I'm 45 years old. I was captain of the high school soccer team. I fly airplanes. I enjoy technical rock climbing. I'm a former Special Agent with the US Drug Enforcement Administration. In that job, I went undercover in an operation that included violent Colombian cocaine traffickers and clandestine DEA aircraft. I've been the first through the door, executing ghetto search warrants. I'm now a successful businessman. I 'm also a victim of domestic violence. I've been married to my wife for four years. It has been a tumultuous four years. We have a son who will be one year old this week. It starts with my wife being angry that I went golfing or something like it. It turns into a sickening, viscous argument with no way out. My only choice is to disengage and to walk away. She follows me, hammering away verbally. I take her on a tour of the house, upstairs, downstairs, in and out of rooms until finally I bolt into a bedroom and lock the door. Several times I've been cornered. Alcohol is usually a factor. She has punched me, kicked me, slapped me, scratched me, pushed me and thrown drinks at me. I'm over 6 feet tall and weigh 190 pounds. My wife goes about 115 lbs. I could easily make her the first German satellite, launching her into orbit! I know a few hand and wrist holds that I can usually apply to stop her long enough to run. The thought of hurting a woman makes me sick. And then it happened. She woke me up one night recently and became verbally abusive. I tried to defend myself for a while until I realized that this was more of the same. So I ran. I ran into another bedroom and locked the door. She was out there screaming and swearing hysterically and began throwing her body at the door. There is little doubt in my mind that she would have successfully smashed the door in. Damn cheap doors. I leaned up against the door so that she couldn't blast it in. She became enraged and ran down the stairs and came back with a large carving knife. She began slashing and stabbing it under the door at my feet. It was truly a nightmare. At that point, I had two choices, attempt to disarm her or call the police. I called the police. It was the right choice. She was arrested and charged with criminal menacing and spent the night in jail. Several days later I obtained a protection order from the court. Within two weeks she violated the protection and wound up in jail again. She thinks nothing of arguing, yelling and swearing with the baby in her arms. I point out that she shouldn't do this, but it only makes it worse. I now move through the house in a state of red alert. I sleep in another room with the doors locked. I feel I can defend myself, but I'm still worried for our son and me. She has not threaten him or hurt him in anyway that I know of ... yet. I've suggested that she see a psychiatrist. She refuses claiming I'm at fault.

Is this likely to get worse? Should I get out of this relationship now?

Brad

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2002

Answers

I believe getting out of your relationship is the best bet. If she refuses to see a psychiatrist, there's no hope of her ever regaining her stability.

As for your son, if she is often as violent as you explain she is, your wife may easily harm the baby merely by accident during another outbreak.

And yes, it is likely to get worse. The lack of her taking any medications or seeking professional help leaves her with no means of progressing. If she can't progress, her violence can only worsen...

-- Anonymous, April 06, 2002

I'd get divorced ASAP. Your marital home should be a safe place, not a battle ground. Your wife is not going to change. Her negativity is like "mind poison". It is contagious like cholera and smallpox, but the big difference is that her sickness cannot be cured.

-- Anonymous, May 19, 2002

Your marriage is already bad enough to have gotten out by now. Take the child, take whatever you value, and start a new life. DO NOT BE PROVOKED INTO RESPONDING. Your military training and background, especially what you volunteered freely here would be used successfully against you in court and you might lose the baby to a foster home based on her allegations of your being violent. Best of luck in an insane situation. Drop what you are doing,unplug your computer, and get out.

-- Anonymous, July 27, 2002

lose it and get out man. she wont get anything but worse withought help and you cant give it to her. The child is the focus, its the prime joy, so protect it, but first and foremost get out, before she affects you both

-- Anonymous, August 12, 2002

I have been facing a similar problem to yours in that over the past six years,my wife has been becoming increasingly violent. This is fueled by her drug and alchohol addictions. I was a Marine and would physically have no problem subduing her, but am unable to bring myself to do so. To answer your question, however, yes the violence will continue to escalate, and your own background will be your downfall. What will happen the time she blind-sides you and reflexes come into play. For your own sake, and that of your son, please leave now.

-- Anonymous, August 25, 2002

ALCOHOL IS A MAJOR CONTRIBUTING FACTOR. IT WOULD APPEAR FROM YOUR STORY THAT YOUR WIFE HAS A PROBLEM WHICH SHE NEEDS TO RECOGNIZE . YOU CAN'T HELP HER THERE. [ I'VE BEEN IN THE SAME SITUATION] EVEN IF SHE RECIEVES TREATMENT THERE IS NO GUARANTEE THE PHYSICAL ABUSE WILL END. IT MAY BE ALCOHOL RELATED OR INHERENT FROM DEEP IN HER PAST. THE QUESTION IS, DO YOU STILL LOVE HER. IF NOT, GET OUT AND END THE RELATIONSHIP. IF YOU DO LOVE HER YOU NEED TO FIND OUT FROM HER IF SHE LOVES AND CARES ENOUGH ABOUT YOU TO MAKE EVERY ATTEMPT TO GET THE PROFESSIONAL HELP SHE NEEDS. SHOULD YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE, PLEASE MAKE EVERY EFFORT TO GAIN CUSTODY OF YOUR CHILD. THE DRINKING WILL NOT STOP WHEN YOU ARE GONE! GOOD LUCK TO YOU.

-- Anonymous, September 30, 2002

Brad,

I have only one statement: Take your son, and get out now.

I lived through a situation very much like your's - but fortunately there were no kids involved. Many of the same patterns were evident, though her outbursts were in no way related to substance abuse. Eventually, I separated from my abusive spouse, but six months later, visited her to try to resolve all the outstanding emotional and financial issues with the end of the relationship. I was stabbed four times, cut up very badly, and lost nearly two litres of blood.

As a first priority, you need to ensure the safety of your son, and yourself. Time away from her will bring clarity -- I don't know what more to say.

Please email me if you wish to discuss this further.

- Anon

-- Anonymous, February 24, 2003

Brad,

If your story is mostly accurate, especially the jail part of it, the woman has a serious issue which you CANNOT fix nor should you ever allow your male ego to accept the seemingly worthy but completely unholy challenge. Given your accounting of her behavior, she will likely never see any need to change. Things for her will always run the same nutball course until the DAY she awakes and says to herself (without outside provocation), "I don't like me anymore." Only then will a decision to change occur. There's actually no necessity for a "positive outcome" from such a volitional statement/position -- I assume you've heard of suicide. On the other hand, she may go the other way and seek help; discover and resolve life-long relationship issues. Essentially, pain makes her act the way she does. It's the same for any of us - yourself included.

For a time, you were her medicine - her painkiller. You have exceeded your shelf-life and are no longer effective enough. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself by doing whatever necessary (legally of course) to refrain from being sucked into the dysfunction she is compelled to initiate upon others. Distance is good but couseling is better. Isolation is never a good thing when you're dealing with something like this. The court system is not really an agent of change in this regard. The order you have works only when it is violated. Think about that for a minute.... or two.

Hoping you have or are dealing with this responsibly and soundly.

W. Mark Wilson

-- Anonymous, April 24, 2003