discipline

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I need some new ideas for child discipline! I have no drastic problems, but the 2 little ones lately (ages 8-10) have been a bit testy... Just need some new ideas for punishments as some of the old ones have lost their impact.

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), February 19, 2002

Answers

I'm having the same problem with my 5 1/2 year old. He's fine at school, but when he gets home...

Spanking doesn't work, time out doesn't work, sending to his room doesn't work, yesterday I grounded him from the computer for today. We'll see if that works!

I read somewhere once that spanking only works for kids between the ages of 2 and 7, and after that they have figured out that it only hurts for a short time and isn't a threat anymore, it's time to move on to removing priveledges. I wonder if Mitchell is just "ahead" of his age!! (not really an area I want him to get ahead in, getting in trouble!)

I don't believe in bribery, or I might suggest that one, as I'm sure you have tried all of the above. What about writing sentences or an essay like we used to have to do in school? That would cut into their time, and might be a deterrent.

-- Christine in OK (cljford@mmcable.com), February 19, 2002.


Here are some thoughts from a grandmother: Remember who is the adult and who are the children. You are in charge, no negotiations(sp) allowed. I feel that once you get that attitude, the children realize it and start behaving. Oh..and remember not to talk your children to death. The more you yack at them, the less they listen. Here is a good one that REALLY got my kids attention--I'd speak to them in a very quiet, monotone voice! LOL!

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), February 19, 2002.

I am a lurker so I hope you don't mind me jumping in here!

This all sounds like age approperate behavior. That doesn't excuse rudeness in children but I think if you realize there are very specific stages and behaviors that go along with these stages it help to make it easier to view your kids objectively. My boys are 15 and 12 they have both just come out of such phases. The 15 year old seems to be quickly rolling right back into another one but I try to grin and bare it(very BIG grin, more of a snarl). Try to tell yourself that your children are at a stage when they are just learning about their autonomy and testing the ground.

For my kids it usually worked if I recognized the behavior, named it, and maybe name the source of the behavior; ie, t.v., firend, movie, whatever. Then I would tell them (all in a very matter of fact tone of voice) how I felt about that behavior, and how it made me feel. I have also informed them that if they choose to practice that behavior(a particularly nasty one) that was fine with me but it was NOT o.k. to practice it in my presents. I made sure to tell them I loved them for who they were and I felt that if they continued in this fashion they might not have many friends and that would be sad.

Another stratagy that has worked is to ask the child if they have ever experienced such behavior, name caling, hitting, general bullying. Then ask how it made them feel,leave it at that. Don't answer the question or insist on answers, don't explain. Let them figure it out for themselves.

Usually you will find if you fight it too much it will only increase, they have found your button and they will use it. Don't punish them for experimenting with their personality. It is a very natural phase for all kids to go through, and this is just the beginning. Help them to explore other personalities, do roll- playing. Try on a few new ones yourself you might find a new game to play with your kids.

These are trying times keep your humor and laugh at them occasionally especially if they are really being silly. When my kids make a face at me I'll just make one back at them. We usually laugh because they see how silly it is. This too will pass and then they will start again. But they will be grown and gone soon, they probably have only another 10 years or so left with you. Love them!

Discipline and punishment are very different things. Discipline is derived from disciple (n): one who helps spread his master's teachings. Punish (v): impose a penalty on or for.

Personally, I would rather teach my children how to act and model the behavior I want them to have. Ignore the negative, reward the positive. As they grow they will carry these lessons with them and use them in their own situations . Good luck, Susan

-- Susan In Minnesota (nanaboo@paulbunyan.net), February 19, 2002.


Just take the ball out of the mouse until they have earned enough "good time" to have it returned.

-- mitch hearn (moopups@citlink.net), February 19, 2002.

That is the problem, they don't watch TV, could care less about the computer, they do like to play a race-car game on a Nintendo machine my Mom bought for them. So they are banned from it for a week!

The biggest trouble I have is the constant nit-picking one another... It is driving me to destraction. Individually they are great, but put the two in the same room, and it is not much fun for any of us!! Must be spring fever,and being together too much.

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), February 19, 2002.



Melissa, their nit-picking on each other is a negative way of trying to get your attention! If it starts, send both of them to their room or rooms. Tell them that, if they want to be around you, they have to stop it! If they have no audience, it isn't fun anymore.

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), February 19, 2002.

Could be Ardie! Mostly it is this one touched that one etc... They don't lack my attention, but they both want to be right all the time! I think that is part of the trouble.

I do send them to their rooms, but that doesn't seem enough to me. I want something BIG!!! Maybe I will run away from home the next time they start at each other!!!!!!!!!!

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), February 19, 2002.


Melissa, my friend, you have cabin fever! Would it be possible for you to get away from your family even if it is just for a day? Go shopping or something, ANYTHING to be by yourself or with a girlfriend! No children, no husband, just some time for yourself. And, don't you dare feel guilty about it either! The best mothers in the world need that once in awhile!

