Here's a little something from bygone days (no foolin'!) I'm printing it out and sticking it on the fridge. Anonomously, of course.

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The good wife's guide

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Be a little gay and little more interesting for him. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before you husband arrives.

Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables.

Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

Listen to him. You may have dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at home and relax.

Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair, or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to question him.

A good wife always knows her place.

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-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), June 19, 2001

Answers

Yeah, either that, or answer the door naked.

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-- Lon Frankenstien (evil@twinsR.us), June 19, 2001.

I have that! I think it's in an old cookbook around here.

-- helen (not@gain.ever), June 19, 2001.

A good wife always knows her place.

Yes, dear.

-- Susie (Subservient@Stepfordwives.com), June 19, 2001.

At a time when the tax code allowed a family to live with only one income, such a schedule was possible. One can only guess at how a man would respond to such treatment. I'd be satisfied with the "nekked at the door" treatment, but doubt that it'll happen. Well, maybe we're too old for that sort of thing anyway.

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), June 19, 2001.

Wouldya please post the 'Good Husband's Guide' before I have myself totally convinced that thing I need is a Good Wife?

-- flora (***@__._), June 20, 2001.

Well, Gene, I'M too old for it to be of much use.

-- helen (j@h.n), June 20, 2001.

Puh-leeeeeeze! Now I know why Women's Lib was started! ;-)

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), June 20, 2001.

Ya mean I don't gotta wear that saran wrap no more?! It wuz a mite breezy!

-- chilly (noneoyerbeeswax@all.com), June 20, 2001.

Problems, problems, problems.......

Now I gotta decide what's best to wear when opening the door.

Seems like the list of nomiknee's are: nothing, Saran wrap, a cookbook, Sarah wearing a cookbook, and Lon.

Question is....can Lon cook?

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), June 21, 2001.

Robert, actually I like to cook in the summer, wearing nothing but a little frilly lap apron. It's sooooo cool, and I just feel pretty, ya know. But I gotta tell ya, the neighbors do pitch a fit when I barbeque!

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-- Lon Frank (lgal@exp.net), June 21, 2001.

Ah ha!

Now, to protect the neighbors....the apron should be worn in back in the backyard while barbequeing. (This is known in the backyard BBQ trade as the "CYBYBBQBS" (Cover Your Backyard BBQ BackSide position.)

It also covers the lawyers present, or expected to be present presenting their presents in accordance with the law cue now forming in the front if your backside isn't covered in the backyard while barbeqeing thus revealing your present presents to all present and accounted for while observing your presents being presented to all present and unaccounted for ..... but only in certain precincts in FL.

However, if the apron is worn in the backside protection postion under the above forseen circumstances....one's circumcissored circumstances might become circumstantially involved in the barbequeing efforts while in the backyard under those alternate circumstances of facing forward while barbeqeing in the backyard facing the rear of the house - assuming you're not in New Zealand or Austalia ... which could, under other circumstances, be painful to all lawyers present under the other circumstances of facing the forward-looking review of the naked lady at the door awaiting the barbequed results.

...unless she'd rather not.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), June 21, 2001.

Flora, I'm with you! I want a "Good Wife" to come home to :-D

Has anyone warned Lon that his evil twin is trying to post under his name???

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), June 21, 2001.

Lon,

I LOL when I first read this, and imagined crossing out the "wife" part and inserting "husband" in it's place, and THEN sticking it on the fridge for "someone" to have some helpful household hints during the day! Hmmm, anyone have any results from this helpful hint list?

Robert,

As usual, I ROFLMAO at your post, tongue twister that it is when read outloud! Very witty Robert, you never lose your sense of amusement with life.

I'm smilin....

Thanks all!!

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), June 23, 2001.

A Good wife knows her place. That is true to this day. You libbers can say all you want, you may have gotten more rights and all. But what has suffered because of it? !!!! Don't think to hard!!!!!!!!! Our children in general, don't listen, don't behave, don't respect others rights. Mom went to work and now Junior is raising the family while Ma works. A Good wife knows her place, and don't forget it.

-- Mike Blum (badhaji@yahoo.com), November 02, 2002.

Now I understand why they needed "Mother's Little Helper" and Quiet World.

-- Lorraine (lorraine@uwalumni.com), November 13, 2002.

What pub was this from? I'm gonna guess Ladies Home Journal, circa 1952.

-- (lars@indy.net), November 18, 2002.

"The photography in her various publications seems to reduce all of female longing to its essential elements. A basket of flowers, a child's lawn pinafore draped across a painted rocking chair, an exceptionally white towel folded in thirds and perched in glamorous isolation on a clean and barren shelf: most of the pictures feature a lot of sunlight, and many show rooms that are either empty of people or occupied solely by Martha, evoking the profound and enduring female desires for solitude and silence. No heterosexual man can understand this stuff, and no woman with a beating heart and an ounce of femininity can resist it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

From an article about Martha Stewart in the Sept 02 issue of The Atlantic by Caitlin Flanagan called Home Alone.

-- (lars@indy.net), November 18, 2002.

Originally printed in Housekeeping Monthly - May 13, 1955.... Those were the days! I love the last one.... I told my GF to study this closely, as I would be testing her later! =)

-- JJ (nowayjose@ufunny.com), December 01, 2002.

The "good wife's guide" is someone's idea of a joke.

There never was a magazine called "housekeeping monthly"

The date (for starters) is a give-away.

A MONTHLY magazine published on 13th of the month. Right on! And, May 13th, 1955 was a FRIDAY (look it up!) Who ever hear of a magazine published on Friday.

Now, look at some of the advice.

Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you Do you believe that 1950's middle American, church-going, stay-at- home moms would be advised to turn a blind eye to a husband's fooling around?

At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Do you believe a 'good housewife' in 1955 would still be doing the laundry at 6pm?

-- Bai Ren (bai_ren2000@yahoo.com.hk), April 24, 2004.

All yur questions anserd here:

Q somebody's idea of a joke? A yup

Q never was a mag by that name? A Ahl take yore word fer it, not havin done thuh research reequired ta make such a bold statement mahsef. Not that it makes a lot o difference anyhow (refer to first question).

Q date a giveaway & whoever heard of a monthly published on 13th of month or on a Friday? A Seems a kind o fit, don't it, bein FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH an all an not just a friday or a thirteenth.

Q turn a blind eye to hubby's fooling around? A Wall, beetryal o trust aint hardly never adviseable, but it ud be downright impossible if nobody never trusted in thuh first place, now wooden it? But ta anser straight,ahm glad mah frens wife didn leave him flat those times he hadda work all nite or enertane some jerk he wouldn want her aroun anyway. It ud a hurt him somethin awful if sheeda jumped ta thuh wrong conclusion an left him--not ta menshun thuh fact that I probly wouldn have no couch ta sleep on. Thuh fifties uz different, bein afore thuh sexual revolewshun an all. Peeple didn always figger workin late wuz thuh same as adulterizin in them days. Wooden spect you tuh unerstan, I guess.

Q doin laundry at 6 pm? A Thuh need fer peace n quiet wuz so true that thuh machines outn thuh garage nowadays so it don make that much noise. An only thuh very best housewife ud be workin so hard so late, wooden yew thaink?

Bye, Bai. Hope you don view all times-has-changed amusements with such uh jaundiced eye an don always hafta reach back three years fer uh postin tuh argue with. (Any frens got thuh number o a good talk therapist fer Bai?)

Sen all yer questions ta Abbie Gale Van Redneck.

-- Redneck (bayouboy@donestirredumup.again), April 25, 2004.