Need input on love and matters of the heart : LUSENET : Country Families : One Thread

I dont know really what to write, but would like your input on something that is going on in my life. Here goes:

I am a single male, never married, no kids, and have been friends with a single gal for many years. Lets call her Amy for simplicity. We have a great friendship. We do just about everything that a normal boyfriend/girlfriend would do, but we don't hold hands, kiss or have sex. All of our friends and family accuse us of being a couple, but, plain and simple, we are not an 'item'. I do love and care for Amy a great deal, but I just don't know how much I love her.

Amy has implied on several occasions, in very suttle ways, that our friendship could grow into something more. I have also heard rumors that she refers to me as her boyfriend, but she denies them as being falsehoods. I don't really care how she refers to me, by the way.

I have been quick to stop any suttle advances on her part.

All of this falls onto my shoulders. I am to blame here. I had a very hurtful break up with the last woman that I dated. I had loved her with all my heart and soul. I would have crawled on shards of glass for that woman, and she literally broke my heart. I am not a trusting person to begin with, but now I am really, really gun shy.

I am afraid to say that I have built a huge brick wall around my heart. I do not want to be hurt again, and will say without reservation, that I don't think I could take that kind of pain again, and live.

Here is the dilema: Amy went out with another guy this weekend. I am stunned beyond belief. This is one big wake up call for me, and I don't know what to do. I guess, in my own simple mind, that I reasoned that I would eventually get over my distrust and hurt, and that Amy would still be there for me when I was ready.

I do love Amy, but don't know how to get over my hurt and distrust from the last relationship. I do believe that I could grow to love her even more, but I am very afraid to try.

I have alot of questions in my mind. What do I do right now about Amy? How do I get over my hurt? How do I know if Amy is the right one for me? How do I know if I expect too much out of love? Do I have a misconception about what love is and should be? Do I have a misconception about marriage? What happens if I confess all this to Amy, then find out that my love for her can't grow any farther?

I am pretty confused right now, so please be forthright but kind in your responses.

-- just me (, April 08, 2002


Is Amy your BEST friend? You should marry your best friend and stay away from the girls that drag your heart through the mud.

It is time for you and Amy to have a talk about where the two of you are going. You should be able to trust your best friend with the sensitive issues of your heart.

-- Laura (, April 08, 2002.

Oh my, Just me..I hope my two cents does not confuse you more. To me..if Amy was the right know .. the one you would choose to spend your life with..well, I think if she was the one..the wall would be gone. To me it sounds like Amy is safe and comfortable..thats okay..and its better than okay in a marriage..but if she has not broken through that wall of yours..I think there must be someone else out there that can/will. Or at least that is how it was for me. My hubby cracked the wall and it fell..I shamelessly tested him..just to SEE if he would hurt me..yet he did not. I am ashamed of that now..

I say again..your wall demolisher is still out there. Sorry you are going through this..there are no words of wisdom..just know that we care..

-- Sher (, April 08, 2002.

IMHO, the only person who can break the wall around your heart is YOU. It's terrifying to try to trust again, once you've been so badly wounded. I've been there, my friend, and I know how it scary it is. So, you have a choice to make. You can stay behind that wall, and watch Amy make a life with someone else - and why shouldn't she, if you're not willing to try to make a life with her? - or you can at least TALK to her about your feelings.

It sounds like you're afraid of losing this "safe" relationship you have with her. You get to have a close relationship, but keep yourself guarded and protected as well. I know how scary it is to allow yourself to become vulnerable once you have been so badly hurt. It takes a lot of courage, and faith in yourself. What if you try to have an intimate relationship with Amy and it doesn't work out, and you lose your friendship? What if you never try to have an intimate relationship with her, and she becomes involved with someone else? What if you try to have an intimate relationship with her and it's the best thing that ever happened to you? What if????? Who can say what will happen? There are no guarantees in life. You have to decide what you truly want, and then go for it. You don't always end up with what you hoped for, but you can always grow and learn something from the experience. And sometimes, it's better than you ever dreamed it could be! :-)

Best of luck to you, Just Me.

-- Cheryl in KS (, April 08, 2002.

I have to agree with Laura. When all the bells and whistles and lightening bolts are gone and "real life" sets in, being friends "first" is what will endure.

