. Suggest that he doesn't settle. It will just turn out bad in the long run.

-- Melinda (, April 08, 2002.

As sands through the hourglass..oh, sorry, I got confused..LOL....why on earth anyone in his or her right mind would want to be with a person who controls their every move is way beyond me....I would dump #2 in a heartbeat and recommend she try out for a boot camp position where she would be truly happier. If I were #1,I'd tell this fellow to make a choice quickly or I was moving right along and getting a new phone number......never understood such needy people....I would much rather amuse myself than be a participant on a real life soap opera..why want to be with someone who doesn't want you? is way too short for all of this intrigue.

-- lesley (, April 08, 2002.

Before I get too involved here---- what grade are these people in? If they are out of High School, this sounds like they need to chat with the kid in the other post because he seems to have his head screwed on better than these 3 do.

Only been divorced for what----7 or 8 months and working on a second relationship.

Sounds to me like he needs to spend a bit more time on his own figuring out who and what he is before bringing anybody else into the picture.

-- Tana Mc (, April 08, 2002.

I think he needs to rent a cabin in the woods for a year with no female contact..... When I got divorced, someone told me not to even talk to another man for a year, I followed this advise ( only cause it was from a trusted friend) and man am I glad I did. My sis has been married 7 times because she never gives herself time to heal before she looks for the next guy. ( she is 30 by the way ).

-- Kristean Thompson (, April 08, 2002.

No matter what, girl # 2 needs to be history.

Then your friend needs to learn to be alone and enjoy his own company before he can really be a functional part of a couple. It takes 2 people to have a bad marriage and divorce. Your friend needs to make some personal changes that can only be done while spending time alone.

After he does that, then he should attempt to reconnect with girl #1 to see if it is a healthy relationship.

-- Laura (, April 08, 2002.

I have a sister who is playing this crazy game as well. I don't get it. Honestly I feel like I don't even know her anymore. She was seperated two years ago, with a guy who was "perfect" for 15 months. Then realized he wasn't "perfect", had the next Mr. "Perfect" picked out dumped the first Mr "perfect" (who was actually third if you count her first two marriages) and she wants me to think this realtionship with the 4th Mr "perfect" is really going to last...huh???

It seems to me that the people who most NEED to be actually, physically, truly alone, for a length of time simply refuse to do it. Must be afraid of who they might wake up in bed with. This kind of behaviour is actually rampant, I won't even go into the friend who 29 and divorced twice and in love with her college professor right now- I don't believe you can figure it out to the perps satisfaction. Cabin in the woods would be step in the right direction. For the good of all humanity!!!:). I DO hope he figures it out.

-- Doreen (, April 09, 2002.

First your fiend has no business getting that serious in such a short time anyway. That is a sure way to get a nother divorce under his belt. I always advise a year before beginning to date, and that is from the man of experience. The second jealse one ditch faster than a hot potatoe. There is no where to go there but into a really bad time. When I divorced I set age limits, how old and how young I would date. Never date exclusively with anyone for the first year. Actually was 5 years before I went exclusively with anyone. Was single for 9 years before I finally met and married my wife. This was after being married for over 20 years the first time. Tell them to take it easy there is no rush, life goes own the right one will come along if they are not out with the wrong one and miss them.

-- David in North Al. (, April 09, 2002.

Thanks for changing the title . Ok most of you dittoed what I said .He needs to be happy alone before he can be happy with someone else. # 2 isn't going to change only get worse and she needs to go and fast.As for # 1 she loves him but only wants him if he is sure thats where he wants to be .She figures it's better to let him be a jerk now and avoid it in the future.He is really a great guy and I hate to see him make any mistakes that will really hurt down the road.

-- Patty Gamble (, April 09, 2002.

dump #2. Anyone who wants to controll doesn't understand love. Make up with #1, be her friend or what ever works for now. It's still early. Being friends and sharing and loving that way is better than being controlled. Given time, it will more than likely grow into something more.

-- Micheale from SE Kansas (, April 09, 2002.

Thanks guys , I printed off your responses and mailed them to him .Hopefully he will still be talking to me .

-- Patty Gamble (, April 10, 2002.

I may be late on this one, but here goes. First, girl 2 needs to be kicked to the curb regardless of whatever else happens. If she's as you describe she's not worth the trouble. Second, the guy needs to learn how to be alone and how to be happy with his own company. Only then will he be in solid ground to enter any kind of relationship. Right now he's in the mode of wanting to be with someone/anyone rather than being alone. He needs to grow up about that. If he does, then he might be ready for a relationship with girl 1 or someone else.

-- Gary in Indiana (, April 11, 2002.

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