I'd love to give credit to whoever wrote this, but unfortunately I don't know. I thought it was cute:

This is the time of year when we think back to the very first Christmas, when the Three Wise Men-Gaspar, Balthasar and Herb-went to see the baby Jesus, and, according to the Book of Matthew, "presented unto Him gifts; gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

These are simple words, but if we analyze them carefully, we discover an important, yet often-overlooked, theological fact: There is no mention of wrapping paper.

If there had been wrapping paper, Matthew would have said so:

"And lo, the gifts WERE inside 600 square cubits of paper.

"And the paper WAS festooned with pictures of Frosty the Snowman.

"And Joseph WAS going to throweth it away, but Mary saideth unto him, 'Holdeth it! That is nice paper! Saveth it for next year!'

"And Joseph DID rolleth his eyeballs.

"And the baby Jesus WAS more interested in the paper than, for example, the frankincense.

But these words do not appear in the Bible, which means that the very first Christmas gifts were NOT wrapped. This is because the people giving those gifts had two important characteristics:

1. They were wise.

2. They were men.

Men are not big gift wrappers. Men do not understand the point of putting paper on a gift just so somebody else can tear it off. This is not just my opinion: This is a scientific fact based on a statistical survey of two guys I know. One is my son, Rob, who said the only time he ever wraps a gift is, quote, "if it's such a poor gift that I don't want to be there when the person opens it." The other is my friend Gene Weingarten, who told me he does wrap gifts, but as a matter of principle never takes more than 15 seconds per gift.

"No one ever had to wonder which presents daddy wrapped at Christmas," Gene said. "They were the ones that looked like enormous spitballs."

I also wrap gifts, but because of some defect in my motor skills, I can never COMPLETELY wrap them. I can take a gift the size of a deck of cards and put it the exact center of a piece of wrapping paper the size of a regulation volleyball court, but when I am done folding and taping, you can still see a sector of the gift peeking out. (Sometimes I camouflage this sector with a marking pen.) If I had been an ancient Egyptian in the field of mummies, the lower half of the Pharaoh's body would be covered only by Scotch tape.

On the other hand, if you give my wife a 12-inch square of wrapping paper, she can wrap a C-130 cargo plane. My wife, like many women, actually LIKES wrapping things. If she gives you a gift that requires batteries, she wraps the batteries separately, which to me is very close to being a symptom of mental illness. If it were possible, my wife would wrap each individual volt.

My point is that gift-wrapping is one of those skills-like having babies that come more naturally to women than to men. That is why today I am presenting:

GIFT-WRAPPING TIPS FOR MEN

Whenever possible, buy gifts that are already wrapped. If, when the recipient opens the gift, neither one of you recognizes it, you can claim that it's myrrh.

The editors of Woman's Day magazine recently ran an item on how to make your own wrapping paper by printing a design on it with an apple sliced in half horizontally and dipped in a mixture of food coloring and liquid starch. They must be smoking crack.

If you're giving a hard-to-wrap gift, skip the wrapping paper! Just put it inside a bag and stick one of those little adhesive bows on it. This creates a festive visual effect that is sure to delight the lucky recipient on Christmas morning:

YOUR WIFE: Why is there a Hefty trash bag under the tree?

YOU: It's a gift! See? It has a bow!

YOUR WIFE (peering into the trash bag): It's a leaf blower.

YOU: Gas-powered! Five horsepower!

YOUR WIFE: I want a divorce.

YOU: I also got you some myrrh.

In conclusion, remember that the important thing is not what you give, or how you wrap it. The important thing, during this very special time of year, is that you save the receipt.

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), December 21, 2001

Answers

I'm an excellent wrapper....yeah, definately. Definately an excellent wrapper.

-- Rain Man (unkeeD@yahoo.com), December 21, 2001.

I wonder if gay men actually like to wrap presents?

-- Butt Nugget (catsbutt@umailme.com), December 21, 2001.