The problem some people have is in thier understanding of love. It is not that "over-the-top", oh-he's-home!, and hearing fireworks go off. Those are emotions. Love is something beyond all that. It is a steadfastness, security, growing together commitment. Marriage is is a love that is a commitment that, come what may (hard times, easy times, colds, stroke, poor or millionaire) that no matter what-- you will make it work and stick together and be happy. If she is the one you can do that with, then she is "the one". The emotional love will grown along with the commitment.

If anyone tells you differant, they don't have a real life view of marriage. Mind you, you still have to have some romance in there and feelings, but being kind, thoughtful and supportive in a marriage will go further than any sex or lightening bolts ever will! I have been married over 30 years and I love my husband more today than when we were first married. I really believe it is because we made it through some really rough times and hung in there TOGETHER. The heart emotions come as a added bonus for sticking it out!

-- Karen (, April 08, 2002.

The old question holds true, Are you better off with her or without her? How did you really "feel" to know she is with someone else? Sometimes you just have to STOP thinking and start really living!!! I am one of those who can think something to death, so I know what you are going through. But you know that really I think you already know the answer just don't want to admit it to yourself...

"I do love Amy, but don't know how to get over my hurt and distrust from the last relationship. I do believe that I could grow to love her even more, but I am very afraid to try."

Your own words say everything, maybe you should tell them to her my friend!!!!

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (, April 08, 2002.

Amy didn't break your heart! I'd say...get on with it! Forget the broken heart as it is a part of life. I've had a few and they didn't destroy my will to go on to love again. That would be a terrible waste, I think. You've pushed Amy away so much that perhaps she is getting ready to move on. I'd say that you'd better make up your mind. I think that you're in love with Amy, but are afraid of losing your comfort Zone. I don't know what your conception of marriage and love is. There are no bells-and-whistles to true love. It's not flowers and candy and candle light. It's two people simply loving each other. By the way, I'm married to my best friend and have been for almost 23 years.

-- Ardie/WI (, April 08, 2002.

There is a biblical test for finding a mate. The modern version of that test is called the Tribecca test. It goes as follows; When picking up Amy for a date or outting than lock all the doors on your vehicle. When you approach the vehicle unlock her door, open it for her, and close it for her. As you walk arund to your side than observe if she reaches over to unlock your side for you. If she does you have found a mate. If she does not than you should wait for a girl that does.

The past is past and the walls you build work both ways. If you wait for someone who is perfect you will die bitter, vain, and lonely. Love hurts--even the best of love is painful at times. If you want a pain free life than a self-indulgent lifestyle will suit you best. If you want trust, sharing , and caring than you must be willing to risk your heart more than a few times. Reward Requires Sacrifice !

-- Joel Rosen (, April 08, 2002.

From my viewpoint, love is when someone else's needs become more important than my own; whereas I can see this, I cannot practice it. Two marriages and 3 or 4 relationships have failed due to inability to communicate and to circumstances (baggage) that came with the packages ( thats baggage for both parties). One thing that is important here is not mentioned; do you want a family? What are your ages?

I had a wildcat mean mother who was allways ready to strike out, physically or verbally; so I tread very lightly around women; and even today I am reserved, at retirement age. Do you have a background like this? Is there a reason you need to be reserved or do you fear involvement? Its true, if you don't buy a ticket, you cannot win the lottery.

Communication and exspectations must be at the forefront of any relationship that is to be successfull. Do you and your friend have this ability? Yes you had a sour dose of reality earlier; did you survive it? Someone typed the words above so I believe you did and you cannot judge one situtation as the normal for all situtations. At this time I view the score as: Losses 1, Wins 0; that cannot be rebalanced if you do not reenter the "playing field". The clock is still ticking, this is life - not a dress rehersal.

-- mitch hearn (, April 08, 2002.

I don't think Amy trusts your intentions. You may feel a commitment to her, but does Amy know this? Amy probably thinks that if she had a chance with you, that you would have at least said that you were interested in her as a woman, as well as a friend. She may be trying to forget you, since she figures she will never have your love.

When I was younger I used to worry about whether or not I would know if I was truly in love. Friends told me that I would just know, but the world was full of really cute guys, and how could I tell the difference between the butterflies in my stomach and the kind of love that would endure?

