Gays to Infiltrate Youth Soccer LINK

FAIRFIELD, CT -- The nation's gay people announced Wednesday that, after an exhaustive, 11-month search, they have decided on youth soccer as the focus of their new recruiting and mind-warping efforts. The decision to go with youth soccer fills the void left last year after the Supreme Court unexpectedly upheld the Boy Scouts of America's ban on gays.

"Losing the Boy Scouts really set us back, but I think soccer will be the perfect fit," stated gay spokesman, Ronnie LaPere. "The sport is increasingly popular among young people, and believe me, if we could make ourselves go on nature hikes and learn boating skills, then I'm sure we can handle soccer."

But as expected, not everyone was pleased with Wednesday's announcement as many parents expressed concern over having scores of homosexuals acting as youth soccer coaches, referees and even fans. "Listen, no single man should be following a soccer league for 10 to 12-year-olds. Period," explained Bob Taylor, straight father of two. "It's weird...like being a women's golf fan is weird."

Other parents worry that homosexuals, by nature, will make lousy coaches. "I have one, and one concern only, will my kid win a college scholarship?" asks Judith Minter, mother of one. "You answer me 'yes,' and I can overlook a lot of the queer diddling that comes with it. But the moment, they get inside my son's head and start telling him that it's just a game or 'the important thing is to have fun,' then we have problems."

But problems are nothing new to gays. Even the search to find a replacement for the Boy Scouts proved an ordeal as LaPere and his five-man search committee looked into everything from teaching gymnastics to running a 'Future Flight Attendants of Tomorrow' summer camp. "Yeah, that last one was a stretch," admitted LaPere, "but we were desperate. I mean, let's face it, the Boy Scouts have it all - ropes, knots, ghost stories, acres and acres of dark woods..."

In the end, youth soccer got the nod in part because teams are often coed, a point LaPere hopes will entice more lesbians to get involved in corrupting America's youth. "We have a chance for some real synergy here -- to create an all-inclusive, one-stop shop if you will. I think in the end, this whole thing will be seen as a blessing in disguise."

Then pausing for a moment of reflection, he added, "Not to mention, a potpourri of fleshy virgin ass."

-- Lars (lars@indy.net), September 05, 2001

Answers

It takes leather balls to play soccer

-- Lars (lars@indy.net), September 05, 2001.

It does not!

-- (Brandy Chastain@sports bra.bravura), September 05, 2001.

SIGN OF THE=TIMES!!!

-- al-d. (dogs@zianet.com), September 06, 2001.

Silliness but silliness humorously done. Worth the break.

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), September 06, 2001.

IMO, The Nat Lampoon runs a weak second to the Onion for satire.

-- Lars (lars@indy.net), September 06, 2001.

We have already infiltrated BSA. Now we are going for soccer booty. 4H will complete the coup.

-- (Coach Bob @ shower.room), September 06, 2001.

poor fags,nobody understands em.BARF

-- al-d. (dogs@zianet.com), September 06, 2001.

Soccer is a faggy sport anyway. Adding the newcomer faggot players won't change anything.

-- beat_it (b1tch@fahque.com), April 22, 2002.

What is wrong with you people I dont think you know this but there is a lot more gay people coaching then you know about, the people you think are not could very well be. For the lady who says she dont want a gay person telling her kids its just a game, well Duh it is. You people act like they are going to molest your kids right there on the field.It is as simple as not lettig your children be alone with anybody.

-- (lovesdolphinsandcj@webtv.net), May 28, 2002.

what good would come from this....i mean you'll be getting your own point across, but these children will hear their parents conversations about this topic and they'll grow up believing that "the gays" are the ones that caused all these troubles and what the parents don't like...the children don't like, it's just the way things work. if you want to get involved in the community, all the better to you, but make sure you're doing it for the right cause.

-- Jillian (hmm_meh@hotmail.com), September 24, 2002.