A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said: "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?" The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub with milk and take a milk bath." The milkman asked, "Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs".

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-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), December 29, 2001

Answers

That was cute, Lon! Here's one I got in an email:

You Know You're A Redneck If:

~ You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

~ You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a flyswatter.

~ Your property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

~ Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

~ You burn your yard rather than mow it.

~ You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

~ The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

~ Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to spare a loved one.

~ You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

~ You come back from the dump with more than you took.

~ You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

~ Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

~ Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

~ You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

~ You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

~ You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

~ Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

~ When you're shooting the two-ball, three-ball, five-ball combination in pool, you call it the "Rusty-Dale-Terry" combo.

~ You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

~ You have a rag for a gas cap.

~ Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

~ You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

~ You can spit without opening your mouth.

~ You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

~ Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

~ You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

~ You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

~ The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

~ Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

~ You thought the Unibomber was a wrestler.

~ You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

~ Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

~ A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of improvement.

~ You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

~ You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

~ You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), December 30, 2001.

LOL Pammy! But a few of those were just a leeeetle close to home, if you know what I mean. I hadn't thought of the toilet brush/backscratcher idea before - gotta try it!

-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), December 30, 2001.

Um, Lon... just make sure it's a new, un-used one. ; )

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), December 30, 2001.

So my car holds three bales of hay. So what?

-- helen (truck@was.broken.down.that.day), December 30, 2001.