After I got to know Ron, I realized that it didn't matter if what I felt was real love or not. If what I felt towards Ron wasn't love, then I wasn't interested in love as long as I could have Ron for keeps. We have been married for 26 years, now, and we are still very much in love.

I grew up with walls around me that I only let down for a few people. I was tired of getting hurt, so I was careful. It was Ron who taught me that love doesn't have to hurt. We argue some, but we very rarely fight and he never tries to hurt my feelings on purpose. He is a safe place in a world that can be hard, and he is still my best friend.

-- Terri (, April 08, 2002.

Just kiss the girl! There is a song, on one of the Disney movies that my girls watch, which reminded me of your post, titled Just kiss the girl! If I had been dating a guy for a couple of years and he had not even tried to kiss me yet, I would definatly be wondering! I would be wondering if he even found me attractive. You know, I had to go through a whole lot before I found true love, now that reminds me of another song, a country one, Looking for Love in all the wrong places, looking for love in too many faces. I had this image in my mind of what the perfect guy was suppose to look like, be like. Well this image, may have been outwardly perfect but these guys were far from perfect on the inside as far as maintaining a relationship went, they didn't know squiddly! Not that there had not been some who offered me love, but I found them too easy! I went for those tall dark handsome, hard to keep ones and they broke my heart every time! Well after much trail and error, I started to become friends with the guy next door. He was not Tall, I did not think he was handsome, he was not mysterious. But oh my golly gee, we have been together for nine years now, and it gets better every day. I think he is the handsomest man in the world now, and I love him dearly. He doesn't just make love to me every once in a while, He makes love with me constantly, by the little things he says, the little things he does, the looks he gives me, the understanding he bestows on me. I would not trade him for anything! And maybe all those years of getting my heart broken, maybe I had to go through them, so I would really appreciate what I have in him. No, we did not start off all aflame, but we kindled a spark that has been growing ever since. And we keep throwing logs on that fire, by really caring about each other, by listening to each other, by doing thoughtful things for each other. I love being married to a man, who believes in the same things that I do, who has the same values, who wants the same things out of life, because we can work towards those goals together. My advice is Just kiss the girl!

Trendle Ellwood

-- Trendle Ellwood (, April 08, 2002.

This may sound a bit like a cliche but here goes- You don't fall in love. You chose to love or not to love. Yes, there is attraction but you choose whether or not to do something about it. You also choose to keep carrying around baggage. I carried baggage for another man for a long time. He still crosses my mind once in a while BUT I chose to put it down and move on. That was 18 years ago. I have been very happily married to my best friend for 17 years. Illness, finacial strain, many miles and moves and 4 kids later, I wouldn't want anybody else in my corner. I've done a lot of stupid things in my life, but my marriage was not one of them. No, it is not some passion filled novel or a soap opera..... but I'll take coals that can be stirred to passion over going down in flames and up in smoke anyday!!

Another thing--- if you and Amy are not a couple, why would you even care if Amy went out with somebody else? Don't be a dog in the manger about this. Make up your mind and get on with your life.

Tana Mc

-- Tana Mc (, April 08, 2002.

Oh my! I truly feel so sorry for you or for anybody else who does not understand "love"....I mean is not bells and whistles nor willingness to throw oneself under trains for the other or crawl through shards of glass....all of that is rather dramatic and sounds wonderful..that's infatuation...I pity people who have never experienced is marvelous..makes you feel all giddy and so focused on the other person that you lose your own identity. That's why when the other person does NOT throw themselves in front of a speeding bus in order to keep YOU, you are crushed with pain at the abandonment. How could the loved one, the idolized one DO that? Just think about infatuation for a moment; what would the world b like if it lasted? My goodness, nothing would ever get done..nobody could ever stand to be alone or have the idolized one out of their sight for an 8 hour work'd never have company over! Real lov is much more quiet..that's why it lasts and lasts..literally forever. You say you were stunned that she dated another. Why? When you have also said that you rebuffed her every attenpt at furthering intimacy, what else is she to do but assume you aren't interested and move along..she sounds healthy to me. It is not good to chase someone who acts as if he isn't interested in you romantically. Would you want a woman who is willing to be a doormat? Here's what i told my adult children when they said they had found their future mates: " OK, he/she is lovely, talented, interesting, etc. ALL that away in your mind, right now....suppose he/she had a horrible car accident a year after your marriage..they are left with disfiguring burns, cannot walk, cannot work..will never have children or a normal intimate relationship with you...still love them?" If the answer is "yes", then you are in love..not with their face or their voice or their sexual attraction or their pocket book, but with THEM..that doesn't change as folks age or become ill. When my husband and I married, I was active, and frankly a riot to be around..our home was always full of life and people..I made a ton of money..we had a ton of fun...then I became very ill, very suddenly...Since then, this man tucks me in at night with five pillows, three pain pills and a hot water bottle..he gets up at 3am to rub my feet and legs when the cramps get too much....on and on ...last night he gave me his usual kiss goodnight and told me for the thousandth and three time how much he loves me and would prefer to be with me under any circumstances than to be without me. Now, THAT is love...he sure has no bells and whistles going on in his life, nor does he consider himself to be a martyr. I would do exactly the same for him if the tables were turned and think nothing of it. He is my best friend in the world, and I his..together, we can overcome anything with God in our marriage. I wish the same for you in your confusion over what is and isn't real love. I will keep you in my prayers.

