Why woman should go to war (Jokes)

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Take all American women who are within five years of menopause - train us for a few weeks, outfit us with automatic weapons, grenades, gas masks, moisturizer with SPF15, Prozac, hormones, chocolate, and canned tuna - drop us (parachuted, preferably) across the landscape of Afghanistan, and let us do what comes naturally.

Think about it. Our anger quotient alone, even when doing standard stuff like grocery shopping and paying bills, is formidable enough to make even armed men in turbans tremble.

We've had our children, we would gladly suffer or die to protect them and their future. We'd like to get away from our husbands, if they haven't left already. And for those of us who are single, the prospect of finding a good man with whom to share life is about as likely as being struck by lightning. We have nothing to lose.

We've survived the water diet, the protein diet, the carbohydrate diet, and the grapefruit diet in gyms and saunas across America and never lost a pound. We can easily survive months in the hostile terrain of Afghanistan with no food at all!

We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem.

Uniting all the warring tribes of Afghanistan in a new government? Oh, please ... we've planned the seating arrangements for in-laws and extended families at Thanksgiving dinners for years ... we understand tribal warfare.

Between us, we've divorced enough husbands to know every trick there is for how they hide, launder, or cover up bank accounts and money sources. We know how to find that money and we know how to seize it ... with or without the government's help!

Let us go and fight. The Taliban hates women. Imagine their terror as we crawl like ants with hot-flashes over their godforsaken terrain.

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), October 26, 2001


Response to Why woman should go to war

They would probably give up quick, at just the thought of American women over there! :)!

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war


Interesting post.

You say that the Taliban hates women. Well after reading your post it is obvious you don't like men very much. That puts you on the same level as the Taliban. Hate is hate, no matter what the reason.

If this was intended to be a joke well and good, but I for one did not appreciate the men bashing. Getting a little weary of that all the time. I can take it but, I am sooo tired of it.

You paint an interesting, and sometimes accurate picture of men, but your descriptions of women is right on the money. Couldn't have said it better myself. Thanks for your insights.

Talk to you later.

-- Bob in WI (bjwick@hotmail.com), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

Lighten up, Bob. I don't consider the post to be male bashing - it's a joke for crying out loud! Goodness you're touchy. Is it your time of the month or something? Need some chocolate?

Good post, Patty!

-- Cheryl in KS (cherylmccoy@rocketmail.com), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

Absolutely halarious! I needed a good laugh. Thanks for this post. THe title scared me at first, but I am glad I checked it out.

-- Tiffani (cappello@alltel.net), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

Very funny, Patty. I forwarded this to a couple of my divorced friends (females!), and they loved it too.

-- Elizabeth (ekfla@aol.com), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

Good one Patty!!! I did not see it as "male bashing AT All", if anything it is "self-depreciating" to women, NOT men, for pitie's sake!!!

As a menopausal woman, I understand completely :-).

-- Annie Miller in SE OH (annie@1st.net), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

You go girl !!!! Way to go !!!

Hey can my ex go with you?


-- gene ward (gward34847@aol.com), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

Canned tuna? Soldiers have to be ready on a moments notice... impossible for a woman. There is coordinating their outfit, the gas mask wouldn't match their shoes, wrong shade of green for the grenades, makeup, calling their friends, does my ass look fat in the camo pants?.... war would be over by then. :)

-- Jake (Jake@home.com), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

BOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow.... you sure are being quick to judge othes, man, poor Patty. I read this on a few of the goat lists and chuckled when I read it, but then Bob, it was geared for women and what we have to endure. Guess you wouldn't get it since you are a man and last thing i knew men don't have PMS or menopause. Geeze..... unless there are exceptions. go find some chocolate and indulge!

-- Bernice (geminigoats@yahoo.com), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

war? what war? did I miss something?

-- thomas (facthomasp@usao.edu), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

Jake, that's the wrong age group. You are talking about younger women. Those of us within 5 year of menopause LOVE mismatched clothes, even socks, and don't care HOW big our ass is when we are out to kick someone else's.

Thanks Patty!

-- Just Duckie (Duck@spazmail.com), October 26, 2001.

Response to Why woman should go to war

I got this as an email forward from a female friend. She'd gotten it from a female friend of hers who'd sent it with the subject line, "Sounds like us." I've shared it with both male and female friends. I laughed out loud at some parts and took offense at none. Maybe it's my "feminine side" coming out. ;o)

-- Gary in Indiana (gk6854@aol.com), October 26, 2001.

I got this from a friend a few days ago and I'm still laughing about it! My DH also thought it was hilarious!

It's sad to see a few male egos so fragile that they took offense at this joke when, clearly, none was intended.

-- Carol - in Virginia (carollm@rockbridge.net), October 27, 2001.

The forum needs a good joke every once in a while to keep us laughing, it keeps us reading the forum with good humor as we need it all the time.KEEP them coming and if you do not care for them, pass them over and grin with laughter with your own remarks to yourself. Love them all male and female jokes.

