Marriage was much on our minds this week-end. We have some people in our lives who are having struggles with their marriages. I know many here have been at this a long time. I thought we could start a thread to help newly married couples or people who just don't have peace in their marriges with some thoughtful advice.

One of the best things we do in our marriage is not to NAG one another. The way I look at it is, my husband is a grown-up and he doesn't need me to tell him what to do. Left to his own devices, he takes care of everything that must be accomplished, as I do. We don't tell each other what chores need to be accomplished or complain continually on what the other has or hasn't done. Makes life much more peaceful!

We never volunteer each other for outside jobs. If someone wants him to do something, they ask him and the same for me. I don't say that he will do something without asking him first.

We treat each others friends with kindness. He often has friends for coffee, hunting expeditions, etc... I am always kind and try to be a hospitable person. He does like-wise for me.

Several years back, we had a health scare with Cale tht turned out to be minor, but could have been big. I was so afraid that I would lose him. That day I looked at his face and made a life decision that I was never going to fight with that man again! And I haven't. I just chose not to argue and cause problems. Things said in the heat of a disagreement are impossible to take back. I have found that by choosing the time wisely and speaking in a kind and respectful way, many things we don't agree on are worked out in a smooth way. There really aren't many things we disagree about, but sometimes I might feel a little differently than he does about an issue. We are able to work out these issues without tearing each other down.

-- Melissa (cmnorris@1st.net), October 22, 2001

Answers

Everything can be worked out if you are polite to one another. Make a ground rule that there will be no name calling, no nasty talk, no cursing.

We have found that where we have had a volatile issue that made us both mad very quick--that we agreed to hold hands through the discussion and pray before discussing it (holding hands while praying).

Do you know that we were able to work something out that had been a very difficult sticking point in our marriage? It works!!!

I have heard that it is impossible to fight while naked.

Put your marriage first--before any other relationships except God.

Put God first in your life, and pray about where you are going. You will need him.

Make time for yourselves away from children (we used to walk our dog once a day). This helped during one particularly difficult teenage period.

The most important thing you can give your children is the example of a loving committed marriage--this is more important than any monetary things you could provide.

Speaking of being committed--be fully committed--mind, body and soul. Give up old relationships, old boy and girl friends. Give up any impression that would make someone think you are not committed to your spouse. Innocent lunches are often the spawn of adultery.

-- Ann Markson (tngreenacres@hotmail.com), October 22, 2001.

We've been married almost 23 years and it hasn't always been easy. One of our habits is to always be polite to each other, but we really laugh a lot together. He has a great sense of the ridiculous and my humor tends to be off the wall. We've made it a rule that nothing and no one comes between us. We're united and, if someone ever tries to make trouble for us, they are out of our lives completely and that includes members of the family.

-- Ardie from WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), October 22, 2001.

Thanks for all the great tips since we are newly married I will rememeber them.One of our agreements is to NEVER go to bed mad or even remotely go to bed angry at each other. We talk about everything. My one thing I'll work on harder is not volunteering him to my parents without asking him first!!

Ann,I'll remember to tell Mike we have to fight with no clothes on since that will most defiantly add laughter to our disagreement!!!! Can't wait to here tips from ya'll on this subject!! Have gotten tons from my parents,they have beeen married 34 years!

-- Sandy(N.E.FL.) (REDNECKGIRL32@prodigy.net), October 22, 2001.

Although we certainly didn't think so at the time, our first year of marriage was a blessing because it was so terrible. We barely had enough money to live on, My husbands Dad was in the Gulf war, his brother was hospitalized with a collapsed lung, and so his mother came to live with us, in our very tiny apartment, and a close friend commited suicide, plus I had pre-eclampsia and was confined to bed for two months. I'm telling ya, after we survived that year there was no way we were ever going to argue about petty stuff like leaving the toothpaste cap off, or who was going to vaccuum. We discovered that anytime we did argue-there was something else going on-we were worried about some other big thing, so we've learned to step back and see whats really buggin' us. A good sense of humor s critical, I believe, as is politness, and respect for each other.

-- Kelly in Ky (ksaderholm@yahoo.com), October 22, 2001.

Never leave to go somewhere without a hug, a kiss, or saying "I love you". It's a crazy world out there and who knows what could happen. One of my friends was killed by a drunk driver while she was on her way to work in the morning. Her husband says that one of his greatest comforts is that the last words he said to her before she walked out the door that morning were "I love you".

-- Sherri C (CeltiaSkye@aol.com), October 22, 2001.