-- lesley (, April 08, 2002.

I was in a very bad relationship and I have been hiding for the last 6 years. The first of this year I realized, life was passing me by because I didn't want to get hurt again. My question to you is this,what is life without love? To me it is empty.My Grandmother sent me an email with this on the end and I live by it daily because life is too short to hide---"Work like you don't need the money,Love like you've never been hurt and dance like no one is watching". Good luck and God Bless-by the way, listen to your heart.

-- Micheale from SE Kansas (, April 08, 2002.

This sounds very similar to the situation my boyfriend Jonathan and I had when we first got together. When we met we immediately felt the chemistry between us, but he was afraid to commit to a relationship because he's a very solitary person and didn't want to be so closely tied to another person, didn't think he could give me enough of his time and attention as I would want, etc. He explained all this to me and I said that it didn't matter to me- I could accept his quirks and give him as much space as he needed to have, then be there when he was ready to come back. We have been together for over three and a half years now and, while I can't help being hurt sometimes when he needs to spend a day or two without me, the time we spend together is more than worth it. What I'm saying is you should explain to Amy exactly how you feel. I get the impression that you haven't told her about your feelings for her, and at this point she probably assumes that you simply aren't interested. If she loves you enough, she will be willing to work through your problems with you. I understand your confusion, and I'm sure Amy will too- just tell her what you do know about your feelings for her and what you are and aren't comfortable with. Again, someone who truly loves you and who will make a good partner for you will accept you and love you as you are. As to whether she is the right one for you, the only way you will know is to try being in a relationship with her. Her reaction to you telling her your feelings will tell you a lot, but spending time together as lovers and taking whatever life throws your way will tell you if you can make a lifetime commitment. I know you must hurt a lot after your prior relationship, but looking back I'm sure you got a lot of joy out of it too. If you don't open yourself up to other people you will never be hurt, but you will never feel that joy again. I don't know you, and I don't know Amy, so I have no way of knowing if you will be good for each other. However, being open with her about your feelings, though difficult, is the only way you will know what is right for you. I wish you lots of luck!

-- Sarah K. (, April 08, 2002.

You, my friend are in very serious trouble here. Your comment is not about Amy, it is about you. You got hurt, and then you built a wall around your feelings. Read your comments they are all about YOU. Now you live in a world where you are the only occupant. Your world, populatione one (1). No room in there for reality, much less another person. The fantisy is so much better. Completely predictible and totally controllable.

You my friend need mental health care, RIGHT NOW. This is not about any other person on the planet, since you and you alone are the only occupant of your world. Get counselling, and get it now; before the only person in your would convinces you that suicide is really the only way out.

I do not mean to be harsh, this is serious business.

-- Ed Copp (OH) (, April 08, 2002.

WOW!!!! I just got home from school and checked in and I'm just floored by all the great responses my question received--THANK YOU!!!

I've thought a lot about this today during my classes and decided that I better wait until I get out of high school before I get seriously involved with another woman. I may loose Amy because of my lack of action, but Mom and Dad tell me that I have a lot of time before I should think of settling down with any woman.

You're a great bunch of people. Thanks again for your input!

-- just me (, April 08, 2002.

