CNN Calls For End to Mideast Peace Negotiations

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CNN Calls For End to Mideast Peace Negotiations

(TheSatyr.com) ATLANTA, GA -- CNN called for an end to Mideast peace negotiations during Thursday's newscasts, in an open editorial plea to Israel and the PLO.

News anchor, Tom Haynes urged Israeli Prime Minister to "use nuclear weapons on protesters," while co-anchor Rudi Bakhtiar reminded Arafat that the best way to win independence is with a suicide bomber, "preferably in a school."

"Both sides are fighting for a common goal and neither of you will win by compromise," said Bakhtiar poignantly."

The editorial comes at a time when the United States and other countries have begun putting pressure on the two sides to put aside their differences and return to negotiating, at a time when the ratings have not been milked for all they are worth. For the sake of clarity, CNN posted a user-friendly map suggesting future conflict areas.

Bakhtiar encouraged Arafat to send more kids and pregnant women to the front lines of the stone-throwers, preferably wearing red and white targets over their vital organs. "This is no longer about peace in the Middle east," said Bakhtiar. "Too many people have died for you to forget the atrocities of war."

"This is about ratings," she reminded, stern-faced.

Haynes hinted to Sharon that should President Bush really wanted Israel to invade Egypt and his prior condemnation of Israel's unrestrained actions was actually a secret coded message. "C-O-N-D-E-M-N actually stands for 'Could Orthodox Nation Destroy Egyptian Marketplaces Now?'" said Haynes.

"Are you going to just ignore the United States, your closest ally?"

Israeli and Palestinian officials could not be reached for comment, but it is expected by experts that they will concur with the editorial.

-- Avi Muchnick, Ryan Grim

© 2001, TheSatyr.com.

-- Uncle Bob (unclb0b@aol.com), April 20, 2001

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