I have been involed in a one-way abusive relationship(her toward me)for over 5 years. The type of abuse has been mostly emotional,but she has punched me,thrown water in my face in a restaurant. The situation has always been the same,however. If she doesn't get what she wants(and her wants always are changing),she will call me foul names,use put downs and/or even break up. She has broken up with me at least 30 times in over 5 years. The break-ups last about 2 to 3 weeks and then she will contact me and the cycle repeats itself. She has broken up with me each of the last 2 Christmases and New Years. This has hurt me tremendously. Her latest demand is that we move in together and share expenses and our lives under the same roof. I told her that she could move in with me,but that wasn't enough. She wanted me to sell my house(which is almost paid off)and buy a much more expensive and larger home. I told her that I'm only a few years from retirement and that I don't want any more mortgage payments. This was unacceptable to her so she broke up with me again. She told me that she needed to move on--meaning to me that she wants to find(or has found) another man to do this with her. I haven't heard from her in over a month. I miss her and love her very much and am in much pain over this. I know that I shouldn't contact her and I haven't. I am aware that I need to move on,also,but I can't seem to. Every day that goes by when I don't hear from her is pure agony. I have dated other woman lately,but no woman excites me as much as she did---not even close. She is a drinker and is on anti depressants. I don't drink,nor am I on any mood altering drugs. I fear that if she does contact me I'll be too weak--I would take her back in a second....and I know that I shouldn't. I need help. Thanks.

-- Anonymous, January 02, 2002

Answers

Jeff, I think most people who have been through abusive relationships can relate to what you're going through. It's very difficult to resist... My suggestion is that you join the safe-support mailing list (sorry, I know I suggest that a lot throughout these posting, but I really do think it can help). There are a lot of people there who can provide some support and help you keep your resolve.

In many ways, you're lucky. She decided to chose another victim. But this is a chance for you to try and make sure it doesn't happen again, either with her or another person.

My guess is that she will be back, and you need to be prepared. Please join us on safe-support.

Directions for doing so are at http://www.safe4all.org/help.html

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2002

Jeff, I dont know I ended up at this website I guess I am going through the same thing. Here is something you should consider though..sounds like you are as much additive to her as she is to booze and pills.. I would avoid her at all costs. she knows how to hurt you.. Just because others havn't "turned you on as much as she has", I wouldn't give up on other woman. try to be more open minded. Be strong, be clear headed..Remember "All that glitters isn't gold"

-- Anonymous, January 27, 2002

Jeff, I'm so sorry to hear about that. But It really hitshome my dad abused my mom And threatened to kill me It's scary. Well I was just wantingto give the best of luck (at least your alive.)

-- Anonymous, February 20, 2002

i read as far as christmas and yes it,s repeating it,s self but i am trying hard not to take that drink instead my husband does and i most of all am not male inside now the threates of this computer who much more shall i lay in my bedroom and he shall inter with what ever he chooses i think that this relationship is no good for both of us but no one believes me not even the family maybe god will be with me tonight and i shall never wake up in this world p.s im a people person and solatude is not me.

-- Anonymous, February 27, 2002

Jeff,

Although I have never been in an abusive relationship, I simply cannot fathom any person treating another person that way. I know mostly men abuse women, but I knew that it happened to men also - just not as often. My heart goes out to you. But I will offer this advice. Even though you say you love this woman, she has hurt you. And not once, but over and over again. Why do you keep taking her back? I feel anyone who treats someone with physical or even emotional abuse is unhappy with themselves to begin with. I don't know if they do it as a means of control or what, but it still does not make it right. Public humiliation, verbal abuse or putdowns to me is just horrible. It seems childish. If she keeps on long enough, she gets her way. EVERY relationship should consist of compromise. Yet you seem to be the only one doing that. She does not seem to willing to give at all. It is all take. When she takes your dignity, I feel that is crossing the line. I know it may take time - but you do need to move on. After five years of going through the same crap, is it really worth it? You can find someone who respects YOU and obviously she does not. Please try to refrain from contacting her. And if she calls you, tell her in no uncertain terms, that the relationship is over. I realize it will take time. But as you meet new people, focus on the positive. You certainly don't want to sell a home that is almost paid for, or she will be controlling you once more. If you are going to share you home or life with someone, it should be someone who cares about you first. Not themselves. If you stand strong, she will eventually get the message and move on. I am certain you will find that special person who will enrich your life and make you happy. Are you really happy now? Ask yourself that. Please take care and my thoughts are with you. God bless you.

Janet

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2002

Jeff, you sound like a nice guy. I've never been in an abusive relationship, but speaking as a woman, if this woman loved you, she would respect your feelings, not break up with you when the mood hits her. Also, drinking is probably diluting the effectiveness of her medication- not a good combination. The others are right, she'll come back and leave if you let her. Your kindness and money cannot change her. People only change IF and WHEN they want to. She sounds very selfish and unlikely to change. A lot of men don't like to be alone, but maybe you should spend sometime figuring out what it is that Jeff wants - there is some nice woman out there that would probably appreciate your kindness, genorosity AND treat you with love and respect. Good luck.

