Laurie Notaro azcentral.com June 22, 2001 17:12 No More Gas! When I first heard about Under-Ease-the new airtight underwear that captures, shall we say, the potent aroma of a good meal gone bad-my first thought was not "I want one!" but "I want stock!" A fart trapper! I mean, this is the biggest invention of our time since the flushable toilet! Under-Ease www.under-tec.com is not only airtight with elastic legs and waistband, but also contains a charcoal "sandwiched in between two layers of Australian sheep's wool." www.under-tec.com

Now, the guy who invented the poot pants, Buck Weimer, says he came up with the idea after "suffering silently" through a long, smelly night under the covers when his wife was shooting invisible bullets out of her…pooter, I guess. I'm not sure whether or not Buck and the fart lady are divorced, but apparently his silence has kind of worn off since he's been telling the Associated Press about her night of butt bombs. Follow that up with the Under-Ease motto, "Wear them for the ones you love," and I doubt you can say "and I want alimony, too, you loud mouthed jerk" fast enough. While I think that the underwear is a fabulous idea, I am a little concerned. You know, I've always considered farts something of a little present from God, like a little ray of sunshine when the world seems dark and evil. As my husband says, "When is a fart not funny? NEVER!" And he's right! The world can be kicking you in the butt and spitting in your face, knocking out your teeth and telling you that your butt has the same surface as the moon's, but if you hear a fart, it's almost as if a rainbow appears right before your very eyes. If you can't laugh at that, your soul is nothing but HOLLOW. One Thanksgiving, my mom was pissed at me because I showed up drunk, and the dinner table was deathly quiet. Thank God my Pop Pop had eaten some broccoli on the veggie tray an hour before, because as soon as he reached for the mashed potatoes, a roar escaped from his rear like that of a lion. Of course, he was as deaf as a river rock, so he just kept scooping potatoes, but the rest of us were joined in a tender family moment laced with laughter. I sure wish I could remember it. Anyway, I'm a bit afraid that Under-Ease will muffle those poofs of happiness, and cast a pallor on the world from which we will never recover. Personally, I'm not so sure I want to live in a fart-free place, but if I could buy stock now, I think I could manage to suffer silently. * * * Notaro can be reached at lnotaro@azcentral.com or

-- Rob (celtic64@mindspring.com), June 25, 2001

Answers

let me try and clean up a bit....

Laurie Notaro

azcentral.com

June 22, 2001 17:12

No More Gas!

When I first heard about Under-Ease-the new airtight underwear that captures, shall we say, the potent aroma of a good meal gone bad-my first thought was not "I want one!" but "I want stock!" A fart trapper! I mean, this is the biggest invention of our time since the flushable toilet! Under-Ease www.under-tec.com is not only airtight with elastic legs and waistband, but also contains a charcoal "sandwiched in between two layers of Australian sheep's wool."

www.under-tec.com

Now, the guy who invented the poot pants, Buck Weimer, says he came up with the idea after "suffering silently" through a long, smelly night under the covers when his wife was shooting invisible bullets out of her…pooter, I guess. I'm not sure whether or not Buck and the fart lady are divorced, but apparently his silence has kind of worn off since he's been telling the Associated Press about her night of butt bombs. Follow that up with the Under-Ease motto, "Wear them for the ones you love," and I doubt you can say "and I want alimony, too, you loud mouthed jerk" fast enough. While I think that the underwear is a fabulous idea, I am a little concerned. You know, I've always considered farts something of a little present from God, like a little ray of sunshine when the world seems dark and evil. As my husband says, "When is a fart not funny? NEVER!" And he's right! The world can be kicking you in the butt and spitting in your face, knocking out your teeth and telling you that your butt has the same surface as the moon's, but if you hear a fart, it's almost as if a rainbow appears right before your very eyes. If you can't laugh at that, your soul is nothing but HOLLOW. One Thanksgiving, my mom was pissed at me because I showed up drunk, and the dinner table was deathly quiet. Thank God my Pop Pop had eaten some broccoli on the veggie tray an hour before, because as soon as he reached for the mashed potatoes, a roar escaped from his rear like that of a lion. Of course, he was as deaf as a river rock, so he just kept scooping potatoes, but the rest of us were joined in a tender family moment laced with laughter. I sure wish I could remember it. Anyway, I'm a bit afraid that Under-Ease will muffle those poofs of happiness, and cast a pallor on the world from which we will never recover. Personally, I'm not so sure I want to live in a fart-free place, but if I could buy stock now, I think I could manage to suffer silently. * * * Notaro can be reached at lnotaro@azcentral.com or (602)

-- Rob (celtic64@mindspring.com), June 25, 2001.

The only way we can be absolutely assured of a fart-free world is to execute all Repugliscums. These creatures have an uncanny ability to make farts come out of their mouths as well as their rectums, often simultaneously. Individuals downwind and/or within earshot of this appalling event are exposed to a very high risk factor for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and recurrent nightmares.

-- (Repugs are @ stinking. the place up), June 25, 2001.