I was a guest last night at an I-Group, a subgroup of a world organization, The Mankind Project.

It was an all male group of 10-11 guys averaging in their 40s. I was definitely the oldest, but that is true most places I go, including here. They were all straight except one, they were all white but they claim to be seeking minority men. Their professions ranged from auto mechanic to teacher to MD. The group was not Christian based altho we did meet in a church. There were a few shibboleths that reminded me of 12-step or human-potential groups that I attended in the 80s.

The meeting lasted 3 hours. It started with vaguely New Agey rituals such as invoking the spirits/energies of the East, South, West, North, Earth and Sky. This was followed by intense eye contact from each member to each other member. There was no breast thumping or spear chucking, altho they do call themselves warriors. There was brief masculine hugging. I looked and saw no ass grabbing.

We sat in a circle. One guy nominally led the group but it was really self-directed. There followed a 3 minute/man round robin of introductions and statements about their present situation. We broke for pee and then each guy had 15 minutes in which he interacted with the whole group on current issues in their lives. Typically these were family. job, health, relationships. There was anger, frustration etc. There was no crying or screaming. All very low-key and jocular.

The revening ended with a hetero group hug. I left feeling invigorated and supported. I intend to go at least once more meeting.

My question is: does anyone have experience with this or similar groups? Good or bad? I think this would have been very good for me 30 years ago but it might be good even now.

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), March 23, 2001

Answers

Buncha fags Lars. They want yer money and yer booty.

-- (MachoMan@YM.CA), March 23, 2001.

I don't know if you were looking for responses from the opposite gender, Lars, but I remember going on "Women's Weekend". It was so many years ago that I can't even tell you if it was before or after I'd had a child. I think it was sponsored by the YWCA.

Having grown up with two brothers and entering what was seen as a man's field [programming], I'd never really encountered other women on the level that I did that weekend. I had a GREAT time, and met several women of all colors that lived near to me. We played tennis, took walks, SOME women put on a play. *I* was too shy to engage in that, and I hadn't even realized that it was on the agenda until it happened.

I never spent more than three years smoking marijuana, but this "event" occurred during that time. One of the girls mentioned that she and her husband got high on occasion, and I offered her a toke or two from something I'd brought along. She'd said that she could judge when she'd had enough, and I trusted her on her word.

It's kindof funny [in retrospect], but when it came time to leave, this girl was nowhere to be found. She'd, apparently, flipped out on two tokes of a joint and by the time we found her she only had ME to blame. That was my first AND LAST experience at a "Women's Weekend". It WAS fun, though.

-- Anita (Anita_S3@hotmail.com), March 23, 2001.

No experience with such a group Lars. Neighbor guys come over on Saturday nites if there's a good fight I can get on the pirate box otherwise the male bonding thing is pretty much left to quail season. Once a year is plenty for these oldtime buds and the occasional newbie learns fast. A few days in the eastern Mojave and everybody's pretty much equal and that's what makes for bonding.

-- Carlos (riffraff@cybertime.net), March 24, 2001.

I've never participated in such an event, Lars. My brother's SO has attended weekend gatherings such as you described once or twice a year going back a decade or more. They are generically "New Age". The aim is to accomplish a deepened understanding of what is going in within and to break down barriers which men often place between each other. Usually he comes away from the experience better for it. He has achieved breakthroughs from time to time directly triggered by the gatherings.

My advice is to evaluate each experience over days & weeks, and proceed as long as there is value to be had from it. I will say I am a bit leary of invoking "spirits" in a group setting. Just a personal discomfort there.

-- Rich (howe9@shentel.net), March 24, 2001.

The experience is very similar to feminist women's consciousness raising groups of the early 70's and men and women's coed T=group consciousness groups of the 60's. Much to be learned there about intimacy until they started blending Reagan and Dukakis type judgments into their criticisms.

My lessons learned from all these experiences prompted me to skip down the sidewalk later drug free, hugging strangers and proseletyzing cab drivers.

The events may have seemed New Age but to me were also Biblical and evangelical in feeling and in North East South and West greetings approached Wiccan and pagan practice, very Old Age indeed. No criticism there -- I dig comparative ancient practices. Have fun, Lars. Go at least once a month at the time of the full moon, as many women's groups I know have evolved to do.

You can howl, too.

-- Oxsys (Makalani7788@aol.com), March 24, 2001.

