Help Me Understand : LUSENET : A Village Commons : One Thread

Hi folks:

Don't know where else to turn today so here I am - maybe someone out there has some way of helping me understand:

Yesterday, my hubby's mother suffered a massive brain stem stroke. She is elderly, but has, up to this stroke, been very active and alert and in fact, seemed years younger than she is.

Hubby is the oldest of 2 sons and has been very close to his mother. They spoke daily on the the phone and for all things, he was there for her.

What I can't get a grip on is this: he will not go to the hospital to see her. There has been major problems between the ex wife and such, and he absolutely refuses to go anywhere that she is.

I have tried and tried and tried to reason with him as have some of our closest friends as well as his son. He just won't even discuss it.

For god's sake, this is his mother. There is always the possiblity that even tho she has had this major stoke, that she is aware of who is in her room and who is not. I keep thinking what it would be like to be aware and knowing that the one son that has been so close to me all my life isn't there. How can he do this to her? Why?

Is it because he doesn't want to deal with the sight of his mother is this condition? Is it because he doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that his mother is very likely to not survive more than just a few hours or days? What - why - I just don't know and it is tearing my heart out - for Her and for Him. Not only will he not do this, he refuses to speak with any of the many folks who are phoning to see how his mother is - I don't know what to tell them; either about her condition or his refusal to speak with anyone.

This is just miserable.

-- Kari (, August 14, 2001


Oh, Kari, I am so sorry to hear this. What a rotten thing to have happen. If your husband has always been in strong control of his emotions, maybe since this happened so suddenly he feels he will break down and lose it completely if he goes to see her. It could be he thinks/feels that this would be worse for both of them than if he didn't go at all. And since we're all different, maybe it *is* right for him. Some people do not handle illness in others well. I had a great aunt who was severly criticised in the family because she did not visit her mother (also had a severe stroke and died from it), but she just couldn't do it. I feel really bad for your husband, having this happen like this. Perhaps if your m-i-l is granted more time, he'll be able to come to terms with it better and be able to see her. Please hang in there and take care of yourself as well--- you are in a pretty stressful situation being in the middle between things. Hope things resolve all right in the end for your husband.

I'll be thinking of you.

-- Jennifer L. (Northern NYS) (, August 14, 2001.

Oh Kari, how I hurt for you! I will say the same thing to you that I told a friend when her hubby was dying. His family hardly acknowledged either her or the situation. People do the strangest things when they are in a situation such as this. I've seen kind people act mean and mean people act kind. Your husband had to deal with this himself. He will also have to handle the ramifications in the future. May I suggest that you go and visit her. Spend a bit of time with her and tell her how much you love her. You aren't responsible for his behavior. Also, if anyone asks about her condition, tell them that she is doing as well as can be expected. I'll be thinking of you!

-- Ardie from WI (, August 14, 2001.

My Hubby had a hard time when his Mom was dieing of cancer.I think when you see it for your own eyes you have to accept it .By not going he can still think it is not true .I would go visit and let her know he loves her but is having a hard time dealing with things .As far as the ex , tell her to leave if you go to visit .

-- Patty {NY State} (, August 14, 2001.

I'm so sorry to hear all this. Others have given you good advice. I'll only ask, is there no way to arrange a time with his ex-wife that she WON'T BE THERE so that he won't feel intimidated by her presence from going? He may still not go, but its worth a try.

-- Sojourner (notime4@summer.spam), August 14, 2001.

From a man's point of view. Give him a little time and space. It's difficult to accept the "thought" of loss. I agree about trying to arrange a time with no ex. That may help him resolve to go visit.

Most likely he needs your support more than he'll say. I know I would.

-- Kenneth in N.C. (, August 15, 2001.

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