Weekly World News- Washington.-

Bat Boy has volunteered!In a bizarre turn of events, the half-bat, half-human mutant reportedly has joined the U.S. miitary-and is being trained to use his super-sensitive hearing, keen sense of smell and other unique talents to hunt down terrorist in the caves, holes, and hovels they hide in!

That's the startling claim of a Pentagon source who says the strange freak of nature scurruried onto an as-yet unidentified Marine base and begged to enlist in Americas' war on terrorism.

"He hopped a fence to get on the base and officers found him in tears, jabbering in broken English about wanting to fight for America", the source continues.

According to reports, Bat Boy, who has been on the run from authorities, including the FBI, since his dramatic escape from a Chicago hospital in September, learned of Americas' war against terrorism and was stirred to acton when he found a copy of last weeks issue of Weekly World News- with Osama Bin Laden on the cover.

"When the Marines found him, he was clutching a newspaper that had a photo of Osama Bin Laden with a snipers crosshairs over his face," reports the source. "He must found it on the road or in a parking lot because it had tire tracks on it. "I'm told that he held it up, pointed to the picture and said, "Bad man...lemme get him....bite him up."

The source admits even battle-tough Marines were taken aback when they first saw the pint-size youth. "In an official report, one veteran Marine captain was quoted as saying, "I drew my sidearm and aimed for his head- he was really spooky looking with those huge eyes, pointy ears, and sharp teeth. I knew who he was; I'd heard reports about how the FBI was looking for Bat Boy and he considered highly dangerous."

But as the little odd creature, speaking in broken English, talked about his sadness over terrorist attacks on America and his desire for bloody vengeance, the officer understood that he was genuine in his desire to enlist.

In the official report, the Marine captain continued: "He really wants to help America, and he showed off some some of his "special abilities" to prove he has what it takes to be a Marine. "While we were trying to decide how to handle him, he leapt straight up onto a ceiling fan and hung upside down from it for a second. Then he ripped it out of the ceiling and hopped onto a file cabinet more than fifteen feet away. He kind of squatted on top of it, pounding it in frustration.

"You could tell he had the strength and agility of a chimpanzee. I realized, "This little guy really might have something to offer.And I got right on the horn to the Pentagon."

Pentagon officials immediately alerted the FBI, but after high level discussions, the Justice Department agreed to release Bat Boy to Marine custody.

- Scotty Paul

-- Scotty Paul, (Weekly@world.News), October 08, 2001

Answers

Scotty Paul, you beat me to it. But there are other articles in the Batboy issue worth mentioning.

(1) "The Bigger Your Buns, the Higher Your IQ." This is based on a 5 year study by a top psychologist using volunteers, and also backed with impressive historical research. All manner of illustrious people throughout history had huge cans. For example, "John F. Kennedy wore specially tailored clothes to hide his big butt."

(2) The U.S. Government executed two ETs who were captured by the military when their spacecraft crash-landed in the New Mexico desert. The charge: spying.

(3) "Get any gal you want by listening to Barry Manilow". Tough choice there.

-- Peter Errington (petere7@starpower.net), October 08, 2001.

Holy homosexuality Batboy!

-- (Roland@hatemail.com), October 08, 2001.

Bat Boy aint no homo; he's all Marine. (And, I got a big butt, btw)

-- Scotty Paul (Weekly@World.News), October 08, 2001.

Well, heck! We've already won, then, if Bat Boy is getting involved!

Read this and tremble, TaliBOOM!

-- Stephen M. Poole (smpoole7@bellsouth.net), October 08, 2001.