A dear friend of mine is dying in California. He is 83. He has been a merchant marine, married, divorced, raised her kids himself. Now, he has cancer that has spread throughout and is not treatable. The doctors have said there is really nothing to do to lengthen his life medically (as in reducing the impact of the disease), but that they can insert a feeding tube. He is not able to swallow easily, but he does not want the tube.

My dear friend is taking his prognosis very very gracefully. His family is not. He has said to me that he has had a wonderful 83 years, but he is tired, and he is ready for the discomfort of this episode to be over. He wishes to let God and nature work. His family is trying to pressure him into accepting the tube, to the point of calling friends and asking us to pressure him. We have declined to do so.

I know there will be many reactions to this, and we all have different experiences with death of loved ones. My grandmother lived to be 93 years old. My mother kept her at home, keeping a promise to never put her in a rest home. It was very difficult for my mother, and I am proud of her courage and strength. What I learned from watching them is that living fully and seeing death as the completion of a wonderful life is a natural thing, not something to rave against or have hysterics about.

Our grieving at their parting is a selfish thing, in a way. Our sadness is due to the fact that we will not have interaction with them in the way we are used to. But, it strikes me as incredibly disrespectful to force this gracious and generous man to suffer longer just so he can be on this earth. How sad that they are turning his last days into a family fight instead of holding his hand and celebrating the good times, the fond memories, and the love.

If you face this situation in your family or with friends, please observe your own reactions, thoughts, and behaviors. Keep in mind that love is what is most important, and the love does not end when the breath stops.

-- Rose (open_rose@hotmail.com), January 22, 2002

Answers

It is wrong to strech an expired life beyond the suffering via advanced medical abilities. The 83 year old person chooses to turn loose; how selfish the others are, they are not thinking about the sufferer; they are thinking about their own sadness due to lost connections to the past. They are unsure of their own ability to continue, alone. They might think they are helping, a noble thought, but useless at this late time frame; everybody: step in much earlier, when you can make a differance! Print this and hand it to them.

-- mitch hearn (moopups@citlink.net), January 22, 2002.

What we should really be concerned about is not so much the time or method of someone's departure from this earth, but their destination after that departure.

Each of us is mortal, yet we will all live forever. The question is, where? We make our choice here in the Shadowlands. The best things we experience here are just a poor reflection of the bright joy that can be ours...the worst we see here of loneliness and despair is simply a taste of what we all deserve to experience for eternity, yet the penalty has been paid. Has your dear friend accepted the payment? Have you?

I recently received news that my 82 year old grandfather has prostate cancer. He could have six months, or a few years. He's had a full life here on earth, and though we'll miss him when he goes, we won't have lost him. We'll know right where he is. I'm almost excited for him. What an adventure lies ahead!

-- chuck in md (woah@mission4me.com), January 22, 2002.

When you have to face that someone you love is dying, you also have to face the fact that YOU are going to die, too. Denial makes people do selfish things....It is hard to generous when you are scared.. Hope that this family faces facts and enjoys their remaining time --- before it is too late.

-- Tana Mc (mcfarm@totelcsi.net), January 23, 2002.

Rose, how wonderful for you that you've had this dear friend; sharing parts of your lives with each other. God Bless you.

-- Cindy (SE. IN) (atilrthehony@hotmail.com), January 23, 2002.

It is harder to watch someone you love suffer, than to watch them die in peace, knowing that their lives are held in the hands of a loving heavenly Father, who never forsakes us!

Most of the people I have ever seen who are really afraid of death and dying, have no belief in God or faith. Just my observation. If you have faith, you know that God has a plan, bigger than anything we can even imagine!!!!

-- Melissa (me@home.net), January 23, 2002.

Rose-my Mother in Law is dying. She is only 62, but she has Lou Gerhigs disease-(ALS) She has allready lived longer than people uasully do at with this. She accepted it much easier_(well it seems that way to me-I don't know what she goes through in the dark of night) than the rest of us though we didn't fight about anything. Sometimes her and my FILs approach to things drives us(husband and I) nuts-she has put off some treatments we think would help, and she does a lot of alternative medicene things, but we had to realize that it is HER LIFE AND HER death and so we go with her wishes. It is hard sometimes!!!! Some other people have made the point-you have to examine your motives(a thing most of us don't like to do) and think about whats going on with you, and face your fears. I know that as a result of nursing her through this time, my fears of dying have greatly lessened. I'm fortunate that she has such grace.

Just a note, she is on a feeding tube, and it isn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be, feeding tubes are not as invasive as you might think. However, I agree, if your friend doesn't want it, that should be up to him.

-- Kelly(KY) (homearts2002@yahoo.com), January 23, 2002.

"Keep in mind that love is what is most important, and the love does not end when the breath stops. "

Thank you, Rose, for the gentle reminder.

-- Dawn (olsoncln@ecenet.com), January 23, 2002.

