Lighten up! : LUSENET : A Village Commons : One Thread

Man, we've had some heavy duty topics right off the bat! Let's take a breather already! Time for the lighter side ...

Once upon a time there was a shepherd tending his sheep at the edge of a country road.  A brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee screeches to a halt next to him. The driver, a young man dressed in a Brioni suit, Cerrutti shoes, Ray-Ban glasses, Jovial Swiss wrist watch and a Bhs tie gets out and asks the shepherd: "If I guess how many sheep you have, will you give me one of them?"

The shepherd looks at the young man, then looks at the sprawling field of sheep and says: "Okay." The young man parks the SUV, connects his notebook and wireless modem, enters a NASA site, scans the ground using his GPS, opens a database and 60 Excel tables filled with algorithms, then prints a 150 page report on his high tech mini printer. He then turns to the shepherd and says:

"You have exactly 1,586 sheep here."

The shepherd answers: "That's correct, you can have your sheep."

The young man takes one of the animals and puts it in the back of his vehicle.  The shepherd looks at him and asks: "Now, if I guess your profession, will you pay me back in kind?"

The young man answers: "Sure."

The shepherd says: "You are a consultant."

"Exactly!  How did you know," asks the young man?

"Very simple", answers the shepherd. "First, you came here without being called. Second, you charged me a fee to tell me something I already knew. Third, you do not understand anything about my business and I'd really like to have my dog back."

-- Sojourner - SC MO (notime4@summer.spam), July 24, 2001


Sojourner, how about this one: The city boy was visiting his country cousin for the summer, when one of the cows started having a difficult calving. The country cousin says, " C'mon, you might as well learn something."

-- Judy C. Vaughan (, July 25, 2001.

Well, Pooh! Hit the wrong key! Anyway, the city boy and country boy spend the next 2 hours pushing and pulling, and finally deliver a big calf. They get the cow and calf settled, and are cleaning up. The country boy turns to the city boy, and says, " Well, I guess you know it all now. Do you have any questions?"

The city boy says, " Just one--how fast was that calf going when it HIT that cow, anyway?"

-- Judy C. Vaughan (, July 25, 2001.

Sojourner, that was a riot! But do we still HAVE to lighten up?

Judy, I don't get it. I was born in Dallas.


-- jumpoff joe (, July 26, 2001.

JOJ, are you serious? You really don't get it? The boys in the joke deliver a calf, but the city boy thinks the calf ran into the cow so hard that it was imbedded in her. Being from the city, he didn't know about the birds and bees ( that's sexual reproduction ) among animals. I'm glad I didn't tell my mule egg joke! It might have confused more people. Guess I'm on the wrong forum. Bye

-- Judy C. Vaughan (, July 26, 2001.

Judy, Judy, Judy!

I GOT it, already. I was making a slur against my old home town, and city slickers in general.

Get it?


-- jumpoff joe (, July 26, 2001.

JOJ, I'm relieved to find you were pulling my leg! And I don't even mind the Cary Grant imitation. I had built up a tolerance to it, not really liking it, until I met a woman whose name is Libby! Now, I LOVE my name, and the abuses of it. It could have been worse." When it says Libby, Libby, Libby, on the label, label, label......"

-- Judy, Judy,Judy (, July 26, 2001.

Ha! I didn't think anyone around here was old enough to remember that line. Of course, with your name, I should have figured you'd have heard it. Ad nauseum. Sorry.


-- jumpoff joe (, July 27, 2001.

Maybe you've already read this one. . . maybe not.

Homesteading man is working his fields when his wife calls him over and tells him "Paw, you gotta do somethin' with that outhouse".

"Well Maw, what's wrong with it"?

"Just go over and take a look".

So man walks over to the outhouse and says "I don't see what the problem is".

Woman replies "Go inside the outhouse and look down the hole".

So the man complies, looks around and says, "I still don't see anything wrong with this outhouse."

Wife says "Okay, you can take your head out of the hole".

Man tries to comply, but gets his hair caught in the edges of the hole. "Maw, OW Maw, help me, my hair is snagged on the edges of the hole".

Wife says "Hurts like hell, don't it"?

-- j.r. guerra (, August 01, 2001.

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