President Bush today signed an executive order authorizing the national guard to start rounding up all liberals to be taken to appointed places of execution in each of the 50 states. Democrats in both the House and the Senate expressed shock and dismay over this latest controversial Bush tactic. It was their last gasp, as a mechanism was put into place for run-off elections in the states for their replacements. The text of Bush's speech at the press conference announcing the executive order folows:

"After a difficult time of deliberation, I have found it necessary to kill everyone that disagrees with my administration. The principles this country was founded upon have been bastardized by commie pinko liberals who think we actually have a responsibility to those less fortunate. I have never really cared about anybody less fortunate than myself, and they have been a drain on this system of government for far too long. They have failed to see the "One True Way", and as such must be eliminated as soon as possible. It creates great sorrow for me to have to make this declaration, as I had wished the liberals would have been assimilated. It will pain me greatly to have to do this, but it must be done, lest real freedom of thought and action become a reality.

I know many americans will think I have gone back on my word about reaching across the aisle. Well, it has been three months, and the democrats have not made any attempt to agree with me. This is unamerican, and diametrically opposed to our great constitution. Some may think this is a backlash to the cutback of my tax plan; it is not. I thought about this as early as two years ago, as I was putting together my platform to return this country back to its former greatness. I think you will agree that this is a major step in that direction.

We will be looking for volunteers for the mass firing squad executions scheduled. You can contact your local republican congressman and find out how to get involved in this sacred duty-to answer this call to restore the integrity of this white house. We should complete the round up within two weeks, and we expect no resistance, as liberals notoriously refuse to lay their life on the line for their beliefs, and very few own guns, anyway.

Once the executions have been completed, a special day of prayer and thanksgiving will be held in every church across the country. Soon we will be able to deploy the one true way throughout the land. In one way this is a very sad day for america; if only liberals had come around to the correct way of thinking, we could have avoided this. On the other hand, it is a day of great rejoicing, a victory for every man and woman who has ever gone to war to defend this great nation.

Thank you. And God Bless America.

-- Finally (it's@about.time), April 12, 2001

Answers

My goodness: finally, a sensible solution to the dissolution of our American values. God Bless Governor Bush!

-- Co-worker (why@ami.here), April 12, 2001.

This is supposed to be funny?

-- Buddy (buddydc@go.com), April 12, 2001.

Jeez...*I* laughed, Buddy. One of the new anons has been more subtly suggesting this same solution, but THIS anon knew the difference between their and there, so I know it wasn't the same person.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), April 12, 2001.

The day you pick up driving repugs start shooting people will be the shortest day of your lives. An American Liberal is in no way passive like a Jewish person from WWII. Its just like a repug to write this kind of trash. (Why do you repugs support a fascist like dictatorship anyway? while at the same time talking about Freedom, etc...)

-- Tony Baloney (No@way.com), April 12, 2001.

Cool. Can we start with Tarzan?

-- Maria (anony@mous.com), April 12, 2001.

Anita, we agree again. Wow twice in one week! LOL it's too funny.

and to the post above (which wasn't me) Yeah, where's is the little sucker?

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), April 12, 2001.

There is an old adage. If you are not liberal at 21, you haven't a heart. If you are not conservative at 50, you haven't head. Age teaches us the folly of collectivist notions.

Listening to C-SPAN this morning, I heard a liberal legislator waxing about our obligation to the poor, the weak, the everybody who doesn't make $250,000 a year.

The central government is a large milling machine that produces a pound of flour for every ton of wheat it's fed. The liberal wants to use this machine to feed the poor, seeing only the flour and the need. The conservative decries not only the horrible inefficiency of the machine... but realizes that giving bread little more than foster dependence. This is the tenacious lesson of the failed welfare system that finally was reformed (over liberal objections) in 1996.

I suggest a more fitting punishment for liberals. Make them manage a small business and deal with the government from the other side of the street.

-- Jose Ortega y Gasset (j_ortega_y_gasset@hotmail.com), April 12, 2001.

Tony Baloney cant grasp satire apparently, or he wrote the stupid post himself.

This piece of shit could have only come from the mind of a liberal socialist nitwit that wants everyone to think that this is what conservatives really want and believe.

Scare tatic propaganda no different than leftists telling everyone that conservatives want to pollute the air, dirty the water, poison children and kill old people.

