Self Mutilation

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Why do you SI? How does it make you feel?

I cut myself with razors because the pain in my chest is unbearable. Almost anything can set me off. Most of all, the desire to injure myself comes when I feel like I have failed at something or when I feel as though someone close to me is going to leave me. The need for intimacy in my life is great and although I try to keep everyone at arm's length, when I do let someone in I feel as though I will be hurt. Cutting relieves the pain that nothing else can take away. [female, 32, 17 years SIB, MSW] I feel it is because I can't handle my emotions very well. When i get really sad or really mad I feel the need to hurt myself to make me feel better. [male, military]

1. I feel like a pressure cooker that's going to explode. Cutting and bleeding sufficiently is like letting out the steam. If I do this to my satisfaction, I feel immediate relief, as if injected with valium or something. It helps stop the inner turmoil for a while. 2. To feel real when I feel numb. 3. It becomes an addiction. [female, age 38, 13.5 years SIB]

Because I feel so much internal pain that I need a way to release it all. So by cutting myself, it acts as an outlet for that internal pain, like it's all running out of me, like water out of a tap. [female, age 17, 3 years SIB, HS senior]

I do it because I can't talk to anyone about how I'm feeling. The night is really bad for me and that is when I have the most problems with hurting myself. I have nightmares about my past when I was in an abusive relationship. I have tried lots of self-help stuff, but some nights I just can't help it. I wish I could tell someone, but I don't think I can. [female, age 21, 5 years SIB, college sophomore]

I do not know why I cut, but it scares the hell out of me. Most of the time I am feeling very rejected or angry or I am seething with self-hatred. I do not cut for attention or to create dramatics. When I engage in this behavior, it is always alone and I have never told anyone about it. [female, age 33, SIB since teens, Ph.D.]

Reasons differ, but usually it's to deal with emotional pain. I also do it because it makes me forget about everything else. Before I feel lost, depressed, and over-whelmed. During I forget about everything and concentrate on the task at hand. Afterwards I feel like a total failure, a freak, an outcast. [female, age 15, 2 years SIB, HS freshman with 3.9 GPA]

So that I don't cry. Sometimes it is to make myself cry because I don't feel real. The physical pain takes away the emotional pain. I need control over any pain I'm experiencing. [female, age 27, 16 years SIB]

There isn't really a "why." It's not something I think about versus something I just do. If I thought before I acted, I probably wouldn't hurt myself so much. I just suppose it's a mixture of everything that's confusing me. All of the emotions are like soldiers in a battlefield and it's everyone for themselves. It's not my choice how I feel until I control it, which I do by cutting myself. Or, I could just say that it's a biochemical imbalance. [After a session], I feel like the crazy, out-of-control freak I was before I started hurting myself. [female, age 13, 3 years SIB, middle school]

I'd rather feel that pain [from cutting] than the pain i don't understand. [unspecified]

For me cutting is a coping mechanism. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's something that gets me by when things get too heavy to deal with. It's a very stressful experience at the time but it does help me get back in control of myself albeit with having the embarrassment factor the next day. [male, age 22, 4 yrs SIB, college degree]

I feel like I'm going out of control. I have so much anger and hurt inside me that I don't know what to do with. During an episode I start to feel relieved from all my tension and stress and it seems like I'm almost in a trance and don't really notice the things around me. It's really strange. [female, age 18, 3 years SIB, college freshman]

It is very hard to describe. I liken it to a heroin addict in desperate need of a hit. Nothing else matters. Tunnel-vision sets in. Your heart-rate is bounding, I get the shakes, I cannot focus on anything until I have a razor in my hand and have marked the first cut. The pain causes me to flinch and gasp, but the more I do it, the calmer I become. [female, age 26, college student]

I feel lost, inadequate, incompetent, inapt, unworthy. I wish this would go away. [female, age 44, 30+ years SIB, PharmD]

I pretty much become emotionless. It feels like I don't need anyone or anything but the razor (or whatever I'm using). When I cut myself, I do not feel a release or anything. I just wonder why I can't stop. After, I feel stupid. I start crying, and I usually punch or slap myself in the face. I then feel alone, depressed, helpless, and hopeless. I've never been treated for my injuries. I won't allow it. I'd rather bleed to death. [female, age 16, 4 years SIB]

How do you injure yourself?

