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Friday, October 12, 2001
Modern American Gothic
Hark, What Be Yon Clanking Sound? Could it be Rudy Giuliani striding toward that hustling Saudi prince to return a 10 million dollar check the Saudi can put where the sun don't shine? What a refreshing gesture from the man everyone loved to hate until he got the chance to show at least some parts of his anatomy are made of steel.
Your Patriotic Duty: The anthrax hysteria surrounding the publishers of America's amusing tabloids is classic case of knowing nothing. The New York Times is far more poisonous to one's mental health than any supermarket tabloid. Most people who say they wouldn't read one never have in the first place. Pick one up. They are fun, relatively harmless (unless you are Bryant Gumbel or Bill Clinton) and Britney Spears has a really cute navel.
W Out-Hillary's Hillary: Snatching a cause she must be stabbing herself to have missed exploiting, President Bush asked every American child to send a dollar to a White House Afghan children's fund. Hopefully, this will unleash an enormous and cheap child labor force in your neighborhood this weekend while you stay home to duck our amorphous terrorist attack.
TV Note: Anyone know who we write to remove the scowling, rude and total nonproductive Helen Thomas from every presidential press conference? It's as though someone left a furious and untied bag of old laundry in the front row and no one wants to pick it up and toss it.
Eat a Little Crow, Scrape a Little Egg: The New York Times, after more than a year of telling us W is a bumbling, mumbling lightweight who stole an election, has suddenly discovered the man we knew he was all along and sees it as "new gravitas." We say it's the same old gravitas. No victory, no latte, you guys.
As Alert As It Gets: Saying they are on the highest alert status already, many city authorities are confused at the FBI warning to ratchet up security as well as every average American. While we try to figure out what they are talking about, the safest place to be this weekend is at home, at your computer, at Lucianne.com
Your Perpetually on The Highest Alert LComStaff
-- Anonymous, October 12, 2001