That most basic and brilliant of threads entitled simply `Where ye from lyeuk` has revealed some interesting information , with the ageing out of Derek Whiteside esq the golden oldies are on the march, (to the tune of Stan Seymours Army). With this in mind can I ask our NUFC Rep and administrator, the esteemed Macbeth ,to wield his big stick and set up a separate password protected section on here where we could as a group discuss our medical ailments as only men can (right lasses)!! Dr Bill will be on-line at pre-arranged times to answer questions and offer advice, sort of a cyber-surge. Other activities that spring/sorry meander to mind are (a) tours of the treatment rooms at SJP. (b) pill swop shop. (c) establishing a network of collapse-in centers, Florida, Bangkok , Hong Kong ,Strichen (d) setting up links with our equivalent in Mackemland , not so much as a Reach Out as a Retch Up. (e) It should be our duty to tell the world of the value of Scots Emulsion, Castor Oil, School Milk et al.

REMEMBER SUPPORTING NEWCASTLE UNITED FC CAN BE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH.

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001

Answers

Ambulance Please

-- Anonymous, May 29, 2001

Hahaha you're on the strong ones today then Buff ;))

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Good post, Buff. LOL.

No doubt because of your famed good taste and natural reticence you omit mention of: f)the number of times one gets out of bed during the night; the length of time it takes etc.

I second your proposal for a dedicated (dessicated?) and private thread to deal with these important issues.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Thought you were going to ask for a dedicated reminiscence thread so you aulds could gas on about powdered egg, threepenny bits and Lyons' Corner Houses. Then us thirtysomethings could have our own thread to yammer about Spangles, Pipkins and Alan Shoulder.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Great to start the day with a smile Buff! (:o)

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Top idea Buff.
Would give me the opportunity to champion the cause of Gregory's Powder - good for the complexion and skin by giving 'the tubes' a thoroughly good clean out!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Excellent suggestion.

Sulphur and treacle medicine. Mist Kaolin et Morph - mmm mmmm. Leeches. Maggots. Cutting for the stone. Amputations under alcohol anaesthetic (and if you're lucky the patient can have some too).

I'm up for it, anyway. Waddya mean you're not so sure??

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

And don't forget worm cakes. Incidently, are any of you other oldies into sitty down wees yet ?

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

PB

... only when incontinence strikes during a prolonged bout of TV watching!

In general it must be said that one does begin to lose control of bodily functions after the age of, say, 45 (although I understand in Sting's case this was observed a few evenings ago - at least NUFC kept clean sheets twice this season).

My children have decided that it is prudent, when visiting dad, to bring protective clothing. And a gas mask when they visit mam.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

It's not so much loss of control but more the state your feet get in due to the trembling hands and duff eyesight, when you're wearing flip-flops. Sitty downs are the perfect answer.

And there really can't have been anything more revolting and disgusting on the palette than worm cakes. I used to tell me ma I'd rather have worms.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

PB

Worm cakes? Too avant garde for Shields in the forties. They must have been on rations - remember that we were only sand-dancers . And wormy ones at that. Not joking.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

PB

By the way, why does your eyesight go duff when you wear flip-flops?

Are the straps too tight? Bunions in the wrong places?

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

I could have phrased it better.

For

'state your feet get in due to the trembling hands and duff eyesight, when you're wearing flip-flops.'

read

'state your feet get in when you're wearing flip-flops, due to the trembling hands and duff eyesight.'

Plus some of what you said, t.e. ;-))

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Gordon bleeding Bennett you do make advancing years something to look forward to, mind. Sitty down wees to avoid dribbling on me feet, leaving only the memories of former glories (Edgefield County Primary wall-p*ssing champion 1954-55, if you must know - what did you think I meant?).

I thought it was bad enough waiting each day to hear if my eldest daughter has made me a g... a gr... a grandfather yet, but you've shown me it could get even worse. Mind you, my poor little grandson of any day now has got a Leeds United supporter for a dad, so it IS worse.

Nurse - some of Screacher's medicine please!

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Dr, there's a prescription in the post. I hope you remember what to do with it. Internal consumption only. See you next season - hopefully.

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

Can we please have a full list of entry conditions?

I would like to know when I become elegible for a "Senior Card"

-- Anonymous, May 30, 2001

"Sitty down wees" - I remember listening to an interview with Jack Nicholson a year or two ago when he 'passed' this on after being asked by the interviewer for his best piece of advice. I tried it and became an instant convert.

And can I just point out that I'm still (mostly) continent, a dashing 21 years old (ahem) and still have all me own hair.

Don't knock something till you've tried it ...

