BUZZFLASH REPORT Friday May 4, 2001 at 5:03:06 AM

THE FIRST HUNDRED DAYS OF THE GORE ADMINISTRATION

HOW IT WOULD HAVE WORKED IF THE TABLES WERE TURNED
By Buzzflash Contributing Writer David Podvin

In the aftermath of a controversial Electoral College victory that many claim was illegally handed to him by an activist Supreme Court, popular vote loser Al Gore has reached the benchmark hundredth day of his beleaguered administration. Faced with an implacable Republican Congress that was already drafting articles of impeachment as he was being sworn in, a hostile press corps that is scornful of his legitimacy, and a grass roots conservative uprising that requires him to hide within a bulletproof bubble whenever he appears in public, President Gore is faced with an uncertain political future.

Despite Gore’s attempts to change the tone in Washington, reaction among Congressional Republicans to Gore’s victory has ranged from apoplectic frenzy to psychotic frenzy:

“The very fact that he lost the popular vote makes him a phony president in my book,” said Orrin Hatch (R-UT). “And leave it to the liberals to steal an election by running crying to the Supreme Court.”

“The arrogant bastard tried to give me a nickname”, said Sen. Don Nickles (R-OK). “I told him to drop dead.”

“I am so distraught by this illegitimate regime”, said Congresswoman Mary Bono (R-CA). “I wish that my beloved Sonny were still with us, so that I could cheat on him again.”

Republicans are still seething with rage over the Supreme Court decision that stopped the Florida vote count and awarded the White House to Gore. Despite having already impeached, removed, and summarily executed the five justices who voted for Gore, the G.O.P remains bitter.

Their rancor is partially based on the revelation that Gore had an out of state consulting firm falsely list the names of tens of thousands of members of Florida’s Religious Right as convicted felons. As a result, these mostly pro-Bush voters were illegally prevented from casting ballots, giving a razor thin victory to Gore.

“There’s the ballgame”, said Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. “Election fraud doesn’t get any more blatant than that. Anyone who gains office in such a manner is illegitimate and must be opposed on every single thing that he tries to do, since he has no right to even be in office. This is our principled position, and we will never waver.”

That pervasive attitude has led to the defeat of every nominee that Gore has sent to Congress.

“Cabinet? He don’t need no stinking Cabinet!” quipped Senate Majority Leader Trent Lott (R-MS). “ If he wants a Cabinet, then let him go to a furniture store. And this Senate will never confirm the Supreme Court nominee of a guy who was appointed president by the Supreme Court. If he wants to get a justice onto the Court, then let him win an election first.”

Gore’s cabinet nominees have not only been rejected, but have experienced a level of hostility that is uncommon on Capitol Hill. Perhaps the most poignant moment occurred when Rep. J.C. Watts (R-OK) burst into the room of the Senate Governmental Affairs Committee during the confirmation hearing of Health and Human Services nominee Kweisi Mfume and screamed, “This guy’s in favor of all blacks being allowed to vote, not just the obedient ones like me – it’s freaking me out, man!” After Mfume was rejected on a straight party line vote, Senator Zell Miller (?-GA) said, “I thought that J.C.’s point was very persuasive.”

Thus far, the Republicans have launched 23,769,125,974 investigations of Gore, half of them by Rep. Dan Burton (Out of wedlock father - IN). Subjects of the investigations have included the Florida recount, Gore’s responsibility for the crash of internet stocks, Gore’s culpability in the continuing drug abuse by Robert Downey, Jr., Gore’s involvement in the death of Princess Diana, and whether Gore should be imprisoned if Neptune goes retrograde to Saturn.

Not the least of Gore’s woes come from the adversarial tone of the liberal media. On issue after issue, he has been taken to task. His honesty, or lack thereof, has been a recurring theme of the mainstream press. During the campaign, Gore promised to eliminate 99% of the arsenic from drinking water, but after taking office revised that to eliminating 99.9%. “That is not what he said during the campaign”, wrote Katharine “Kit” Sealy of the New York Times. “ A broken promise is a lie. He’s an habitual liar, a pathological liar, a congenital liar, and a dirty, rotten liar. Liar, liar, pants on fire, left his clothes beneath the dryer.”