I slam my hands/arms against something cement with corners until i hear something crack and I am convinced I've broken a bone. These sessions sometimes take 3-5 hours. I have never failed to break a bone. [female, age 22, 9 years of SIB, B.A. degree}

I hit concrete walls until my hands are black and blue, and so swollen that I cannot write or do anything with them. But it's a good feeling, the pain, because I focus on that, and not the pain in my heart... all of the problems that I can never get worked out go away, even if just until the pain in my hands wears off. [?] I usually burn myself by heating the metal of a lighter and placing it against my skin. I used to cut myself but it is very addicting so I have promised myself I won't cut myself anymore. [female, 27, 9 years of SIB, college senior]

Beatings with fists, belts, wire hangers to bruising and welting. Head banging or hitting. [?]

Mostly I hit myself with a wooden spoon or stick for a long time, usually a number of times, like I will think/say 100 hits. I have burned myself and used electricity to shock myself. [male, 31, 19 years of SIB, B.S.]

By placing caustic chemicals on my skin, then closing my eyes and seeing how long I can stand it. [female, 32, 3 yrs SIB, B.S.]

I like to get blunt objects, like tweezers, and use them to dig into my skin. I also use steel wool to scrape off large areas of skin at a time. I like to experiment with different ways, but I usually come back to steel wool. Sure [I feel pain], but that's the whole point. [female, age 19, 9 years SIB, college freshman]

What have been the consequences of your SI?

scars, hatred of myself. people reacting with disgust or saying it is fucking cool, how sick is that. one guy even came up to me the day after he found out saying, look man, i cut myself last night, innit cool? i was mortified. i was straight home that lunch so fucking angry..... most lads think it is cool and treat me as some kind of fucking fashion accessory. girls either react with disgust or disgust thinly disguised with a layer of sympathy. [male, 17, 9 years SIB, 12 years education]

my parents have seen it a few times and questioned me, my brother jokingly brought it up. i wanted to curl up in a hole and die. i hate being confronted about it, i hate being questioned, i hate ignorance. [?]

...Feel ashamed and embarrassed at my erratic behavior once I come to my senses. Makes me withdraw and keeps me from social activities. [female, age 30, 15 years SIB, in college]

Feeling guilty that I can't tell someone so I can get some help. I don't want to keep doing this to myself. But I can't express my feelings like normal people. But then again what is normal? [female, age 21, 5 years SIB, college sophomore]

I am embarrassed to NOT wear lipstick, I am ashamed of the condition of my fingers, I don't like to show off my engagement ring, because I don't want people to see my fingers. I have told my fiance that I want help, I want to know why I do this, and I want to stop. It's absurd [female, age 23, 15 years SIB, 1 yr. of college]

It is a constant struggle to hide the scars and bruises. I cannot allow anyone to see them but it is very difficult. I can never wear a prom dress, swimming suit, or even a T-shirt . . . Because of the reactions of my friends and therapists, I have been conditioned to believe that SI is evil, and therefore I am evil. I am in a constant battle [between] what people tell me and what I feel. Because I feel that others think I am evil and that I hurt them when I hurt myself, I need to do it even more. [female, age 18, 4 years SIB, HS valedictorian]

I've never been able to be in a loving home because people have feared my self-injurious behaviors. I've never allowed people to get close to me. [female, age 18, 10 years SIB]

