I found this forum and love it and hope that some of you will give me idea's of how to work this promblem.

I made mistakes when I was a teenager ranaway from home several times jailed for it. Got married when 17 didn't work so got a divorce acouple years later when husband left me. I was very hurt. So I drifted around for a couple of years. Then I got p.g. with my first child (best thing that ever happened to me but my distrust in men I didn't want to get married) and tried to straighten my life up. When my son got very ill and had to be in the hospital. I never wanted to face that kind of situation alone again. So I got married again. Wrong move turned out to be a horrible person. Divorced again after the birth of my second son. Anyway now I'm married to a wonderful man that adopted my sons. My question is my parents won't let my mistakes alone they keep bringing up those memories and rubbing my face in them. Also they've told my sons every mistake I've made. Which made it hard to be a parent since I correct the child and they would say but you did. Of course I would tell them we're not talking about me now we're talking about your behavior. My boys are 18 and 17 now so the damage is already done. I'm very upset and now I'm to the point I don't want anything to do with them. We don't live close to them never had since I married my wonderful husband but they still do it when they visit or call. What is esp. irratating is my step father wasn't even in the picture when I was a teen yet he's the worst of them all.

-- Jacque (bojaq@lynks.com), June 06, 2001

Answers

Jacque- You might consider confronting the family members whose behavior irritates you. Simply inform them that they need to be more considerate of your feelings- you deserve their respect and love, too. It may be that they have simply fallen into the bad habit of picking on you because you have been vulnerable to their bullying. Once you stand up for yourself, they may very well back down. If they don't, then you may have to consider not seeing them, which sounds extreme when it involves family, but, you should not have to endure that type of behavior. If you can handle it, that's one thing, but you are obviously upset by it. Maybe a temporary moratorium on visits would wake them up and enable them to see things from your perspective.

-- Elizabeth (ekfla@aol.com), June 06, 2001.

Oh, how my heart grieves for you......my folks were a LOT like that. They remembered EVERY single mistake I'd made my whole life, and no matter how small, you could have sworn they were all FEDERAL crimes.

Your folks are angry, unforgiving people. Not necessarily just at YOU, but bitter against life itself, and you're who they take it out on. You can not control other people's behavior, however, you can control how you react to them. You do NOT have to let these people disrespect you, or treat you with disrespect. One of my favorite books was the Family Dance, I honestly can't tell you who wrote it, the other is the Dance of Anger. PLEASE get them both and read them both, and use whatever fits your situation.

I can tell you HOW to react to them, what to say, but these books will be there to remind you. Also, a Bible has been my biggest source of love. To know that God loves me unconditionally, and HE DOES FORGIVE, and it's irrelevant how they handle their lives.

One of the things my mother used to do was set a 'trap' for me. We'd be discussing something (and she always waited for family get togethers to bring up my 'multitude' of sins...) As soon as I'd say something, and she'd set me up and I'd realized what had happened, I'd just get up and say, "Wup! Time for us to go now." And leave. Just like that. She'd get mad and say, "What's the matter, can't take the criticism?" I'd say, "I'm not going to play this." I wouldn't say another word and just leave. I remember Daddy said, "Well, don't leave mad.." I'd say, "I'm not mad, I'm just not going to play this." And LEAVE. Don't say another word, don't argue, don't defend yourself. On the phone? "Well gotta go" and HANG UP! Don't argue don't defend, just hang up, as if there's a fire down your hallway.

There will be LOTS of ANGER, FURY, at your behavior. If it ever comes down to talking, which it did once, I said, "You know maybe I wasn't the perfect ideal of a child, but maybe YOU weren't the perfect ideal of parents, either. I guess we're both bitterly disappointed, huh?"

It's not really a mean thing to say, my pastor once did a sermon on Unmet Expectations were the biggest destroyers of relationships, marriage, family, friendship, employee/employer, etc....

I can tell you now, the anty will be upped and upped, until your family realizes you're NOT going to be treated with disrespect. What is your biggest fear of them? Will they disown you? Will they spank you? Will they ground you? These people have NO more power over you than YOU will give them. YOU have the power. You see, you're their whipping post. Their reason for EVERYTHING in their lives that's gone wrong. THEIR EXCUSE! No, you're not! Don't buy that crap and don't believe it, but they have YOU believing it and your children believing it.

When you and your husband are dancing and you suddenly change the dance steps without telling him, what happens? You start tripping all over each other. The family dance is that way. EVERYONE has their role to play in the family, the comedienne, the perfect child, the withdrawn child, the 'bad' child....Once someone CHANGES their role, the whole family starts tripping over everyone, because YOU changed the steps! They will be angry, they will pursue and do EVEYTHING they can to get you back into the whipping post mold. Don't dance with them. WALK!

The kids? They're grown, send them off to deal with their own problems. Do NOT allow your children to be disrespectful to you. You can't make up to them for your imperfections, and do they think it's necessary to make up to YOU for your imperfections?