-- Mary (marwel@microserve.net), October 27, 2001.

Patty, I don't really understand it, coz THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH ME, DO YA HEAR, DO YA HEAR, DO YA HEAR????? Honestly, I laughed my don-give-a-damn-if-it-matches-my-boots arse off. Just the needed reality dose. Poor Bob, it sounds like his vitamen "P" & vitamen "X" dosages are off just a tad. Other than that, it's a great idea, just don't forget the chocolate...

-- K-K-K-Katie (yarnspinnerkt@aol.com), October 27, 2001.

cute, but funniest of all was Bob...........now that guy has got a sense of humor!!! ;>)

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), October 27, 2001.

Sign me up!! But first, I've got to get the chicken house cleaned out and the feed mixed. But after that, I'm ready to go.. Thanks for the laughs! Jan

-- Jan in CO (Janice12@aol.com), October 27, 2001.

I'm sweating just thinking what this goup would be like when they came home "winners". :>)

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair67@yahoo.com), October 27, 2001.

Patty, this was great! Maybe we women will find it a bit funnier than our men will, though. On a more serious note, I started thinking once I turned 40 (5 years ago), that us "old broads" should be trained for some sort of "Home Guard". We're still physically strong, our kids are grown, and once a month we become meaner than snakes! The thought of an enemy coming in, threatening the homes we've cared for for years and scaring our kids and grandkids should drive most of us to a murderous rage. When we have finished dealing with those so misguided to have challenged us on our own turf there probably would not be a sign of war because we would have taken care of the problem and cleaned everything up before we went to bed! I think we just need a bit of training in some of the military firearms! Might be hard for our husbands to sleep, though.

-- Ann K (ann1956ann@hotmail.com), October 27, 2001.

Patty I can see why your husband spends time in bars.Do you think if you had a gun in hand that you could get you a man in Afghanistan?

You said "We've spent years tracking down our husbands or lovers in bars, hardware stores, or sporting events...finding bin Laden in some cave will be no problem." so you have a lover and an husband. Is your lover male or female? People you need to look at what she said I think she is asking for help someone help her keep her husband. I would help her, but im not good at helping people, but I do feel sory for her.

-- bin jr (bin@laden.com), October 28, 2001.

Hey, junior, you just can't stop proving your ignorance and stupidity, can you? Patty didn't write it -- she just passed it on. This has been circulating on the 'Net for a couple of weeks now. Better come out of your cave a little more often!

-- zip (zipzip@zip.com), October 28, 2001.

Jeez... would somebody please change bin jr's diaper? He's getting cranky!

-- Cheryl in KS (cherylmccoy@rocketmail.com), October 28, 2001.

Bin, I can now see {like suggested in another thread} why you type with 1 hand , no one else would want you .Yep I could get as many men as I wanted with a gun in Afganistan. I'm a good shot !I would shoot every slimmy scumbag terrorist I found . And thanks for the compliment.To think I could handle 4 kids , a farm , a buisness , household , husband and a lover .Hell I must be superwoman !As for what sex I prefer, if you must know it's male and a real man unlike you .Everyone else did read what I wrote and laughed .You are the only idiot who didn't get the joke .But as usual the jokes on you .I also don't need you feeling sorry for me .You need to focus all your energy on your therapy with your shrink .And please try to remember to take your med's.

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), October 28, 2001.

You'd never see *me* surrender to a group of women like that!

Run like Hell, yes. Surrendering, no.

I'd probably whack Bin Jr. in the foot with a rifle butt first so to be sure he'd be slower and while they're whacking him apart with cleavers I could make my escape.


-- Live Oak (oneliveoak@yahoo.com), October 29, 2001.

Patty and all, After I got up from off the floor from laughing so hard I must admit that I never thought of PMS or women in that light but you are sooooo right give up PMS and menopause and look out bin. A cave wouldn't be big enough for us both. Patty you forgot to mention the winter weather in NYS that's enough to get anyone going. NYS winters plus everything else you mentioned does make you superwomen.

Thanks for the laugh I needed one at this point. Sally

-- sally stanton (mallardhen67@hotmail.com), October 30, 2001.

Patty, I believe my wife and mother-in-law would make top ranked Generals in this kind of army!

-- r.h. in okla. (rhays@sstelco.com), October 31, 2001.

Prune the Oak.

This IS a stupid subject matter.

-- DF (Noemail@this.time), October 31, 2001.

DF get a sense of humor .

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), November 01, 2001.

what would us guys do without the female existance? so cute and amusing,this is serious stuff,maby youall got a point there though.

-- jim raimondi (jraimondisr@msn.com), November 10, 2001.

haha the reason women can't go to war is the same exact reason why a women could never be a president of the US it's because they couldn't handle the pressure they wouldn't know what to do if there was an attack they'd try baking cookies or a cake for the enemy just to get them to stop the fighting no really they'd break down and cry not knowing what to do just like a lady sitting infront of the tv watching oprah.

-- Derrick (derr@mofos.net), March 12, 2002.

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