I think we should honor the wishes of our loved ones and let them keep their diginity I have dealt with this personally.My Mom was very ill,she should have proably passed on December 23 but because of selfishness of some of my siblings she lingered until December25,those two days were terrible and the memoryof them is still to painful for some of my siblings,but I let her go,my mind is at peace.Strange that I seen this post tonight,as My husband and I were talking about this subject earlier tonight,I was wondering how far should we go to keep someone alive and when do we let God have our control too.

-- willa (goodall6@hotmail.com), January 23, 2002.

Chuck in Md said it all! I worked for years (RN) in nursing homes and loved "my little old people". I have told all my family that I want to live until I die, not exist as a lot of people are forced to do. I don't even want CPR. I am almost 66 yrs old and KNOW where I am going when I die, not because of who I am but because of WHOSE I am. I don't condemn anyone else if they want CPR, etc. and if I were 30 yrs younger, I probably would.

-- gibson girl (bobtravous@email.com), January 24, 2002.

My Uncle had bone cancer. He was just in his late 50's and they only gave him 6 months at the most. They could not really do anything for him because another doc kept telling him it was bersidus (?) and by the time he had changed doc's it was all through him. He told the doc he was going to live long enough for his little girl to remember him and he did (3 1/2 years) He let them do alot of experamental things on him because he said even tho it would not help him they might learn somthing to help somone else. The doc he had was wonderful. About the last 6 months he was in so much pain even morafeen could not help. The doc gave him a open ended perscrip for morafeen. The doc told him 3 or 4 times make sure you don't ever take this many pills in a day cause it could be leathal!! My uncle told him he got the message. The doc could not help him die but if it got to be to much he gave him a door to get out. He never did take his life. He got far enough along his daughter turned 8 years old. One day she came to his bedside and said daddy you know it's ok for you to go to heaven Mom and I are going to be fine and gave him a big kiss. He passed a couple days after that. One funny thing he told her was when they put his ashes in the river (he picked the spot) the fish would eat his ashes and then the birds would eat the fish and when a birded pooped on a car window it was just him stoping in to say hi. LOL Well she was ridding home from the river with my folks after scattering his ashes and sure enough a bird pooped on the window. Mom said the crying stoped and everyone just looked at each other then cracked up laughing. He would have been so happy he could have cheared them up that way.

-- Teresa (c3ranch@socket.net), January 24, 2002.

While I fully understand people wanting to keep their loved ones with them as long as possible, letting them suffer needlessly is not an act of love, but selfishness. I'm not talking euthanasia here, but just letting them go when it is their time, rather than going to extremes just to convince yourself there's still "life" there.

My grandpa got prostate cancer when he was about 82. They wanted to do surgery, start all kinds of cancer treatment, etc. Grandpa asked how long that would extend his life. They said they could give him another 18 months perhaps. He said no, just give me whatever pain medication I need, I've lived long enough and I'm not afraid of dying. The doctors were horrified that he chose to do nothing, and said he would not last 6 months without treatment. Which was ok with Grandpa. Well, he had his good days and his bad, but he was finally brought down by a heart attack 5 years later while he was raking leaves in his backyard. He told my grandma and cousins that he'd had a good life and was ready to go meet his Lord, then he passed away.

As Chuck said, the main issue is WHERE we're going. Today is the day to make that decision, as you don't know what the next 5 minutes will bring. In our little town, three teen girls (one the pastor's daughter) were on the way home from church one afternoon last fall. They'd gone only a few blocks down a quiet street and stopped to wait for an oncoming car to pass before making a left turn. At that moment a young woman speeding in a big SUV, slammed into the car and ended up on top of their little car. The pastor's daughter was killed instantly, and one of the others barely survived. You never know when or how you will go, but you need to be ready.

-- Lenette (kigervixen@webtv.net), January 24, 2002.

Rose, firstly thank you for your beautiful response to my query on the countryside forum. My husband had a massive stroke this past May. After being in a coma for three months he opened his eyes, he was/is unable to speak or move. After watching the effects of this trauma on his wasted,ravaged body, I felt death would be a blessed release. I asked for him to be removed from the ventilator, which they did, he continued to breath on his own. Vince has a feeding tube also, after his third bout of pneaumonia I asked about the possibility of it being removed. Because he is still registering brain activity they declined. In retrospect I realize I didn't ask all the right questions or sometimes even know what the right questions were! We live in Vermont, he had his stroke in Mass., commuting and communications with the ICU were sometimes garbled. He is in a nursing home in Mass. Something that I always promised him I wouldn't do. Communications with his mother were hurtful, there were days when I wondered if we would ever be able to move beyond this. She felt I had not done enough...I reminded myself that we oftensay and do things in grief we wouldn't ordinarily say or do. My family lives in Texas, I was on my own. I tried to respect his wishes in every way I could. I do urge folks to make their living wills, I have since this event. People could only go on my word, subjects I learned later some spouses never discuss. We see him every two weeks, every now and again I see aglimmer in his eyes....He's still there. as a father and husband, he has been kind and loving. As my best friend, irreplaceable. Somehow I had to reach deep down inside myself when the going got tough. My children and I have grown thru this. Thanks Rose for your insights.

Terran in VT.

-- Terran Sadowski (homefire@sover.net), January 25, 2002.