Foreign policy has been another area where Gore has attracted criticism. “He’s been in office for three months and now the Arabs and the Jews are not getting along. Congress was right to censure him for allowing the Chinese to shoot down that spy plane. Saddam Hussein is still in Iraq, Castro is still in Cuba, and there is still no democracy in Iran. Worst of all, Reverend Moon is never consulted about Korea. In short, Gore is a pathetic foreign policy buffoon,” editorialized the Washington Times.

But for all of the negative press, an even bigger problem has been the media’s relentless examination of the Florida recount, which has crowded out virtually all other news. At a symposium of newsgathering organizations, the heads of the three major broadcast networks issued this statement: “Given how precious democracy is, we reject the criticism of those who have condemned us for canceling all programming in order to devote twenty four hours a day to reexamining what went wrong in Florida.” Tim Russert of General Electric News added, “To those who say that we in the media should stop obsessing about the theft of this election, I say, ‘get over it’.” The American media’s perpetual coverage has been so exhaustive that foreign outlets, like the BBC, have seen no need to investigate.

The controversy has also been hard on the press. Ted Koppel, host of Nightline, was so disconsolate about Bush’s defeat that he had to take a leave of absence. He has temporarily been replaced by his twin brother’s friend, Buffalo Bob Smith.

Family scandal has contributed to Gore’s problems. When his daughter, Kristin, was recently arrested for public drunkenness, conservatives were quick to bemoan the incident as a sign of further societal decay.

“Take it from me, the most moral human being ever to draw a breath,” said William Bennett, cherished ethical light unto humanity and author of the new book, “Phillip Morris Good, Single Mothers Bad." “A man who can’t control his own daughter is unfit to lead our country.”

“This just shows that the daughters of liberals are all beer guzzling whores,” said Dr. Laura Schlesinger, nationally syndicated radio yenta and co-author with Rasheed Wallace of “Winning Through Self-Control”.

Unsurprisingly, public opinion has turned against Gore. The poll numbers indicate that the American people regret Gore’s ascension to the presidency. In a recent Zogby poll, respondents were asked, “Do you prefer having depraved Al Gore as president if it means that America will become a militarily weak cesspool of immorality mired in economic depression, or would you prefer having charming George W. Bush as president if it means that you will gain limitless wealth and personal immortality?” Almost half of those questioned chose Bush.

So what is the future of the Gore presidency? Perhaps only the Almighty knows for certain:

“I am too pious to ever take sides in politics, but Jesus told me that He wants us to get rid of Gore and the Jewish guy by any means necessary,” said the Rev. Dr. Billy Graham (R-NC). “And anyone who disagrees will burn in Hell forever.”

Whatever the fate of President Al Gore, some will always wonder about what could have been.

“I continue to believe that, if the Court would have just allowed us to follow the law and count every hanging chad, dimpled chad, and indentation like we do here in Texas,” said a chagrined Governor George W. Bush, “ then today I would be President Of The United States and Commando in Chief Of The Armed Forces.”

Can be reproduced with attribution to David Podvin and BuzzFlash.com, along with the posting of the URL.

-- Cherri (jessam5@home.com), May 04, 2001

Answers

While most of this was pretty over-the-top even for satire, this one line had the ring of complete truth for me:

"...reaction among Congressional Republicans to Gore’s victory has ranged from apoplectic frenzy to psychotic frenzy."

The meekness of Congressional Democrats in response to the actions of this administration has been a wonder to behold. In the same position, the Republicans would have turned arsonists.

-- Little Nipper (canis@minor.net), May 04, 2001.

I agree on the point of this being over the top even for satire.

Also:

"Can be reproduced with attribution to David Podvin and BuzzFlash.com, along with the posting of the URL. "

Oops.

-- Buddy (buddydc@go.com), May 04, 2001.

Wow, Cherri sure sounds alot like those Republican Senators.

-- Cherri needs prozac (she's@getting.hysterical), May 04, 2001.

"Thus far, the Republicans have launched 23,769,125,974 investigations of Gore, half of them by Rep. Dan Burton (Out of wedlock father - IN)." 23,769,125,974 investigation in 100 days? Did this guy ever take a basic math course.

-- stupid is (as@stupid.does), May 04, 2001.