Girls Will Answer Your Deep, Searching Questions for Only $3.95/Minute

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``We're hard and fast on being the largest enabler of commerce on the Web. We have chosen to offer adult-oriented content as part of that.'' -- Yahoo! President Jeff Mallett, Reuters, April 11, 2001, (emphasis ours; words his).

The Link to the story here

YAHOO! SAYS PORN SALES WON'T CHANGE COMPANY, NEW YAHOOTERS! GIRLS "JUST AN EXPERIMENT"

Girls Will Answer Your Deep, Searching Questions for Only $3.95/Minute

Palo Alto, Cal. (SatireWire.com) — Yahoo! acknowledged reports yesterday that thousands of hardcore porn videos are now available through its Yahoo! shopping service, but insisted pornography has not become an obsession at the company. In a separate statement, Yahoo! released first quarter earnings of 1 cent a share Wednesday, numbers President Jeff Mallett said were "so low they're barely legal!"

While Yahoo's earnings statement, which Mallett insisted on calling the company's "money shot," suggests its banner-ad revenue model is in trouble, Mallett contended the popular portal would not convert to the more lucrative porn-based model, and was not trying associate Yahoo! with pornography by adding to its "Adult and Erotica" section.

"Smut, hardcore, bondage, busty babes, lonely housewives, lusty virgins, group sex, backdoor Billies, dirty debs, she-males in uniform... all of that is just not something we're obsessed about," said Mallett. "If we have a fetish, it's that we're obsessed about the really big, stiff, hard challenges standing before us, and we want people to know that we're hot, eager, and ready to take them all on."

Mallett added that a company press release identifying Yahoo! as the Internet's most popular "pornal" was probably the result of a typo. However, he refused to comment on why page searches now return a page of "resluts" instead of the former "results."

Conservative groups, meanwhile, immediately threatened to boycott Yahoo! for offering porn videos, and were further incensed by the introduction of the new Yahooters! Girls, who will personally answer visitors' "deep penetrating" questions for $7.95 for the first minute, only $3.95 per minute after.

Asked what the Yahooters! Girls will offer that site visitors can't get by searching the site's extensive directory, Mallett blushed. "These girls are very skilled at what they do," he said. "Let's just say they can search in areas that you didn't even know existed."

NEW YAHOO! SLOGANS

· Yahorny? Yahoo!

· Yahard Yet?

· AOL Keyword: Teensluts

· Yahoo! We Got Yawhores!

· oh yes, Oh Yes, YAHOO! ... cigarette?

· Not Legal in Georgia

· Do Yahave the Handcuffs?

· Do You Yahoo, Or Would You Rather Just Fuck?

Copyright © 2001, SatireWire

-- Uncle Bob (unclb0b@aol.com), April 13, 2001

Answers

Yahoo To Stop Selling Porn

The Associated Press

Friday, April 13, 2001; 10:31 a.m. EDT

SANTA CLARA, Calif. –– Yahoo! Inc. said Friday it will stop selling pornographic products.

The move is in response to concerns voiced by its customers following the company's expansion of its online offerings of pornographic videos this week, Jeff Mallett, president and chief operating officer, said in a statement.

"We consistently strive to act responsibly and constantly evaluate our policies based on what our users tell us," Mallett said.

The company has said that it has offered adult products through Yahoo! Shopping for two years and has controlled access to those. Yahoo had also expanded efforts to block underage shoppers, requiring buyers to register an e-mail address and enter a credit card number.

On Friday, the company also announced that it would stop entering into new contracts for banner advertisements for adult merchandise. The changes will be made in the United States over the next few weeks.

-- (oops b@d. idea), April 13, 2001.


Ahh yes, America, land of the free....the brave....the sexually constipated.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), April 13, 2001.

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