God's take on lawns (jokes)

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Imagine the conversation The Creator might have had with St. Francis on the subject of lawns:

God: Hey St. Francis, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect "no maintenance" garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.

St. Francis: It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers "weeds" and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

God: Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It's temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

St. Francis: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. The begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

God: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

St. Francis: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it... sometimes twice a week.

God: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?

St. Francis: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

God: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

St. Francis: No Sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

God: Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

St. Francis: Yes, Sir.

God: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

St. Francis: You are not going to believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

God: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's a natural circle of life.

St. Francis: You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.

God: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and to keep the soil moist and loose?

St. Francis: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. The haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

God: And where do they get this mulch?

St. Francis: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

God: Enough. I don't want to think about this anymore. Sister Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

Sister Catherine: "Dumb and Dumber", Lord. It's a real stupid movie about.....

God: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.

-- Connie (Connie@lunehaven.com), May 16, 2001


Response to God's take on lawns

That sound like an Asian friend once said:" People from the south are strange. They heat water to make the tea hot---then they put ice in it to make it cold---then they put sugar in it to make it sweet--- then they put lemon in it to make it sour--add a few mint leaves so it won't be bland--Very fickle people you are"! Thanks for the chuckle.

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), May 16, 2001.

Response to God's take on lawns

Fits perfect with my opinion of what most humans are: "Bubonic Plague with legs". They walk around in a state of delirium.

-- Tom (tjk@cac.net), May 16, 2001.

Response to God's take on lawns

That was wonderful but how true it is.

-- Cordy (ckaylegian@aol.com), May 16, 2001.

Response to God's take on lawns

hahahahaha very cute

-- Action Dude (theactiondude@yahoo.com), May 16, 2001.

Response to God's take on lawns

This was really good. You should have seen the look on the face of the "lawn care professional" when we refused his attempt at the "free treatment" to get rid of the violets, dandelions and wild lily of the valley growing all over our yard! "You mean to say you like the way your lawn looks with all those WEEDS growing all over?" Yeap! That's exactly what we like instead of all your chemicals and "perfect looking" grass. We call it our "diverse" lawn.

-- Dianne in Mass (dianne.bone@usa.net), May 17, 2001.

Response to God's take on lawns

We solved the "lawn problem" here by seeding in a native grass, the ever-hardy Buffalo Grass. Though slow to green up in the spring, it is a tough, disease resistant, abuse resistant, natural ground cover, indiginous to our area. It grows thick and short, and crowds out the weeds naturally. You don't need to water it or fertilize it, and mow it only when you think it might be too tall to conceal the rattlers. Thanks for the chuckle!

-- Lynn in SD (ljbixler@dtgnet.com), May 19, 2001.

Response to God's take on lawns

yes iv noticed the problem god must love my yard!prettyest lawn i saw was nothing but wild violets . the same people who have chemlawn do thier yard will acuse farmers of destroying the enviorment with fertlize and herbicides while i am almost organic even the most chemical crazed farmers have a economic threshold for inuts but the lawn people dont

-- George Darby (windwillow@fuse.net), May 24, 2001.

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