Kiyham (?sp) wrote in his poetry that "when people marry, they should drink wine together, but not out of the same cup". If all of one spouses' interests/hobbies/opinions revolve solely around the others, there is no room for each person to be themselves.So many young women especially, resent their husband doing any activity without them. The husband who has to put up with a pouting wife whenever he wants to go fishing with his friends does not have a mate who can amuse herself with her own interests while he is away from her. On the other hand, if a spouse spends more time with their friends than with their mate, they are saying something in a big way about their relationship. I feel the biggest factor is that folks remember who they married and why. We do not marry our in-laws, we do not marry our children, we do not marry our co-workers or our friends. Young people often do not realize that ALL of these other folks will pass in and out of our lives year in and year out. In-laws die or move away. Children grow up, marry and leave the home. Friends and co-workers come and go. The ONE person who will be the constant in your life is your spouse, "til death do you part". Your husband or wife should be second after God, not fifth or third, but in the #2 spot in your life. When two people make that vow to one another and do not lose sight of it, then they will triumph over all adversity within their family. My oldest son got married last January and asked me for some wisdom. I told both he and his bride that if each of them EVERY day, has the goal to please the other, their marriage cannot fail. Think about that for a minute, all you young married folks....if each couple strove daily to meet each others' needs how could there ever be any sustained arguing or ill feelings?

-- lesley (martchas@bellsouth.net), October 22, 2001.

My son just got married in July. I had a talk with him and his wife to be at the time. I told them the most important thing is going to be to learn to fight constructively!! You never fight when your angry, cool off then talk about it. Never say somthing you can't take back, it cuts to deep and dose not heal. Never run home to mom when your angry. You are old enough mom can't make it better only you can. And most important never raise a hand to one another at any time. Or you will have lost everything, respect, love and your best friend will never feel safe with you again. You fought with your folks and brothers and sisters growing up a husband and wife are no different. Happy Ever After is what you make it. It is earned not given.

-- Teresa (c3ranch@socket.net), October 22, 2001.

Don't tell secrets, embarrassing things he/she may have done. Don't belittle or talk down to her/him like she/he's a child, don't try to outdo/compete, and don't let the other win if he/she isn't winning. Praise his/her good points whenever you have the opportunity. Being right isn't always the most important thing, being quiet is often best. Pick your battles carefully. Sit quietly together and watch the sunset. Call him and leave a love message or put a note in his lunch. If he won't talk, give him a back rub. Hold each other while you cry. Live your lives together, you don't have to answer to relatives, or friends. Each of you have your own hobbies. Too much of each other can get old and boring.

Pray for each other and most importantly of all, ask God to help you to be the wife he needs you to be and for him to be the husband you need him to be.

-- Cindy (S.E.IN) (atilrthehony@countrylife.net), October 22, 2001.

I am not married, nor plan to be any time soon, but this year i have learned with one of my guy friends that COMMUNICATION is soo important. Sometimes i'll be tired or upset about something, and i'll just need this person to listen or hear whats going on. But if they don't, i feel neglected. The thing is , i didn't tell them , that i needed them to listen. Another thing i learned to, is that a lot of problems start, when pride gets in the way. Well so and so isn't being there for " ME" and i my feelings come first before the others persons. There is a lot of LOVING that needs to be done, and sometimes that means putting our feelings aside, so that we're not measuring the other persons perfection , by how they make us feel. Praying for each other is also vitally important and having God the center of your relationship.

-- jillian (sweetunes483@yahoo.com), October 22, 2001.

My DH and I are leaders of Home Builders, a home study ministry of Family Life Ministries. One of the first things we tell couples is that it can't be 50/50. Anytime you are doing that kind of thinking, you are evaluating whether your spouse is doing his/her part. It's got to be 100/100. And sometimes it's 10/90, depending on the ability of the spouse to cope. Husbands must love their wives as Christ loved the church, willing to give his life for her, the wife must honor the husband, in fact they must honor one another. I am so grieved when I hear someone tear down their spouse in public. And last, look upon your spouse as God's wonderful gift to you. If you view them in this way, you will cherish, not belittle or take advantage. It's not always easy, it's always an adventure. I love my husband so much more today, and we've been together 36 years.

-- melina b. (goatgalmjb1@hotmail.com), October 22, 2001.

Trust, love, communication, respect. Take away any of these and you don't have a marriage, you have a contract.

-- Tracy (trimmer31@hotmail.com), October 23, 2001.