Ah, group dynamics -

I'm sure you could figure that I'd give you a mixed reponse, Lars. Why not give yourself a limit of more than 'one more meeting' - to size up the group & your response within it. You can afford it at this stage of the game, right? {Make sure to pay attention to your gut instincts}. You know that you have much to offer & that in the offering there is often a greater gain, yet we are all 'only human'. Good luck.

This post of mine is inspired by our own group dynamic here, my happiness at 'seeing' you all, & a situtation that I don't quite know how to handle.

We've known a certain kid for about 13 years. From the outside, he's a good-enough kid, but his home life is fairly chaotic/nonexistant. Over the years, he's often called to see if he could come over. After staying a few days at a stretch, I used to wonder why his folks never even called to check on him. Ironically, they were usually consumed by their own religious retreats or Work.

Anyway, I'm going to cut to the chase here - during a long car ride yesterday, my son informed me that the reason I'd seen a sheriff's car on campus was that his friend had threatened to kill a classmate & that classmate had gone to the administration. Apparently he's routinely made remarks that he's going to shoot up the school, or certain groups & kids {including my own}.

Having had a pretty full plate of grieving this past year, I'm just about at a total loss here. I feel sorry for this kid, but neither my son nor I can gauge what he's actually capable of doing.

Any thoughts out there?

-- flora (***@__._), March 24, 2001.

Lars,

I have no experience with these kinds of groups. If you think is will be good for you, why not try again? Keep us updated, won't you?

Flora,

It is clear to me this poor child has been woefully neglected, save for your affections and hospitality. He sounds very troubled. I hope your community can offer him the resources to deal with his anger and hostility so he can get back to being a kid, if that is even possible now. It is clear to me he is just screaming for attention. And very sad, that the parents ignored their responsibilities, and now the child is paying for it. Very sad indeed. While he may appear to you to be "a good-enough kid" he obviously is not dealing well with his anger. For the kid's sake, I hope this was a wake-up call to his parents, and that they will now decide to be part of his life, over and above "their own religious retreats or Work". Clearly it is time for them to evaluate themselves and their actions if they are to help their chilld, albeit late. Let us know what happens to him, won't you?

-- Aunt Bee (Aunt__Bee@hotmail.com), March 24, 2001.

Thanks Aunt Bee, will do.

-- flora (***@__._), March 25, 2001.

Thanks to everyone for your replies. It's the sort of varied response that I wanted.

Yes, I will take it slow. I might also look into a different group. I liked all the guys in this group but it was quite a commute and the meeting was held in the basement--they had to help me up and down the stairs. Don't know if they could smell me soiling my drawers.

The spirit-invoking didn't please me either. Mostly because I don't relate to that stuff..

Flora, was this a HS "campus" or a college campus? With all that's been happening lately, this type of talk can't be ignored.

I think April 22 is the 2nd anniversary of Columbine. I expect will hear about that over and over for the next month.

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), March 25, 2001.

Lars, I've never been comfortable with group encounters, but if you feel that it would be of benefit to you, stick with it for awhile. I know the format has helped a number of men. I'd rather relate one-to- one or in a small group. My brother and an old friend from high school and I try to take at least one fishing trip together during the spring. We fish. We talk. The women tease us about our male bonding rite, but I think they're just jealous. 8-)

-- (kb8um8@yahoo.com), March 25, 2001.

Hey Lars,

Thanks for being patient with me makin' your thread muddy. I agree that this talk can't be ignored these days. I don't have much confidence in the administration. There was more to the story above {of course}. Several more threats; kids not wanting to rat anybody out & functioning in a terrified state. Bee has nailed a part of it - the parents have dropped the ball for a good looking, charming young man who is having trouble fitting in. It's left me with a range of emotions, as you might imagine.

Thanks for the heads up on Columbine. The 'Mothers from Hell' grapevine that I tapped this weekend reports that one of the administrators claims they are watching 6 or 7 individuals as it is. The health teachers already seem to be into 'profiling' - which kinda turns my stomach, to tell you the truth.

My original high school in LA had metal detectors & a lockdown type of environment to keep the druglords & gangbangers at bay. They were around anyway, but there was a feeling of 'safety' because I knew they were looking for each other & not for me. My son says 'Mom, the violence was different in your day'.

It doesn't seem possible here.

I'm rambling again...

PS - if you stick with your group, maybe you could help introduce some poetry in place of the 'medicine wheel' type stuff.

-- flora (***@__._), March 25, 2001.

Flora--

Poet Robert Bly (Iron John) is a big male-bonder, at least he was. I think he started a group (not this one) in the 80s.

-- Lars (larsguy@yahoo.com), March 25, 2001.