We all have stories from our childhood days that can help parents - either what worked or what didn't and can be corrected.

This is one from my experience that I share with parents of toddlers. I have memories from a very early age and I remember my reasoning process.

I was maybe 18 months old when my mother said to me, "Stay where I can see you." Now from my previous experience with this woman, I thot she had eyes in the back of her head, could see around corners and thru walls! I wanted to please her since it hurt so very much when she wasn't pleased. She soon yanked me up, spanking too hard while hollering, "I TOLD YOU TO STAY WHERE I COULD SEE YOU!!!"

A few yrs later I understood that young children do not understand "stay where I can see you". So when I had younger children in my care, I'd tell them, "Stay where YOU can see ME". Then I"d watch and, as always, one began to stray just out of sight, I'd call [like it's a game] "Can you see me?" It doesn't take long for them to catch on.

With my own daughter I'd put some of her toys in the yard where they could be seen from the kitchen window, show them to her from the window then take her out and show her the window. I could tell when she got it so that I could leave her, after an explanation, and go to the window to let her see me there. If she strayed it was, "Can you see me?" [never a beating]. The initial time it took for her to be comfortable with it was worth it.

In later yrs when I'd have a carload of kids to go swimming, it'd be "Stay where you can see me". Lots easier to count heads that way. It also works in parks, on walks or shopping.

When I moved out of state, a nephew and a neighbor child, as a way of goodbye, both said to me, "I wish you'd stay where I can see you."

-- carol (kanogisdi@yahoo.com), November 21, 2001

Answers

When I was a little girl, my parents always told me to "stay away from strangers" but then gave examples of only MEN...ie, "if a man comes up to you and wants you to help him find his lost puppy, do NOT go with him" So, when i was 9, I accepted a ride from a woman. We lived near Miami beach, it was pouring rain and for some reason I had decided to skip the school bus in order to see if I could find my own way home without it. A man stopped and offered me a ride and I said "no"..then a few minutes later woman pulled over and I hopped right into her car without a thought. Lucky for me she was a genuinely nice person and not a whacko. Please remind your kids that altough a painful fact of life, both men and women strangers should be avoided!

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), November 21, 2001.

I have sat down three times today to answer this. Now I feel able to do it correctly in that I have given great thought to this. If I understand the question correctly it is What can parents do to make the world better for our children?

My background is that I am from a home where my mother was a prescription drug addict, who could maninuplate any doctor for her drugs, a father who was an ignorant saint who attented his church everytime the doors were unlocked.

As a child I went to the church every service from age 0 to 18, Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, vacation Bible school, Revivals, Sing a longs, building painting, landscaping, mowings; until I became 18 and joined the USMC to get away from it all. I have not been back into a church for over 45 years. At age 14 I got a Crushman scooter and it did not take me long to see that the Elder and Deacons vehicles were parked behind the local watering hole the day before services.

I think what disrupted me the most was the "church ladies" that insisted I fit their mold, like a 40 member Christan Church on Sunday night wanted me to be the usher (as if an usher was needed) for such a small group of people in a church that seated 256 people. I think you might understand my distaste by now for organized religion. I can go into the woods and feel closter to GOD now with the trees than with the organized people.

At age 18 I joined the USMC and went to Viet Nam (to protect the home land as I was told by older men), during a tour and 2 extensions, 26 months; absolutely no cards or letters came from my church or its fine Christans; when I came home I was spit on and called a "baby killer".

I have taken human life in a combat zone, one by biteing out his throat; that is behind me now but will never be behind my mind, why I have not climbed a tower with a high powered rifle I do not know, I am thankfull I cannot do it now. I guess I am not ready for suicide.

Parents, I am not your child but you must realize that children are 3 to 5 times more allert to your actions than you think, if you critize them in public, you might as well rub manure in their face. If you wet your finger in your mouth to attend to a smudge on their face, you are putting your spit on their face.

Somewhere between the age of 3 to 5, human beings realize that all human beings deserve respect, those who do not get it wind up in prison, those who get it, wind up in high positions of acceptance and become addition to the better life.

-- mitch hearn (moopups@citlink.net), November 21, 2001.