Just the guilt and shame... but if I'm gonna feel guilt and shame I would rather at least have done something... rather than feel it because all the sick people in the world (or it seemed like all of them) felt like they had to abuse me... molest me... rape me.... Not all my scars are from me... am I trying to even the score? Maybe.... [female, age 22, 19 years SIB, 5 years college/high school honor student]

My parents screaming at me about it, my mother constantly being upset about it, having to wear long sleeves all the time, people not talking to me, people giving me strange looks sometimes and making comments like, "Oh, I'm sad, so I'm just going to go cut a big hole in my arm!!" One time my mom was yelling at my brother about something, and he said to her "well at least I don't burn holes in my hand!!" [female, age 16, 4 years SIB, HS junior taking college classes]

People pick on me about it and I feel even more alienated. [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]

Well everyone in my small town I live in thinks I am nuts. Self-mutilation is a mystery to those who do not understand the hurt mentally some of us go through daily. But the biggest disappointment for me was and is having to see the sadness in my mothers eyes, she also feels hopeless when I hurt myself. If it were not for my mother I would not care who hurt emotionally from my behaviors. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB, 3 years college]

When people discover what it really is, they get mad at me. I can't control what I do. It has become such a coping skill for me that I don't know any other way of dealing with things. Other people just make me feel worse about myself. [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS senior]

Does it hurt? How can you bear the pain?

Yes--in actuality I hate the feeling of the blade in my wrist. But the physical pain is nothing compared to the emotional pain.[female, 14, <1 year SIB, secondary student]

I don't always feel pain while I'm cutting. If I am tremendously angry or upset, my body goes numb from the emotions. I can't feel anything. But most of the time I feel pain. It's the pain that makes me feel better. The pain that gives me that release.[female, 16, 4 years SIB, high school sophomore]

Absolutely, at times. Sometimes the pain FEELS good; sometimes it hurts and makes me want to stop. Most of the time it's a surreal type of pain that allows the pain I feel inside to come out. [female, age 36, 30 years SIB]

Yes, that's the point. But its not like hurt pain, it's more of a soothing pain it calms me down makes me feel better. [male, age 26, 12 years SIB, AA degree]

Are you out about your self-injury?

Yes I know ppl that do it! Yes, I hide it. I just don't tell if anyone asks. Like in the psych ward I threaten to strip down and let them see that there are no marks and then they are so convinced by my willingness to cooperate that they don't ask any farther. [female, age 17, 2 years SIB, taking HS and college classes]

No. I am so in the closet about it I'm in Narnia itself. I don't tell anyone because a) People will look at me differently and b) it's really embarrassing. [female, age 25, college degree]

My family is aware of my history, but they believe it ended 2 1/2 years ago. I am a master at hiding it now. Only wish I could hide the anger within me as well. [female, age 35, 27 years SIB, HS graduate (top 10%)]

I am not "out" about my self-injury. I hide it by wearing pants and long skirts and long sleeves. I do not go swimming, and I never wear shorts. I am very afraid of my cuts being found. . . . I really have no desire to end my self-injury; I enjoy the sense of calm afterwards. I do wish that I didn't "need" to do it. My only fear is discovery and persecution. [female, age 21, 13 yrs SIB, college student]

If someone does notice the marks or scars they are quite willing to believe any lie, no matter how badly told or conceived, you wish to tell them. [female, age 21, college sr]

I always make mine look like accidents cause I don't want anyone to know. [female, age 24, 10 yrs SIB, Master's student]

How did people react when you came out as a self-injurer?