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), February 19, 2002.

Ha, Ha, Ardie!! They are in school today so I am home alone, they just went back after a 4 day break so I do miss them. We will work it out eventually I guess!

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), February 19, 2002.

Pick your battles carefully and ALWAYS win them!! This will pay off big-time when they are teenagers. I don't get backtalking or whining from my teenagers (age 14 and almost 19). We were the boss and they knew it . All I had to say was "Mind me!" and they knew they better shape up! I always told them that our house was NOT a democracy. It was a dictatorship and my husband was King and I was Queen. Someday they can be queen over their own family!! Our college girl was home this weekend and we had a small incident where she was not allowed to do something she thought she should. She felt we were being WAY overprotective. She was very upset, but did not argue, and accepted out decision and moved on.

-- connie in nm (karrelandconnie@msn.com), February 19, 2002.


I read an interesting book called Helicopters, Drill Sergeants and Consultants that had some very good ideas for getting kids to behave.

If that fails, there is always the parent's secret weapon....duct tape!

-- chuck in md (woah@mission4me.com), February 19, 2002.


Hmm, duct tape, now that has possibilities!!!!

They are good kids, just a bit over the top sometimes. The trouble is we are out-numbered and they are cuter than we are...

-- Melissa in SE Ohio (me@home.net), February 19, 2002.


In my opinion, sending kids to their room is not a punishment. My DD had everything she could ever want in her room, so sending her to her room kinda defeated the purpose.

So about a month ago, when I found out how bad her grades were sliding and I was dealing with her know-it-all attitude, I called her on it. I gave her a bunch of boxes and bags and told her to pack up everything in her room - music, games, books, you name it, it went! The bedrooms not a fun place any more! Might be worth a shot!

-- Lisa in WI (llehman16nospam@hotmail.com), February 19, 2002.


Melissa -- My two boys are 8 and 6 -- and homeschooled (ie., constantly under each others feet -- 24/7) and drift between being best friends and sworn enemies. I have found that corporal punishment (spanking) has no effect WHATSOEVER -- surprising, I don't remember my dad ever finding that.

The best thing I've found is having an area of the house that is "distraction free" -- as in no toys, Nintendo, TV, radio, etc. Then put them in it and shut the door. Then turn up the music (so that the "MOOOOOOOMMM" doesn't filter through, and ignore them for a decreed amount of time. The books say that it should be no longer in minutes than the child's age -- but I've found six minutes doesn't cut it with my youngest.

The only other thing I can suggest is to remove all entertainment for a "grounding period". My youngest just got off of a month of electronic-free grounding. That meant everything from Nintendo to TV to the computer -- he wasn't allowed to listen to the radio, check his email, etc.

He's been an angel ever since. All I have to do is point to the computer (or whatever "fun" thing is in the room) and it's INSTANT good behavior. I'm sure this will wear off eventually, but for now I'm taking full advantage. I've found that if you go fast and hard with the punishment (as in a quick decision while they're DOING the behavior for an EXTENDED period of time -- as in a month) and STICK TO IT -- they do learn.

Good luck.

-- Tracy (trimmer31@hotmail.com), February 19, 2002.


I have also found that adding extra chores helps!

-- Karen (mountains_mama2@hotmail.com), February 20, 2002.


When my kids started that, I would make them do somehing together, such as scrub the wood floors. They had to do it side by side, and any more bickering got them another room to do. My floors were cleaned, and they either hurried up to finish so they could go to seperate rooms, or were laughing and having fun by the time they were done. If that was the end result, then maybe they got to help make some cookies or other treat. It worked, they are 18 and 17 now and get along great. Good luck,

-- Joanie (ber-gust@prodigy.net), February 20, 2002.

This is probably not the tightwadder's first choice, but sometimes drastic situations call for drastic measures. Give each child a roll of--you pick--pennies, nickels, dimes, or quarters. Each time a child says something nit-picky to another child they have to pay that child one coin. What's left at the end of the week, they get to keep.

If that sounds too much like bribery, here's another one. The child being mean has to do one of the chores of the person they're being mean to. Choose chores that they always do, rather than chores that are rotated: making the other person's bed, picking up their clothes, etc. The job has to be done right for it to count.

One more idea: put them both together working one chore that requires cooperation. If they give you or each other a hard time doing that chore, give them another one when the first one is finished.

Have them list ten things they like best about the other person--you might want to start with five, but encourage ten.

All the time that they are in the process of learning to be nice to each other, have them learn Bible verses that talk about being kind, loving, and serving. If I remember right, you have some artistic children. If these two like art, have them make posters for their own rooms based on some of those verses.

The idea is to get them to love and serve each other, rather than themselves.

-- Cathy N. (homekeeper86@sympatico.ca), February 20, 2002.


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