My friends and family are pushing me to get out more and date. First, yes I am scared, it's been over 7 years since I went out on a date and the last relationship I had over 7 years ago ended with me pregnate and beat up in the emergency room. I do not wish to repeat!!I know all men aren't the same but it is hard to trust. Second, where is "out" any way. I go to church Sunday and Wednesdays,bible study on Tuesdays. I go to every free community event and most sporting events with my son. I will never,NEVER, go to the bar, and I do go to Wal-Mart once a month. I live in a small rural community and everyone is very quick to point out that I don't go any where , but no one will tell me where to go! Now they are trying to tell me to go to the online personals. I have gone and browed through and this is very scarry. Who know's if these people are telling the truth.!If you live in a small community, tell me where do you go?What do you do? There are few guys I would love to go out with at church but one told me I scared him, because I was independent and didn't need help.I can't play dumb and will not stup that low.Any suggestions or should I settle in and get used to the idea of growing old alone?

-- Micheale from SE Kansas (mbfrye@totelcsi.net), November 08, 2001

Answers

See about taking a friend on a Sierra Club hike or outting. As you said, no bars and NO ONLINE PERSONALS. The one guy obviously is a jerk, no matter how much you like him. You probably need to find activities outside of you community, if it is worth the time investment. It might be best to pray about meeting your life mate. You might find "him" at a later age, when the men in your age range have had a chance to mature some. Good luck.

-- rick K (rick_122@hotmail.com), November 08, 2001.

Pray and wait on the Lord. I know this sounds trite, but it works. After looking over the "men" at two different Christian colleges, I decided there wasn't anybody out there for me at all. There certainly weren't any in the church I grew up in. After playing the dating game in college (and ending up emotionally hurt in the process), I began to pray earnestly that the Lord would bring the right person into my life. I was through looking, myself. I wrote a list of seven things I wanted in a husband, including important things like commitment to the Lord, and not so important things like a beard and blue eyes. I remember praying about this one Sunday afternoon while walking to the house of some friends seven miles away. When I walked in the door, hot and sweaty, the first person I saw was Tom, who was visiting there. Immediately, my mind said, "NO, Lord, NOT HIM!" Later I found out that HIS thought was, "Wow, she just walked seven miles! What legs!"

A year later, the Lord impressed on my mind the need to go home to live with my parents; that He would bring to me the man I was to marry. This meant dropping out of college, which my parents did not understand AT ALL. About a week after I came home, those same friends I had visited the year before came to visit me to find out why I was quitting college. They had heard rumours and wanted the truth straight from me. When I told them, they said they knew someone who was looking for a wife. Right away I knew they meant Tom; I said, "I don't think so." They said Tom was coming to the work day we were having at our church camp, and encouraged me to talk to him and just feel things out. I made no such promise, but when I saw him, OH MY. He had grown a beard, and boy, did he look GOOD! The problem was, I was NOT going to chase him, and he had been burned in relationships prior to this and was NOT about to pursue me!

So these dear friends sort of pushed us together by arranging to take me places where he was sure to be (I should mention that we did not attend the same church; in fact, we lived about an hour apart in two different states). It wasn't long before they convinced him to call me and gave him my phone number. We had our first date in June and were married that Thanksgiving. As I was packing my things one day, I came across that list I had made. I had totally forgotten about it, but as I read it through I realized that God had given me everything I had asked for, in Tom. We have had 15 joyful years together, and will always thank the Lord for that couple who, incidently, had to put up with some not so very friendly accusations of playing matchmaker.

Micheale, your boy deserves the best dad possible; keep praying and let God pick him out. You'll probably be as surprised as I was at how He does it.

God bless!!

-- Cathy N. (keeper8@attcanada.ca), November 08, 2001.

I live in a rural community too and I can understand what you are saying. The only thing I wonder about is the bars you mentioned. Out here the bars are the meeting place for all ages. They are family oriented in that I could bring my granddaughter in them and not worry abut the language. Everyone knows one another (Heck they're all related!) I met my DH at a city bar. When I did I also had a list of what I wanted in a man and, if I didn't find one, that was all right too! What I'm saying is that a woman's attitude will attract the right kind of man whether it be in a bar or a church function! Go to every social function you can get to and check out the bars too. You might meet some very nice people there who have a son or nephew or an uncle.

-- Ardie/WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), November 08, 2001.

I met my fiance on-line, and we have been together for 5 years now. However, we did not meet through the personal ads. We both were posting on one of the AOL forums about our favorite author, and discovered that we lived in the same area. We exchanged emails for a few months before finally meeting in person at a bookstore. We went book shopping together several times before going out on a "real" date. I think that it was love at first sight for both of us, but we were careful to let the friendship develop first before the romance.

Do any of the churches in your area have a singles group or a Parents without Partners group? If not, maybe you could start one.

-- Sherri C (CeltiaSkye@aol.com), November 08, 2001.