People have asked me about it, and I gave them the shortened summary of why, and they look disgusted and call me names. [male, age 14, 2 years SIB]

When I tell people they usually try to be empathetic, but it is usually obvious that they are filled with confusion, morbid thoughts and images. All I know to tell them is that it helps me. In a sick way, It helps me. Too, I feel with me that it has become an addiction of sorts. The cravings for self-harm can be just as bad as a craving for a drug. [female, age 38, 27 years SIB, some college]

I got into a fight with my mother when I asked her if I could see a psychiatrist. She said, "You have to tell me why." So I told her that the scars on my arms weren't from my cat. She asked if they were "needle tracks from using heroin." Now let me tell you, when you are asking for help and someone accuses you of using drugs, it just makes you feel worse. So I yelled and screamed at her and told her what it was. Then she agreed to get me help. [female, age 17, 7 years SIB, HS senior]

A few months after I told my mom about my cutting, she always had this grudge with me about it. She always made me cover it up when people came over the house, sometimes I really didn't care if people would ask about it because I can always lie about it and they would believe the lie. My mom told me once that if I ever cut myself again that she would kick my a$$. That really hurt my feelings because it's just like an addiction. It's like being an alcoholic, it's hard not to take that sip of beer that made you became an alcoholic... it's hard to stop cutting, it really is. [female, age 16, 9 months SIB, 8th grade]

What kinds of attitudes have you encountered from therapists? The therapist I had for three years wouldn't deal with it; she would just frown and ask me if there wasn't something else I could do instead. So I started drinking. [female, age 23, 5 years SIB (some at age 8, though), four years of college]

The first time I cut myself, I called my therapist because I was scared that I couldn't/wouldn't stop. She seemed ok and calm with the situation that night. I always had difficulty expressing myself and I was totally intimidated by her, so for me to even call her and admit to my foolishness was a big step for me. Unfortunately, she "dumped" me the next evening by saying that she couldn't give me the help she felt I needed. I now know that she was somewhat panic-stricken, but I felt even more worthless than ever... I'M SO SCREWED UP THAT EVEN A THERAPIST CAN'T HELP ME! I still feel that she was a coward about the whole thing. [female, age 34, 2.5 years SIB, teacher]

What kinds of attitudes have you encountered when seeking medical help?

At first, I was always going to the ER and the doctors were often angry and retributive about it. They would ask if I was suicidal, and then seem disgusted when I said no. A lot of times they sent me to the psych ward. Dealing with the reactions of doctors was one of the worst aspects of living with this problem for me -- it traumatized me quite a bit. It seems to bring out the worst in lots of people, but doctors especially, and psychiatrists more especially. [female, age 39, 27 years SIB off and on, BA]

Many times [I've been] medically treated. Been stitched and stapled without anaesthetic. Had steri-strips on deep cuts that immediately came open and were then left. Been told off. Been told I was wasting people's time. Been told I was lying when I went back after the stitches came undone. Have been met with "oh, my god!" when seeing my legs. Been lectured once how I shouldn't have done it. Avoid hospitals if at all possible although some individuals have been very good to me. [female, age 28, 3 years SIB]

Mostly I will take care of my own injuries. I hate hospitals. When I go to a hospital for something else they look at my arm and give me a bad attitude like I'm crazy or something. Or they whisk me away to another hospital for mental problems. [female, age 24, 4 years SIB, some college, CNA/certified EKG tech]

Yes many times. I'd have to say around ten times. Of course several have [been angry/abusive] - that's when they sew you up without a shot to deaden first. Like you deserve more pain [because you] do that to yourself. Wish there were more understanding and help out in the real world. [female, age 39, 12 years SIB, 12 years education] Yes, twice. Yes the doctor gave me 20 stitches without anesthetic. [female, age 27, 16 years SIB]

That night the [doctor on call] knew me. I had already been there earlier in the day after cutting my mid- and upper abdominal area with a razor blade. There had been a change in shift but the nurses told him I was seen earlier by the other doctor. I wouldn't have gone in for the wrist except I was sitting in my car at a park and someone reported me to the police and they came and called the medics. When this doctor came in I was holding the gauze on my wrist applying pressure. He jerked it off, took one look at it, and threw the gauze back in my lap and said, "I don't have time for this shit! I will come back later." He stormed out. A few minutes later the nurse came in and yelled at me because I didn't have the gauze on my wrist. I tried explaining it was the Dr.'s fault but it didn't go over really well. He came back in about 45 min later. He said, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that but I am so busy I don't have time for things like this especially when it's intentional." I just sat there because I couldn't do anything else with the police right outside my room. Believe me I am a lot more careful now![female, age 30, 2 yrs SIB, associate's degree]