But, DON'T keep a running balance of wrongs done to you, either. FORGIVE. If you DON'T forgive you'll forever be tied to them and their memories of hurt and pain. CUT LOOSE emotionally from these people. Only sever the physical contact when necessary, but just be SIMPLE about making it clear you're not sticking around for this crap! Look to those who DO love you, who DO make you feel good and wonderful and keep you honest.

On the phone or in their presence, even in the middle of a Thanksgiving meal, or better, yet, until this is all lined up, refuse to 'celebrate' with them. (Ever wonder what you're celebrating in the FIRST place?) It's summer. Start now. On the phone when it starts, gotta go, I'm not going to listen to this. And HANG UP! Don't bother listening to the furor and babbeling on the other end....just hang up. Starting at a dinner? Gotta go now, I'm not going to do this. Not another word, leave! (They'll want to see how far and how long you'll stick to your guns.) When you leave, go where YOU want to go. To a dear friend who DOES love you, go to her and let her tell you how you did the RIGHT thing. email me! Just don't put up with this crap! And Don't get yourself obligated to these people, financially, or with gifts. If there are strings attached to their gifts, and you find out after you receive them, return them as soon as it comes up. You can afford them easier financially than the price they're asking.

YOu're letting them treat you like this because YOU feel guilty over your past mistakes, and some of them wouldn't have happened IF you HAD listened to your folks, so now you're letting them say anything to you, and you're listening and believing it now! DON'T! You're an adult now, time to go on with life. By the way, my folks and I ended up being the best of friends, and my family DID learn to treat me with respect!

-- Louise Whitley (whitley@terraworld.net), June 06, 2001.

I agree, it is more than time to get off the roller coster. My mother went through this with my sister, everything was her fault, my fault, everyone else's fault. My mother simply refused to get involved with her accusations (mostly unfounded). She is there to help my sister when she needs it, and my sister knows this. She is starting to come around to my mother's point of view, but it hasn't been easy for any of us. annette

-- annette (j_a_henry@yahoo.com), June 06, 2001.

I am very sorry the one person who is suppose to love you no matter what is an idiot .They are not happy with themselves , so picking on you helps them.You have turned your life around and made it good .I would tell them to stop or do not contact me again .

-- Patty {NY State} (fodfarms@slic.com), June 06, 2001.

Louise, what a GREAT answer! Marvelous, life-changing advice! Thanks!

-- Bonnie (chilton@stateline-isp.com), June 06, 2001.

Hi, Your parents have done a darn good job of interfering with your life and your role as mother. It's likely your parents are fulfilling *their own need* to see you as a failure, even if this isn't based in reality. Maybe *they* feel like failures but are projecting this onto you because it is too painful for them to deal with their own deficiencies. It's probably tough for your parents to see you mature and happy now because you are no longer in the role of "failure"--the role they probably defined (unconsciously) for you from early on (all children fill a role in the family, defined by the parents.

Maybe you can decide to a. "divorce" them--stop all contact. This is hard, but you need to ask yourself why you need them around. Is it because you hope to gain their approval? This may not be possible from the sound of it. b. tell them if they want to see you or your children that they need to shape up, stop interferring with how you raise your children, and lay off with the criticism. Can you husband speak up? Maybe they also need to hear it from him.

It's really too bad your parents have put you down in front of your children. I would probably tell your children that you made mistakes and that you don't want the same things for them, which is why you cannot support their doing unwise things. Tell them you'll love them no matter what they do, but that you want them to have a better start in life than you did. If things are that bad, can you go for counseling with your children and husband? Maybe the ear of a neutral individual will help your children make sense of this all. I can only imagine how awful it must be for them to hear bad things about their mom from their grandparents. Your children must feel terribly confused.

It's great you are doing so well. You sound like you have so much strength. I bet you can get through this. Just gain the strength to deal with your parents by taking control here. Remember, they *do not* control you! You can write them off if need be, and you can heal from this, eventually forgiving them for what they have done.

-- amy (acook@in4web.com), June 06, 2001.

Jacque, people will use you only as far as you let them.

Find a copy of "Games People Play" by Eric Bernie, so you can idenify the roles played and reconanize the patterns that emerge. Trace back with your memory the first step of each pattern; prepare a side steping answer that will derail the oncomming cascade. Use that derailing answer and in the same sentance lead them to an area of conversation that they feel important in answering; the problem is that they want to feel important at your expence. An example would be, as your mother starts to lead to a cascade; "Mom, thats ancient history and while I got your attention do you think I should get a new black or brown purse to go with my beigh outfit?"

Read the book, learn to recgonize the patterns, prepare the sidesteps, practice the sidesteps and soon they will tell you how well you have changed for the better; while in the mean time you are actually changing them and their silly little minds.

-- mitch hearn (moopups1@aol.com), June 06, 2001.