Try a health club! or a class about things you are interested in, many communities offer low-cost or free classes in things like photography, cooking, etc... Put the word out to friends, they know you best and might just have a cousin, or friend who would be perfect for you!

-- Melissa (me@home.net), November 08, 2001.

I was in the same position as you long time ago. I had a good paying career and owned a business with property. I married a creep and 6 months later I was pregnant, barefoot, broke and beat up, stupid me, I didn't leave until the next time I was pregnant.

It took a long time to heal. God had a lot of work to do in me. One big issue I had to deal with is why I would be attracted to an abusive relationship and to remove my weirdo magnet that attracted these creeps. Family and friends were always finding some guy for me that was nice, but usually they were fixer-uppers. I did not date for several years. I spent that time in fellowship with Jesus. I enjoyed being the head of my household. I was at a point in my life that I was so thankful for the husbands that were not mine! There are a lot of jerks out there, even in the churches!

One February day during prayer, God told me it was time to remarry. Three weeks later, a young man moved into our pastor's house and began attending our church. Okay, I ran the radar over him, decided he was too young, too inexperienced in real life and not my type. I ignored him. Then in April, he asked me to join him at a home study group. I lived way out of town, so I would drive in and pick him up and we would attend a couple of different meetings a week. Afterward, we would park in front of the pastor's house and talk for hours with my daughter in the back seat.

For Mother's Day, he invited us on a picnic at Seeley Lake. We talked way past the beautiful sunset. We talked while watching a turtle climb onto shore, dig a hole and start laying eggs. The otters were coming out of the river and swimming along the shore waiting for the turtle to finish. The ground squirrels or "Whistle Pigs" were letting their entire neighborhood know there was "free food at table 27."

By June, we were spending every Sunday afternoon after church in the park. We still had Wednesday evening service and one home study group a week. He told me he liked having me for his friend because hanging out with me kept all the single women in the church from trying to glom on him because he wasn't interested in them as he was going to stay single. Okay, he was clueless, but God told me it was better that way.

In July, he invited me to attend Muirud Bible Camp in Hungry Horse. We stayed in the girls' dormatory and he stayed in young men's dormatory. We held hands for the first time when Pastor Muirud instucted us to all hold hands. A rocket ship took off in my heart! This was God's Love! My daughter was totally stuck on this guy, too.

When we got home in August, I asked him where it was going because I did not my daughter hurt by a broken attachement.(me )neither He told me if it was what God wanted that he was going to marry me. That was the night of our first kiss goodbye.

A week later, I had no make-up on, my hair was not done, the sink was filled with dirty dishes, toys were strung everywhere....he shows up after working all day digging ditches, smelling halfway to billy goat. He got down on one knee and formally proposed. Yeah, I cried.

The plan was to have a looooong engagement. We got married 2 weeks later in the Pastor's office before church with my daughter in his arms. After church, we went to breakfast and he asked each of my girls if he could be their Daddy and they would be his daughters and he gave them each a silver ring like our gold bands.

Okay, the story is long, but it is true and my point is to wait for what God has chosen for you. He can see into the hearts of men and He truly wants to give us His best! Why settle for anything less? Unless God has called you to be married, don't bother looking, you are better off single than getting entangled with Mr. Wrong or Mr. Mediocre or Mr. Idiot. Wasting time on the wrong guys can cost you God's perfect choice for your life.

Until then, enjoy being single, enjoy your son and enjoy your own time with the Lord.

-- Laura (LadybugWrangler@hotmail.com), November 08, 2001.

Ardie, yo are so funny! You live in Wisconsin, of course life centers around food and beer! Its that German culture thing. Kansas is a whole nuther culture. When I was in Kansas, only dedicated serious drinkers went to bars.

-- Just Duckie (Duck@spazmail.com), November 08, 2001.

oh please, please, please, do NOT go "looking" for a mate.....the best advice I could ever give anyone is to do what YOU like to do and leave the rest alone.....For instance, folks who "do" things because someone told them that's where all the single guys are, will usually find all the men who are just there looking for a date, nothing more.......If you like to go horsebackriding, get a group together and GO....if you like to cook/bake....start a group of learners in your area...if you like to sing, join a choir or a community theater, etc. etc....point is, if a single person is out there enjoying herself, then if somebody special comes along, cool..if not, well that's cool too because you are truly doing things that you enjoy anyway! Nothing is more attractive to the opposite sex than a person who is seen enjoying being themselves! God bless and keep away from the whackos!

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), November 08, 2001.

Just Duckie, I've lived in Wisconsin all my life and I am not German! We do much more than drink beer and eat! Laura, I like your attitude! You're very right. Why waste your time with no-accounts! Like I said, I think that a womans attitude has a lot to do with the kind of men she attracts. You were ready for a good decent man and the trashy ones knew enough to run as you were not about to settle for that.

-- Ardie/WI (Ardie54965@hotmail.com), November 08, 2001.