-- Anonymous, March 22, 2002

Dear Jeff In my case I always thought I could fix her. If I would let her she would definently resort to physical vialence if I didn't kato to her opinion that I was at fault for all her problems or if I tried to calm her down when she was angery. I was much stronger than she and well practice on defense moves physically. But even so, she would blame me if she hurt herself trying to do physical harm to me. But it was the emtional abuse that finally brought me down. By vurture of having a paficist pesonality, a job I really like, and a exarated sense fear of failue, I procrastinated any solution to my problem for 40 years. I learned to set boundaries but it was too late. She didn't like the boundaries but she did accept them for short peroides of time. I mentally and emotionaly gave up. I went into deep depression. On advice of consul I convienced her to tempoarily live with our grand daughter while I had a arm operation. That fortuently that developed into a permaemnt arrangment. Last Christman I got a card from my neigbor saying "I head (I know)about the problems with you wife and that ghe has gone to live with her grand daughter. Now maby you can find some peace and happeness) we have been neibors of 30 years. I was just too stobborn and afreid of failure. I was adivsed in 1965 we didn't have a basis for a good marrige by a phycasrist, frinens and by brothers but I "hung in there" untill it came close to killing my (by my own hands) I gettting better now and becoming socially active. Being naive it 75 doesn't hepl. I remained healthy only by my nutrsoinal and exersees programs. But stil stres nearly ocame me. My suggestins to you are set boundaries based on you own values and needs seek consul and supportive friends and groups,(Codependence Anonyous is a good one.) If she doesn't or cant change simple part wtih no regrets and don't beat yourself for doing it. Ben there too long, David Sutton

-- Anonymous, March 23, 2002

I believe that this woman, despite how much you love her, was using you. I certainly hope this message does not bear offense at that concept.Moreover, I believe you should track her down...have a sort of 'final showdown' in order to get her out of your system at least a little easier. Afterwards, you most likely will be able to 'move on' as you put it very correctly. Moving on is the sole medicine in your situation, along with letting her know you are no longer susceptible to her advances!

-- Anonymous, April 05, 2002

Jeff.

My name is Rick H. I AM RESPONDING to your e-mail posting on the web site of www.safe4all.org= ie. abusive relationship..

I Certainly hear the pain that you have been through, as a man it is really humilitating to keep all those secrets. I REALIZED I NEEDED SOME professional help and for me keep doing these same things day in and day out...and expecting different results is INSANIITY!!!!SHE NEEDS HELPS AND YOU NOR I CAN FIX A WOMAN OR PERSON THAT IS THIS BROKEN.. i begain to build up my suppotive network of healthy safe men who would be gracious and supportive to help me say NO! to her destructive attititudes and destructive or even dangerous behaviors. THIS type of intervention is what professionals will call TOUGH LOVE or setting limits on her destructive behavior or you getting the help and strength the set BOUNDARIES on her out of control behavior.

MY LIFE IS SLOWLY GETTING BETTER. but do not keep secrets from a few close friends and get help. JOIN THE 12 STEP SUPPORT GROUP LIKE AL-ANON has been a tremendous help to keep me focused and nouroused through these boundary conflicts..

Guess what!!! its working for me!!!!!!

-- Anonymous, May 15, 2002

Jeff, you need to be strong and resist the temptation. Never take back anyone who has more problems than you. She's selfish and doesn't care about you. She's like the devil who wants to destroy you and your life.

-- Anonymous, May 20, 2002

Well, I'm posting way late to the thread, but I wanted to write that mostly I agree with what everyone else has written. Abusive women do exist and in far greater numbers than anyone would like to admit. I've had run-ins with two. It sure seems like you're interacting with a devil, when their compulsion to act dishonestly shows itself. And the impulse to stand and fight back, or bargain, or try to make it better can be very strong. But it never works. That's something to repeat a lot of times! It never works...the only thing to do is to stop the losses from getting worse by leaving, quietly, and not having contact ever again. And breaking contact can feel like torture in a lot of ways. Fighting back the shame and sadness from breaking contact takes months. At minimum. But it does get better over time, if you give yourself the chance to get through the bad parts. Just staying alive and finding something good for yourself each day is enough. Have courage!

-- Anonymous, February 08, 2003

Jeff, I wonder where you're at now?... I too have been going through this for 2 years and 2 months. I believe you just need to hit the bottom. I have lost many (30lbs.) well needed pounds and feel very sick every day. There comes a time you must care enough about yourself. The day you feel like you have no soul left you must reach to a higher power. I have been through everything you've spoke of, and probably even the ones you missed. I'm lonely w/o him, but I'm lonely with him. Before him I was an extremely independent person who gradually let myself get caught in the trap out of pure sorrow for his life. That is how it originated for me, feeling bad for him and wanting to take care of him. He will never respect me because he doesn't respect himself. I have really lost myself in this vicious cycle. The good news is I have been becoming stronger and taking some control back. You, like myself just want to be heard. What we are really screaming is please love me! All the hows and whys just delay life. Ask yourself how you could ever have loved someone like this instead of wondering why she don't love you. Sad fact is she can't love herself and that is too hard to swallow. The people that treat her well I'm sure she abuses, and the ones that treat her badly she'll chase. Nothing you can change.

-- Anonymous, May 20, 2003

hello Jeff i read your story. i act like her . i dont want to take medications. i dont drink either or do drugs. i believe in Jesus but dont go to church.

what is she supposed to do?

water in the face in a resturant gets your attention. shes obviously the way she is . your tollerance to her is your friendship.its a good quality to accept someone . im a man but i hope i meet a lady as understanding as you.

-- Anonymous, July 13, 2003