Mitch, your advice to parents to be aware of how they approach their children with correction/discipline, praise, etc. is a good one. I would like to offer that although one comes from a background such as yours, mine and probably others on the forum as well, bad parenting alone does not predestine a child to become a person who cannot cope, or one who has trouble coping. It is a culmination of all of the adults one comes into contact with in childhood. I was fortunate to meet up with alot of remarkable adults in my teen years who showed me that I was a very worthwhile person and my parents were flawed folks who were to be pitied. I am so thankful to those folks. So, it isn't only your own children who need your comfort, support and praise..it is ALL children whom we may come in contact with..you just never know how wonderful a simple smile can be to such a child. Mitch, I am so sorry that religion failed you and hope that as an adult you can see clearly that God loves you beyond belief, as He does me (warts and all LOL)..God bless.

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), November 21, 2001.

I got to thinking about the answers on here so far and seemed to get the idea that we have all learned from our parents what NOT to do. I can say the same thing, as my parents, like everyone's parents, made many mistakes. I swore I would never marry a preacher because I knew first hand what it was like to be the preacher's kid. I didn't want to put my own children through that. The church had a double standard, you see; everybody went to the movies, but not the preacher's kid. I accidently "cheated" during reading class in the third grade (I had no idea that what I was doing was forbidden, since I saw the teacher's pet doing the same thing) and the teacher yelled (quite literally), "Cathy, cheating? And you're a preacher's kid!!!" As a teenager, I really longed to "cut loose". Some friend would suggest doing something, and someone else would say, "Oh, she can't do that; she's a preacher's kid." I wanted to know, how come the deacons' kids and the Sunday school teachers' kids and all the other church kids could do all these things, but not me? Why did I have to be in church every time the doors were open, but not them? Why did I have to sit with my mom while all the other kids sat all over the church (especially the back row)? And on and on.

The other thing about being the preacher's kid was that some people took the opposite view: the preacher's kids are brats. Now, that was a role I wouldn't have minded playing up to! I purposely hung out with the worst, most foul-mouthed kids in school. I learned to swear, tell filthy jokes, etc. I had an "experienced" boyfriend and was ready to share "experiences" with him. But this part of my life had to be kept secret from my dad, so I never took the chance of getting pregnant. I loved my dad too much to hurt him or his ministry.

So here's what I learned from my childhood that would help parents, and I think especially dads. My dad had time for ME. As a pastor, he scheduled his week so as to take Mondays off. But if I had a day off from school that wasn't Monday, he would rearrange his week's schedule so that his day off was the same as mine. He was the only dad at my piano recital. When he was home, he was not preoccupied; we had his attention. Every Monday night was set aside so we could watch "Little House on the Prairie" together. Even when I thought I was too old for that, I wouldn't break our "date". When the creep down the road asked me out, my dad took me to Pittsburgh for the day so I would have a legitimate excuse not to go out with him. (He also protected me when the same creep started stalking me.) I was my dad's "right-hand-man" doing yard work, cutting wood, painting the house, etc. I did the absolute best job I could just to hear him say what a good job I did. My dad tolerated no nonsense, and I knew he meant every word he said. He was strict with me, but although I gave him a hard time about things like curfew and my choice of music, he earned my respect by spelling love T-I-M-E.

I really did fulfill my vow not to marry a preacher. I think I had to experience being in a church where I was not part of the pastor's family so I could see church life from a different perspective. A little over a year ago, Tom became the pastor of a Baptist church. I'm watching for any signs of resentment in my children, but I think if Tom and I give them our time, our affection, and our prayers, they'll survive being preacher's kids.

-- Cathy N. (keeper8@attcanada.ca), November 23, 2001.

I've given this a lot of thought as it's very difficult for me to write. My mother was probably the meanest, most evil person I ever met. Because my sister and I were not ever loved as children deserve to be loved, we both had very unhappy lives. At some point in my life, I realized that, if I wanted to have a good life, I had to remember how my mother was and do the opposite. My advice is to love your children unconditionally. Never compare them. Give them firm boundaries. Respect them and teach them to respect themselves. As for my mother, she died last year and I have yet to mourn her. My sister is a survivor although I'd call her one of the many "walking wounded".

-- Ardie (ardie54965@hotmail.com), November 24, 2001.

I learned to do the best I can with what I have. My parents only mistake as far as I am concerned was not enough praise, which I learned to find from someone else that I respected, and not hug enough. Remember as you raise your children that it is the most important job you will ever do and how you raise them is how they will be.

-- Tom (Calfarm@msn.com), November 26, 2001.