Micheale, I was very single just 9 months ago and now I'm married since July. It was love at first site for both of us. Like Sherri I meet him online through differnt chat lines, not personals. Be very careful talk alot and meet in very busy places. I hated the dating scene but when we finally met is was love at first site we have lots in common but things that we are still learning about each other, my mom says she is still learning my dad and they have been married 34 years!!!

Don't give up!!! If you try the internetrealize it's probably not the first one you talk to. I talked to several meaning 10 or more before finding mister right Sandy

-- Sandy(N.E.FL.) (REDNECKGIRL32@prodigy.net), November 08, 2001.

Just Duckie, I feel your comment about German people was inappropriate. I am German and I do not drink alcohol and it is a personal choice. I can safely guess that Ardie is not German and lives near Green Bay which is a melting pot of nationalities. Please don't generalize like that. I agree with everyones ideas about meeting the right type of men. "Going looking" for one is usually a disaster! Being a strong independent woman attracts strong independent men.And who wants less than that!

-- Rachel (WI) (ranospam@yahoo.com), November 08, 2001.

Micheale, if you don't feel ready, don't let anyone make you feel like you should be dating or looking for a man. If someone says you should, just tell them that you're very happy as you are. Certainly don't play dumb and helpless just to find a man! How demeaning that would be!! I don't think growing old alone is such a bad thing, if you're prepared for it. My husband is older than me and I fully expect to spend my old age alone, in a little house or cottage somewhere, gardening and puttering around and doing what I love. If a man is threatened by an independant woman, he's not the kind of man you need, he's the kind who wants his woman under his control and begging for praise and goodies all the time. if you are meant to have a man, your Father in Heaven knows it, and he has your man picked out for you already. Just trust that whatever is meant to be will be, and don't go hunting around, because women who have been abused tend to inadvertantly choose another jerk and abuser. You have good reason to be cautious and should trust your gut feeling.

-- Rebekah (daniel1@itss.net), November 08, 2001.

I want to think everyone for sharing beautiful life stories with me! And your right. I know God has someone picked out for me and I need to be patient,but I get tired of being pushed by so many people! I am a strong, independent, God fearing woman and I won't settle for anything less than a strong, independent, God fearing man!! Thank you for reminding me -God's will-not Micheale's!(By the way I've had some email on how I pronounce my name-Michelle-just spelled different)And again thank you for sharing your personal lives with me! God Bless

-- Micheale from SE Kansas (mbfrye@totelcsi.net), November 08, 2001.

Micheale, Been there and still there! (LOL) Are you ready to Date or is it everyone else who is wanting you to go out and date? If you are not ready just hang out until you are ready.

If you are interested in meeting a Church going Gentleman I would think the church would be a good place to start. Maybe you could visit some other local Churches and meet some different guys or at least some new friends.

I have tried some On-Line Personal Ad and have met and dated a few nice Gals but not found anyone that I was interested for a longterm relationship. Of course you must be careful when going out with some one new where ever you met them. I guess me being a Man our problems may be different in this asspect, but even Guys must use caution.

I often go to Auctions, Flea Markets and Yard Sales because I enjoy them and I never know I might meet someone thee with simaler intrest.

I have been known to stop at a few Local Watering Holes on occasion and have dated Woman that I have met there and find the odds of meeting the "Right One" are the same there as any place else. If you don't enjoy Bars this would deffintly not be the place to go. I go out on some Saturday niights to a local Club and do some Dancing, I always have fun wether I meet someone special or not.

Just go out and visit or hang out at places or activities yo enjoy and the "Right One" will come along eventually come around. At least that is what my friends & Family tell me! GOOD LUCK

-- Mark in N.C. Fla. (deadgoatman@webtv.net), November 08, 2001.

Micheale~ I read your posts all the time and am really impressed with your "down to earth" attitude and faith in God. DO NOT let anyone pressure you into doing something for them. Just continue to lean on God. In the same vein, don't run when God gives you an answer. My husband and I had been friends for over a year. I went to his home church with him where he was leading music and sang a special. We spent the drive down there and back visiting more than we ever had. By the next day, we were seeing each other and serious. Well, by the weekend, I had cold feet. My mom came to see me and tell me that I needed to pray about it. If Glen was from God I had better not say "No Thanks!". Well, I did and she was right. I had always thought he was a great friend, but not the kind of guy I dated! Fortunately, I realized I needed to marry a friend, not a date. I pray for you that you will find your perfect mate in Christ. This also reminds me to keep praying for my boys(13,9&7), that God would be preparing them and their future wives to be Godly people.

-- Ivy in NW AR (balch84@cox-internet.com), November 08, 2001.

I guess this may be controversial but I met my husband through an online personal ad that I placed. We only lived 20 miles apart and we would have never met if not for the internet. We emailed for about 2 weeks, we then talked on the phone for about 2 weeks, and then we finally met for lunch. We dated for a year and then got married. We have been together for 3 wonderful years now. Best of luck to you. I also came from an abusive relationship and had a child from it.

*hugs* and email me if you want/need any support.

-- Primitive Passion (oldquiltlover@hotmail.com), November 09, 2001.