I hate the threads that confirm that I'm really a man in a woman's body. It's no wonder I get all that spam about making my penis longer.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), December 21, 2001.

You mean the ad that claims "Make your penis longer, 1 to 3 inches guaranteed!"

I wondered how I got on that list. Thanks for forwarding that one Anita.

-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), December 21, 2001.

Last Christmas, the doorbell rang. My boyfriend was on the front porch, naked and giftwrapped. It was such a joy to unwrap the gift.

-- (lorelei@jiffy.lube), December 21, 2001.

Lorelei, we must be kindred spirits. ; )

I've done that myself, but I was hiding behind the tree when he came home. I hope you at least let your boyfriend come in the house before you unwrapped him. : )

-- Pammy (visions@of.sugar plums dance in my head), December 21, 2001.

Yeah...

Tearin' at the wrapping paper...

The Dog

-- The Dog (dogdesert@hotmail.com), December 21, 2001.

After decades, the wife has convinced me that I can't use duct tape. I've gone to the silver metallic tape. I think it looks as fine on packages as it does on pipes. ;o)))

Now if I could figure out how to fold the paper.

Best Wishes,,,,,

Z

-- Z1X4Y7 (Z1X4Y7@aol.com), December 21, 2001.

This piece reminds me of Dave Barry.

And how can someone be wearing giftwrapping and yet be naked?

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), December 21, 2001.

Oooooohhhhhhh!!!!! I just love to be wrapped up, silly, with saran wrap even, but it spoils the present : )

-- capnfun (capnfun1@excite.com), December 21, 2001.

David, it just means you're wearing nothing under the wrapping paper. : )

-- Pammy (pamela_sue57@hotmail.com), December 21, 2001.

I just love to be wrapped up, silly, with saran wrap even,

Phillis Schafly's idea, wasn't it? I actually did this one year. That was the year that I grew tired of SO's family treating me like I was his WIFE. I said, "They're never going to understand that *I*'m an independent woman as long as we're living together." So, he rented a place on a pond. Six months later, I rented a place across the pond from him. I could see him across the pond reading on the patio, but he can't see two feet in front of his face without his contacts, so all my arm-waving was in vain [or is that in vane?]

He offered dinner at his place one night and I said I'd be over wrapped in saran. That stuff SURE is clingy! Of course I had to wear the obligatory trench coat for the walk over. When I took off my coat he said, "You actually DID this?" I said, "Have you ever known me to lie?" Heh. Unwrapping WAS fun. [He DROVE me home the next day. Somehow walking nekkid in a trench coat seemed too perverted to me.]

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), December 22, 2001.

Anita, is it true that your SO subsequently used that same saran wrap to save leftovers. 8^)

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), December 22, 2001.

LOL. I DOUBT it, David. That stuff is pretty "clingy" to anything you DON'T want it to cling to, but when it comes to storing leftovers, the stuff refuses to cling. I seem to remember that by the time he'd unwrapped ME, he had the stuff clung to himself. They've come out now with the "shower caps" for leftovers. I wonder how that would go over...on a body. I may have to E-mail Shaffly [however you spell her name.]

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), December 22, 2001.

Despite the thread drift I am here to tell you that I do just fine with wrapping presents. In fact, my wife drafts me to wrap stuff because I am better at it than her.

I can't believe how sexist you people are besides being obviously somewhat kinky!

-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), December 22, 2001.

Say, would you happen to be the owner of "Jack B. Thug's Cards & Gifts."

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), December 23, 2001.

For the record, I cannot wrap a present properly for anything, but my wife doesn't care too much (although, being my wife, she makes a lot of jokes about it). I tried buying gifts already wrapped, but she "says" she prefers the personal wrap, so you just can't win.

-- SteveOH (Narf@Poit.Zort), December 23, 2001.

Tsk tsk tsk. Wrapping gifts is merely an application of creative logic in the real world.

Patience lads, patience.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeeD@yahoo.com), December 23, 2001.