Dildo Manufacturers Association: Nation Must Return To Normalcy, Purchase Dildos

CINCINNATI— With sales flagging since the Sept. 11 terrorist attacks, the Dildo Manufacturers Association made an appeal to Americans' sense of patriotism Monday, urging citizens to help the U.S. economy and the nation's dildo industry by purchasing the sex toys.

"Like so many industries, we have been hit hard by recent events," DMA spokesman Richard Grantham said.

"But the best way we can show Osama bin Laden our resolve is for all of us to get back out there and buy dildos like we did before all of this happened."

Grantham said that on Oct. 20, a 14-inch, red-white-and-blue "Star Spangled Rammer" dildo will go on sale at sex shops across the nation, with proceeds benefiting relief efforts.

http://www.theonion.com/

-- (Lurker22@somewhere.cold), October 13, 2001

Answers

Hmm...the onion huh.

So you're telling me that the Star Spangled Rammer is'nt really gonna be available?

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), October 13, 2001.

We can always start manufacturing them ourselves, Unk. If Boswell is still grounded, perhaps we can talk him into helping. I can hear the ad on the local cable access channel now: "...Yes, folks, just three payments of $19.95...Yes, you heard right! Just three payments of $19.95 and the Star Spangled Rammer is yours, along with -- absolutely free! -- the New England Apple-Flavored Joy Jelly. And if you call right now, we'll throw in this quart of cider with the pictures of DeeDee "Elephant Tits" LaCrosse on the back. Just call...

-- (Lurker22@somewhere.cold), October 13, 2001.

Just make sure it has three gears and runs on unleaded.

-- helen -- uh, not that I have ever even SEEN one, much less... (no@not.me), October 13, 2001.

"... the 14 inch, red, white, and blue Star Spangle Rammer..."

Have no fear, I'm still here.

/gb/

-- Greybear (greybear@worldemail.com), October 16, 2001.