I spent 12 years married to someone I considered a friend, thinking that if I just worked at it hard enough I could learn to love him. It was the 12 most miserable years of my life. If you have to ask yourself if you're in love with someone, then you're not.

I fell in love with the man I'm with now the moment I first laid eyes on him, and I love him more every day. We've been together 5 years now and it's still bells and whistles and fireworks. Sometimes I do get a little irritated with him, but the thought of being without him makes my heart drop right down to my toes.

-- Sherri C in Central Indiana (, April 08, 2002.


-- Ardie/WI (, April 08, 2002.

Has anyone ever told you you write well? I think everyone here thought you were AT LEAST 30! Whew!

Just to keep things in perspective, Ron and I dated for 2 years before we got married. We loved each other, but we weren't ready to get married and we both knew it. Take your time: dating can be fun. I wouldn't trade those early 2 years dating Ron for anything. My parents provided room and board, so I only worked during the summer. I would go to class during the day, study with Ron (and YES we did really study!) some evenings, and go out friday night. Don't worry so much: take time to smell the roses. Your parents have given you good advice about not worrying about marriage at this time. Getting there is half the fun, if you rush into things you miss a large part of a delightful journey. Good Luck.

-- Terri (, April 08, 2002.

I think that maybe you ought to just forget nearly everything we wrote to you and worry about where to go to eat before the prom. I never imagined you were in High School. Okaaay, this is my lesson for the day on jumping to conclusions and assuming too much!! lol!!

Knowing this tid bit of info, my advice would be to slow down and enjoy the other parts of life before forming any relationships.

-- Tana Mc (, April 08, 2002.

Love does not have an age!

Love can hurt a 12 year old just like it can hurt a 75 year old.

Someone who was lurking may have benefited from the observations!

******************************************************************** Sorry I can't convey my music here:

It should make you smile, It should warm your heart Like a second chance…. You've got a new start

'stead you turn away........... trapped by the memory Of a distant day, and the pain that clings You just can't seem to turn away to see what there is to see

You just can't seem to realize you're the one that was meant for me

On a distant day............. In a long past time

It broke your heart......... left you standin there cryin

Now I'm waitin here......... trying to get through to you

But my words bounce back.....don't know what to do

You say you can't get over it, you'll never be the same

You can't get over yesterday and our love would be in vain

-- Rick in SW West Virginia (, April 08, 2002.

Well, I am floored! I also thought around 30!! And here I was hoping we would be hearing wedding bells on the forum..LOL!

-- Karen (, April 08, 2002.


-- Melissa in SE Ohio (, April 08, 2002.

I was wondering about that Melissa. They just didn't seem to go together.

To "Just me", I find it incredible that you were stunned by Amy going out with another guy. I mean afterall, you showed no interest in her as far as she could tell, even to the point of spurning her advances. Did you expect her to wait around for you to change your mind? I'm confused about this too; "We do just about everything that a normal boyfriend/girlfriend would do, but we don't hold hands, kiss or have sex." What does that mean? It's normal for people of the opposite sex hang out and do things together without it being a bf/gf thing.

Being hurt is a chance you just have to take when you let yourself love someone. There's no guarantees that it won't happen. You're asking for too much there. It sounds like you're too worried about the end result and ignoring all the things that in between. Maybe you should start out by just enjoying the company of a woman and not worry about the serious stuff until you cross that bridge. The person you choose to spend time with now has nothing to do with what happened with another person in the past. I've been hurt by women since puberty kicked in around age 11 and I've hurt a few myself. It's never caused me fear but it's wised me up a bit over time. Like they say, better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all.

-- Dave (, April 08, 2002.

T Mac. lol dog in a manger????????? Bob se.ks.

-- Bobco (, April 09, 2002.

Just me, DON'T go any farther with Amy unless you know-with all your heart- that you love her in a very special way, that she is so unique and special that no one else in the world could ever substitute for her. Every woman wants to be loved in that way, and unless you feel that for her, you will be doing her a grave disservice, and, one day, believe it or not, you will fall in love again, and it will be worth the risk of the pain. You do NOT want to be married to someone else when you finally fall in love with that special person...You will heal again, but it will take time. Be patient with yourself, and let Amy go to pursue her own happiness. Life is too precious and too short to spend it with someone that you don't love with all your heart, the kind of love that you would crawl over shards of glass for.

-- Rebekah (, April 14, 2002.

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