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

Sitty-down wees - just the ticket if you have a gammy leg and need a bit of a rest. Of course, my gammy leg is an old sports injury you understand. On that basis I expect pretty much the whole of the NUFC team are into sitty-down wees - now there's a thought! Perhaps that's what they mean by a team meeting these days.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

`sitty-down wees`? Don`t know what all the fuss is about! (;o)

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

Hmm. In the light of all of this popularity, I can see that this needs to be taken more seriously. However, we should be cautious. Too much sitting down can lead to other problems, like a nasty case of the Farmer Giles. In addition, there are the bacteriological hazards associated with all those grubby seats - leading to the popularity of the "hover" technique with women. Or so I'm told.

Further research is surely indicated.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

Nah Dr.Bill. Get them cheeks firmly pressed against the cold porcelain and don't you be worrying about getting Gomers. It's a lot less bovver than a hovver !!

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

ROFL, LT

But, without the extra inch or so of height provided by the seat, wouldn't you worry about touching water level? That'd really freak me out.

Nah, on second thoughts...

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

I'm disappointed in you Galaxy - I was expecting you to stand up for the opposite sex. :-)

I've always preferred sitty doons and tried it after watching a movie titled (I think) "The man in the glass booth" or similar about the trial of a suspected Nazi war criminal. (Brilliant and complex psychological drama). The main character announces this as an ideal technique to avoid prostate trouble in later life. The screenplay was by Harold Pinter so it's probably total nonsense in that regard, but still it's more comfortable. His other tip to avoid prostate trouble was to have sex doggy style. It's hard to say whether I prefer this or not. I mean, the thing about sex is that even when it's bad, it's pretty good. (so I'm told)

Further, on these medical concerns for the chronologically challenged male, I heard an interview with a famous modern artist on Radio 4 the other day. He must have been in his eighties - I think the name sounded like "Steller" if that means anything to anyone. Anyway, he told the interviewer that Viagra had transformed his life. "Before Viagra", he said, "All the wrong parts of the body were getting stiff".

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

Well, that's one way of avoiding touching water level, I suppose.

Not sure about the prostate prevention. Sounds just the sort of thing that Harold Pinter would have said:

"Now look here Lady Antonia, I need plenty of sex - and doggy style mind you - or my prostate will be tighter than a hamster's bum in no time. Get behind the sofa, now!"

On the other hand, if anybody is looking for volunteers for a trial....

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

Bliddy hell. Here's me thinking I've come up with something individual and unique, macho-wise, only to find that every male member of the known universe is a closet sitty-down wee-er.

'Closet' pun purely unintentional.

And it's okay for you to talk Galaxy, your lot have been doing it that way since the dawn of time. Try doing it standing up, but. That'll wipe the grin off your chops, as the Mother Superior said to the pregnant novice who's just been given a lemon to suck.

You'll be telling me next haven't cornered the market in preparation H, although, if Dr. B. is to be believed, the need for medication of that ilk is self inflicted anyway, bad pisture, seemingly, being a major contributory factor.

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

Hmm!!! I think perhaps I won`t be drawn into this discussion....creeping into the area of `way....way too much information`!(;o)

Exits stage left behind a veil of feminine mystery........... (sureptitiously hitching left breast with left wrist and adjusting her wrap around pinny and matching curlers).

-- Anonymous, May 31, 2001

Deftly sidestepping the `bodily functions` theme, I was listening to Johnathan Ross in the car last Saturday and he broadcast a short burst of Eileen Fowler exercises. Anyone remember her? I had an instant flashback to being told to sit quietly while Mother joined in with the `exercises`. There was Eileen, kitted out in her nice sensible loose fitting full body leotard, warbling instructions in her singsong voice (complete with gentle background music) such as, `stretch up to the trees then down to your knees`!

I can imagine little mousey housewives all over the country putting down their Be-Ro receipe books and join in with the `exercise for airheads`. As for...errrr......ummmmm....pelvic floor exercises (excuse me while I blush) I expect they were only mentioned in hushed voices by starched matrons in maternity hospitals to wide eyed, white faced and thoroughly traumatised new mums!(;o)

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2001

Howway Gal, it's varnigh lunch time. What's a more suitable mealtime topic for a bunch of Brits, than bodily functions and ailments of organs in the lower midriff ?

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2001

Hee hee, Galaxy! One of the instructors, sorry 'personal trainers', at my new gym(women only) was telling me about the time they were running an abs class during the spring. They left the front door open as it was a nice day. While they were in the midst of the 'pelvic thrust' exercise, the driving school next door let out. It wasn't long before a group of teenage boys was standing with jaws open at the door. Those whose jaws weren't on the ground were making the usual teenage boy comments.

-- Anonymous, June 01, 2001