Fruitcake Recipe:

1 cup water, 1 cup sugar, 4 large eggs, 3 cups dried fruit, 1 tsp baking soda, 1 tsp salt, 1 cup brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts and 1 full bottle of your favorite whiskey.

Sample the whiskey to check for quality, take out a large bowl, check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality, pour 1 level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer, beat 1 cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl, add 1 tsp sugar and beat again.

Make sure the whickey is still OK. Cry another tup. Turn off the mixer. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. Check the whiskey. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one tablespoon of sugar or something, whatever you can find. Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the heck likes fruitcake anyway!

-- Rose Marie Wild (wintersongfarm@yahoo.com), December 07, 2001

Answers

That's hilarious! Thanks for the laugh! (hic!) :)

-- Jennifer L. (Northern NYS) (jlance@nospammail.com), December 07, 2001.

Thanks, Rose Marie! That was good!

-- Cheryl in KS (cherylmccoy@rocketmail.com), December 07, 2001.

No question this is the ultimate recipe for fruitcake. Hereabouts there is a theory that only one fruitcake actually exists. It has been making the rounds from home to home for many, many years, with no one actually wanting to sample it. I find fruitcake (I did sample some once!) to be on a par with raw liver, a taste treat I have not been enticed to try a second time. Your recipe is the best ever, and the only one actually used! GL!

-- Brad (homefixer@SacoRiver.net), December 07, 2001.

Yeah, this is a funny always!

But I gotta disagree on the "only one fruitcake" theory. Many have come into my house and been consumed -- they don't make it back into the cruel world! My sister makes a DELICIOUS light fruitcake. Now if you just dislike dried fruit, you probably would do well to avoid fruitcake. Perhaps that "one" making the rounds is poorly made. The good ones disappear, never to be seen again -- shhhhhhh, it's a secret! ;-)

-- Joy F (S.Central Wisc) (CatFlunky@excite.com), December 07, 2001.

If you would like to hear this as originally presented tune your morning radio to "The Johnboy and Billy Big Show" on any classic rock&Roll station in the lower half of America. The voice is an actor trying to mimic the shows curmungeon news caster named Robert D. Raiford, and is played twice daily between 6 and 10 am. during the holiday season for the last seven years. Becareful, the show is addictive!

-- mitch hearn (moopups@citlink.net), December 07, 2001.

I use an OLD fruitcake as a door stop for the shed door,, been 2 years,, nothing has even tasted it,, nor has it deteriorated

-- stan (sopal@net-port.com), December 07, 2001.