I believe that you have received some wonderful advice here! Read it and follow it. Remember that you deserve respect from both your parents and your children. If you aren't there to listen to their babbling, they won't have any audience, will they! Make it very clear that you will not tolerate that behavior! As for your sons, I have a feeling that they know that you are trying to do what is best for them, but teenagers will argue with their parents about anything. It is their nature at that age. Oh...and tell your step-father to mind his own damned business and to shut up!

-- Ardie from WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), June 06, 2001.

I couldn't agree more with all the advice that's been given so far (especially Louise's- Great letter Louise. I'm going to print it out to read again and again).

We are going through this process right now in my family. You have to teach people that if they want to have a relationship with you AT ALL, they have to treat you with respect. Period. Not negotiable. Easy to say, but harder to implement. For me, I had to get to the point where I was willing to lose the relationship, if necessary, before I could take this stand. Now I'm ready. Gulp! We have a family reunion coming up this next week, so it is crunch time. Pray for me ya'll.

-- Kari (prettyhere@truevine.net), June 07, 2001.

Wonderful advice here - listen to Louise!! Don't play the game anymore (my sister is in the same sort of situation with my mother). Use all of your power to not get angry, the more you try to defend yourself the worse it gets.

Hey, we ALL make mistakes in our life - some of us learn from them , others seem to try to pick on the ones they love (with love loike this who needs hate???!!) so that their mistakes can "go away".

-- kelly (kellytree@hotmail.com), June 07, 2001.

Thanks all and YES I agree with all the advice. Which I had done once with my real father and it worked I just never thought of addressing this solution with this particuliar promblem also. Makes so much sense though. Years ago, with my Dad always coming over and talking of suicide. Of course I would argue with him about the MANY reasons of staying alive. Finally one day I got so tired of this that I told him that was his decision but I didn't want to hear of it again. Of course I was fearfull that he would but he never did and NEVER MENTIONED IT TO ME AGAIN.

-- jacque (bojaq@lynks.com), June 07, 2001.

Thanks all and YES I agree with all the advice. Which I had done once with my real father and it worked I just never thought of addressing this solution with this particuliar promblem also. Makes so much sense though. Years ago, with my Dad always coming over and talking of suicide. Of course I would argue with him about the MANY reasons of staying alive. Finally one day I got so tired of this that I told him that was his decision but I didn't want to hear of it again. Of course I was fearfull that he would but he never did and NEVER MENTIONED IT TO ME AGAIN. I don't really have much contact with them now maybe once or twice a year then the phone. I don't even e-mail them much anymore since I was told not to pass things along ( you know the nice quotes, and jokes everybody passes around. As far as my husband he has serious issues with his family that we just recently DISOWNED. I was hoping of a sure fix that wouldn't disown them but you know with all your guys. If their disowned it is by THEIR CHOICE. RIGHT Thanks again

-- jacque (bojaq@lynks.com), June 07, 2001.

Sorry all I hit the tab key once too many times typing this sorry again and have a nice day.

-- Jacque (bojaq@lynks.com), June 07, 2001.

Jacque, Just now got to check the forum after a few days' time and wanted you to know you are not alone and there are always folks here on the forum willing to talk and help whatever way we can!

A very old preacher gave me some great advice about five years ago when I was recupperating from some MAJOR mistakes I had made. He simply said he didn't care what I had done in the past, but he was just concerned with what I did in the future. He said the past didn't matter; it's the "now" that matters.

Teenagers can be a handful without grandparent interference. Tell those boys you learned from your mistakes and you simply don't want them making the same ones.

Perhaps you made those early mistakes in part because your parents were the way they are EVEN THEN. Although I don't like to blame our actions on anybody else because we are all accountable for OUR OWN actions! Anyway, domineering, critical parents are not good....in any situation...

So live your life today the best you can; be thankful you have a good man now and that you are in conctrol of your own life. best wishes.

-- Suzy in Bama (slgt@yahoo.com), June 07, 2001.

Hi Jacque- My Dad used to bring up something very bad I did when I was 18 and stupid. After several years of hearing this I finally said

"Dad, God forgave me for what I did a very long time ago, why can't you?"

He never ever mentioned it again. Hope this helps.

-- debra in ks (solid-dkn@msn.com), June 07, 2001.

jaque, tell your kids that yes, you did do what they hear you did, and you know the heartache that kind of life brings. Tell them that your experience qualifies you as an expert on the subject. And that you love them too much to allow them to hurt themselves the way you hurt yourself.

Hang in there, honey. Jesus loves you and so do we.

-- daffodyllady (daffodyllady@yahoo.com), June 09, 2001.

Jacque, there is a 12 step recovery program called CoDa, codepends anonymous, that deals with these type of things very well. I would highly recommend that you get a support group and handle some issues. It is life changing and liberating.

-- diane (gardiacaprine@yahoo.com), June 09, 2001.

I'll be praying for you, Jacque! I have to say, everyone, that I am proud to be a part of a group as compassionate as you all are. God bless!

-- Ardie from WI (ardie54965@hotmail.com), June 09, 2001.