The truth is we want leftists, socialists and marxist Americans to be relegated to irrelevant obscurity through people waking up and discovering just how stupid, laughable and harmful there ideology is to there freedom. We want them to become nothing more than examples to be laughed at, and to be remembered how dangerous they are to liberty.

-- Truthbenown (Upees@shit.com), April 12, 2001.

TruthBe:

They will never learn their lesson. That is why I present this solution. People like you make me proud to be a true american. If I only had the eloquence, the gift of your golden tongue, I would be a happier individual. Your concept of freedom is so dead on I have to wonder if you are James Madison or Thomas Jefferson reincarnated.

The future of "The true one way" will be totally secure if there are more people like you, and if people like you continue to post on widely read bulletin boards. We know of you, and we will find you and make a special offer. We want you as a spokesperson for the REAL america, and will be contacting you shortly. So keep up your target practice and your martial arts, as you will need them soon in your new position.

Keep up the good work, truthbe. You make all of us bluebloods especially grateful for being alive.

-- Finally (it's@about.time), April 12, 2001.

Finally,

It's the "One True Way" not the "True One Way". Please get it right next time.

Still hunkering Truthby?

-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), April 12, 2001.

Finally,

People like you make me sick to my stomach. You can shove your condesension way up your own ass.

-- Truthbenown (Upees@shit.com), April 12, 2001.

(snicker)

The replies are almost as funny as the post...

sniffin' the ground...

The Dog

-- The Dog (dogdesert@hotmail.com), April 12, 2001.

conservatives want to pollute the air, dirty the water, poison children and kill old people. There.

-- TimothyLeary (raised@fromthe.dead), April 12, 2001.

Truth be known, Maria is a liberal sympathiser. Put her name on the list! bwaaaahaaaa (she has been known to fuck liberals, just read some of her posts)

-- Your gonna (die@Maria.com), April 12, 2001.

Liberals want to tax the air, tax the water, tax children and tax old people. There.

-- All (liberals@must.die), April 12, 2001.

You forgot the sales tax on guns and the surtax on religion.

-- Jack Booted Thug (governmentconspiracy@NWO.com), April 13, 2001.

I missed this the first time around. Funny as hell...LOL

-- MIA (where@was.I), June 20, 2001.

I notice that the allegedly liberal posters tend to spell better, punctuate better and just plain write better than the allegedly conservative posters. I'm not saying that it is true in all cases, but it tends to be true for most given posters.

Hmm. What was that about public schools again?

And I notice that Maria is looking for an effective method of getting rid of Tarzan. If she could effectively counter what he posts, she'd do it, but she can't, so her only alternative is to wish him dead. Hilarious! If you can't beat 'em, execute 'em. Right, Maria?

Jose, I agree with your proposed punishment for liberals. It is obvious that liberals cannot run businesses, and Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream is strong evidence of that, wouldn't you say? How about we go your plan one better, and punish each conservative by canceling their medical insurance, confiscating all their assets, breaking both their legs (thereby landing them in a wheelchair) and then forcing them to apply for Federal assistance?

We can come up with a suitable punishment for Libertarians (like me) after we come up with suitable punishments for members of the Reform party.

-- Already Done Happened (oh.yeah@it.did.com), June 21, 2001.

"I notice that the allegedly liberal posters tend to spell better, punctuate better and just plain write better than the allegedly conservative posters." Yeah but can they (th libs) add or count change for their Big Mac's? No, as a matter of fact, the industry computerized it all for them. Already you are a bigger joke than the article. LOL

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), June 21, 2001.

Yeah but can they (th libs) add or count change for their Big Mac's? No, as a matter of fact, the industry computerized it all for them.

It seems I've missed yet ANOTHER memo.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), June 21, 2001.

We can come up with a suitable punishment for Libertarians (like me) after we come up with suitable punishments for members of the Reform party.

You mean Pat Buchanan isn't punishment enough???

-- (blah@bleh.bloh), June 21, 2001.

"...a suitable punishment for Libertarians ..."

That's easy.

First, we must set aside an ample reservation, much as our forefathers did for Native Americans. Choose the location with a similar eye for its economic potential. Make sure to destroy all evidence of government-funded infrastructure inside the reservation - to purify it of the taint of tax-funded boondoggles. Give them each a Bowie knife and a buckskin suit and turn them loose inside to found their utopia, free from all interference.

But if they anyone changes his mind and wants back out, they have to sign a contract to work for the government for free for 5 years.

-- Little Nipper (canis@minor.net), June 21, 2001.