I have been treated 5 times, 2 of which were very serious. I only had one doctor who was really rude to me, but almost all of the nurses acted like I was a waste of time. [male, 16, 4 years of SIB, HS graduate]

Oh yeah, I have had to go to the ER for cutting too deep with glass, and the nurses and doctors there acted very strange and mad. I do not cut or burn for sympathy, I do not want sympathy from anyone, and I just want to be treated for my injuries and left the hell alone. [female, age 22, 2 years SIB, 3 years college]

I was taken into a clinic one time, and the doctors were extremely rude. This one grabbed me by the arm and started asking me what all the symbols I had carved into myself meant. Then he started lecturing me. [female, age 19, 3 years SIB, college sophomore]

Yes, [I've been treated by] 3 doctors [and received] anger, indifference, lack of compassion; some treated me as if I were a nut case. [unspecified]

I had seven stitches put in my wrist. The nurse who took out the stitches was very kind until she saw where the cut was and all the scars around it. After that she was very terse and impersonal. [male, 21, 6 years of SIB, B.A.]

The doctor was very angry and stitched my wrist with no anesthesia. It was like he wanted to teach me a lesson, but instead he taught me that I could withstand even more pain than I thought. I stared him in the face and refused to flinch. [female, 32, 24 years of SIB, 2 years of college]

-- (what@the.fuck), April 24, 2001

Answers

When I am bad, I put my nuts in a vice and crank til I faint.

-- (I@m.not_worthy), April 24, 2001.

Um, did I miss somethin? What the hell is this a testimonial?

IF you want hurt dial 1-800-unclede, he can REALLY put a hurtin on ya, no blades required...LOL.

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), April 24, 2001.


An article in a recent issue of some magazine in a doctor's office dealt with the spread of fetishes through media attention in the past and net groups in the present. Odd mental illnesses will "flare up" in a population with exposure to the illness. The author's theory was that either people wouldn't normally think up these things, or they do these things and finding others like themselves reinforces the illness.

The specific behavior he was studying was so horrific that I don't want to mention it, for fear Unk may think of this for the first time and develop the compulsion to do something awful.

-- helen (ack@ack.ack), April 24, 2001.


"Um, did I miss something?" If you had a child like that, I don't think you'd find it so amusing.

-- (not@laughing.matter), April 24, 2001.

Thank you helen for being so kind. I already have enough fetishes as it is now, I don't need any more. The equipment is just getting too expensive and hard to store.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), April 24, 2001.


Ah, Borderline Personality Disorder, like Glen Close in "Fatal Attraction". These folks seek highly structured environments to compensate for their internal chaos wrought by infantile ego structures and so flock to positions of administrator, therapist, religious fanatic, cop, soldier. Charming lot, eh?

-- Data_Junkie (not@here.com), April 25, 2001.

FWIW there mr/ms no humor, my son now 16 did go thru a lil period of the cut on himself mode. I didnt think it funny then, nor do i now.

Sheesh. Lighten up. I swear IF you had just 1/4th of the problems I have, your ASS WOULD find a reason to get some humor.

BTW, he does not do that shit no more, I took all his knives and gave him a sword instead :-)

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), April 25, 2001.


You drop a bomb about your kid, then tell ME to lighten up? Go figure.

-- Data_Junkie (not@here.com), April 25, 2001.

DJ, I wasnt addressing you and BTW, the whole post was a JOKE, hello.

I must be gettin good cuz nobody can tell when I'm kidding or not.

:-) didnt mean no harm.

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), April 25, 2001.


Hehe, I guess so!

-- Data_Junkie (not@here.com), April 25, 2001.


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