The Soviet propaganda ministry ordered 10 million condoms from an American manufacturer, all 16" long and 3" in diameter. The American manufacturer filled the order, sending the merchandise in boxes marked 'medium.'" >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> A woman was driving through the countryside late at night when her car broke down. Not knowing anything about cars, she started to walk. A mile down the road, she came to an old country farmhouse and knocked on the door until two young men came out.

"Kin we help ya, miss?"

"Yes, my car broke down about mile back. I wonder if you could drive me to the nearest town so I can get a tow truck?"

"Well, now, the town's all shut up right now and don't open back up until tomorrow mornin'. But ah'll tell ya what, miss, mah brother here an ah'll tow yer car over to the farmhouse and you kin spend the night here with us."

The woman thought, "Well, I really don't have a choice. Besides, I can handle myself," so she agreed.

After the two brothers towed her car back to the farmhouse, and they were getting ready for bed, the first one said, "Yah know, miss, we only got one bed in this here house, so ah'm afraid ya'll have ta sleep with us."

The woman thought about it, and consented. As they were taking their clothes off, the woman said, "By the way, you DO have protection, don't you?"

"Protection? What's that?"

"You know, condoms."

"Well, what're they for?"

"It's so I don't get pregnant."

"We're simple country folk, miss. Ah'm afraid we don't know about those things."

"Well, it just so happens that I have two here in my purse. Here, put them on."

"Hmm... well, all right."

The three of them got into bed and did their thing all night. The next morning, the brothers drove the woman into town, where she got her car repaired and drove off. About a month later, the two brothers were sitting out on their porch watching the sun set, when the first one said, "Hey, d'ya remember that lady that drove through here about a month ago?"

"Yep. She was real good, wasn't she."

"Yep. Say, do you care if she gets pregnant?"

"Nope."

"Well, then, let's take these durn things off!"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Dear Mr. Jones:

We noticed you've not picked up any condoms at SpiffyMart recently. (Your last purchase was 8 weeks ago.) Further, you have stopped buying feminine hygiene products, but have sharply increased your frozen pizza and dinners usage in the same time frame.

It's clear that Ms. Jody Sanders has dumped you. (It's probably for the best - we knew she was a loser from that cheap shampoo she buys.) We confirmed this with the Post Office database--yep, she filed a change of address.

We at Horny International offer our condolences. As the number-one vender of hot X-rated videos, we'd like to help you out in this time of stress. If you're feeling lonely, check out our catalog of both VHS and super 8 tapes.

Order now and we throw in an extra tape FREE!

Yours Truly;

Sleazy Jerk, Marketing Manager.

ps: That "blond" at O'Dougles last Saturday--you bought her 2nd Strawberry Martini? Forget it! She's on her third yeast infection in as many months, and is a 'regular' at Acme Pharmacy. (Her HMO computer gossips with ours.) You never know what else she might have. Our tapes are LOTS safer!..

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

-- bitchslapper (bitchslapper@kotex.com), August 25, 2001

Answers

Those were pretty funny, BS. That last one really got me to thinking about who knows what about us.

I have some friends who have something that's [I think] called 'Telinet'. It's some kindof 'hook-in' to the TV and recorder in the frontroom, and 'Telinet' controls the whole thing. By 'control', I mean that they can't use the VCR in the frontroom to pop in a copy of The Jackal. 'Telinet' does the recording, based on what it THINKS you enjoy.

Whenever they use that T.V., 'Telinet' does its thing and records shows that resemble the ones they chose. They had a seven-year old nephew spend a few days and came home from work to find cartoons on the recorder.

So, I'm thinking, "How much does the Cable company know about my viewing preferences?" Are they aware that I watch movies on a channel not included in our "package"? [I didn't even know that channel wasn't included until I asked SO why the reception was so poor.] Do they care? *I* don't. If the room is dark enough, and the movie good enough, I can see quite clearly through those lines.

What does Kroger do with my database information? I balked at getting one of those Kroger cards until they had some meat on sale that was $14.00 cheaper for those with the cards.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), August 25, 2001.

Anita, in all seriousness, dump cable. Remove the co-axil cable they installed in all areas of your house. I have to go to work now, and will explain later. PAY CASH at all stores so the items you purchase get logged to "unknown shopper" do not pay for any items when you pick up RX's, other then the RX. ( Profiling for data banks) Your friend, bitchslapper

-- bitchslapper (bitchslapper@kotex.com), August 25, 2001.

BS: Um...I still have NO clue who you are, but I assure you that the cable is NOT in my name and SO wants it for ESPN.

I pay cash for EVERYTHING, and I never get Rx WITH other items. I make the transactions separately. Heh. There WAS a time when my MOM'S prescriptions got charged to my Discover card, but that's since been rectified, and it was through a mail-order pharmacy.

I DO use the Kroger card, but their application form was REALLY innocuous. I think you can rest easy on this one. Actually, I do most of my grocery shopping at Albertson's, so Kroger probably thinks we only eat every third month.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), August 25, 2001.

Anita, glad to hear you're a savvy shopper. I received your message about 10 days ago, but due to schedule couldn't get here as you requested.

-- bitchslapper (bitchslapper@kotex.com), August 25, 2001.

BS: It's pretty clear to me that you picked my name out of a hat. At first I thought you might be either City or Maiden and had considered my post on TB2k an invite. Having read their stuff for a while, however, I don't believe EITHER of them would have responded the way you did to that poster on the Cockroach thread. The jig's up on this invite thing, but it makes no difference. No one needs a sponsor to come to this forum.

Now, I WOULD like to explore your statement on Cable. Are you suggesting that those who deploy cable can [maybe] SEE what you're doing while watching the ball game or a movie? If not, do you think that Outer Limits or The Twilight Zone has had an episode yet on the possibility?

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), August 27, 2001.