Gavin de Becker/Violence Issues : LUSENET : notestoall : One Thread

Has anyone else ever read either of his books? Any books you recommend?

-- Renee (, January 30, 2001


I MEANT recommend on the subject.

-- Renee (, January 30, 2001.

One of the problems most women have is this: If they decide they have to learn self defense, deep down they are giving up the illusion they had that their family or husband or boyfriend would protect them. The illusion of some knight in shining armor sweeping down to save them, is gone forever.

A woman that has been raped or violated or hurt has already HAD the illusion shattered and this is why you will find that the majority of women who actually TOOK self defense classes has already been hurt. The rest of us are walking around with our heads in the clouds.

-- Renee (, January 31, 2001.

I have not read those books and am no expert, but as a great grandad and grandad I surely want to follow what is said here.

-- Denver doug (, January 30, 2001.

I have Gift of Fear, bookmark is probably just past the middle, haven't finished it. Now it has been so long I don't remember what I read. I know I thought as I read 'how true'.

-- Bonnie (, January 30, 2001.

Hey Renee!

I haven't read these, although I've heard of them and they're on my "to read" list. I wish I'd had them years ago. We had a problem in the family with a "predator" type and these books would probably have helped a lot. Hey, I like the forum!

-- Sandy (, January 30, 2001.


In Johnston Co. there is an organization called "Interact" - which counsels women who have been raped or who have been affected by domestic violence. I don't know if they offer any preventative classes - I would hope so. The last I heard, they were having a difficult time raising the money to stay in business though. I would be very interested in talking with you further about what might be possible to do in this area - this is something I've felt VERY strongly about for a long time. For the record, I think you are absolutely right to be studying and trying to raise your daughters to be safe. I am thankful I didn't have girls - that's a sad thing to say - but true. Let's talk about this further.


-- Sandy (, January 31, 2001.

Yes Sandy. Let's check into these things. I was hoping I'd get some "local" help. *grin*

-- Renee (, January 31, 2001.

I'll probably mangle this as i have a babe-in-lap and I'm typing one handed...

I Think the big issue boils down to trust. If you can't trust your husband/father, who can you trust? I get angry when i hear people use religion as an excuse for their behaviour - especially men. They haven't read the rest of the verses they are quoting.

As for violence issues ,we can all do something, and that is teach those around us. Even if we don't have children, we do have people in our sphere of influence that we can direct. Men and women both can teach their sons and daughters to be repectfull of one another. Treat each other as you would be treated. Pretty simple.

Back to trust - we can also make sure we are worthy of other's trust.

I have those same fears, Renee, as i have 3 girls and a boy. I think you knew that... and i do agree that we CAN prepare them all for any situations. They should also be able to trust in themselves to be able to deal with them. And when all else fails, there's God, even when it seems He's not around.

enough for now... arm hurts.

-- Andrea (, February 01, 2001.

When doing my daily journal surfing I came across this entry. Here are my two cents.

I believe violence (to anything or anyone) is a just like going to the potty, it is learned in childhood. We are taught that hitting is the only way to get someone to stop or start doing something when we "spank" our children. I was spanked, my wife was spanked, but to this day (some sixteen years plus), I have never "spanked" my children. I have yelled, beaten my chest, timed them out, restricted, held my breathe, but have never used my hand against them as a teaching method. Politicians and evangelist can blame television, music, modern culture, anything other than the person who looks back at us when we brush our teeth. To quote Pogo "We have met the enemy and he is us."

We may have learned from our parents, but we are the ones who will ultimately pass it, or not pass it on.

-- cmh (, February 02, 2001.

Well now that's another issue entirely. I grew up getting the crap beat out of me. I don't abuse my kids but I also give them a swat on the rear if they aren't listening to me. My daughter Alix is actually much more upset if I yell at her than if I give her a spank.

-- Renee (, February 02, 2001.

My brood are also more perturbed by a talking-to than a spanking. And yelling is useless. We waste time raising our voice when we should be asserting our authority in meaningful ways -- not necessarily a spanking but in actions not just loud words.

Anyway, on topic, de Becker is brilliant. I recommend The Gift of Fear and give it as a present to people all of the time. There isn't a word in that book that shouldn't be taken directly to heart.

-- Dreama (, February 03, 2001.

You know Dreama, I tell people to read this book all the time. I tell them that it may well save their lives one day. Do you think the majority of the people have read it? No. People live in such denial of what could happen to them. They see it on the news, they read about it in the paper yet they still deny. It drives me crazy.

-- Renee (, February 04, 2001.

Let me start off by saying that I have read Gavin De Beckers "The Gift of Fear" and could not recommend this book highly enough. I am a third degree black belt in Hapkido, and have taught Womens Self Defence, so I have seen the effects that violence and the fear of violence can have on people.

While obviously I would recommend martial arts as a way to empower yourself and avoid being a victim, the point of any self defence class is much the same as De Beckers book. That is, to avoid situations where you are likely to become a victim. You may have heard someone say I learned martial arts so I don't have to fight. This statement is very true when applied to self defence. Any good self defence course will teach you first how to avoid potentially dangerous situations, and second, how to defend yourself should you have no alternative.

I believe that "The Gift of Fear" handles the first part better than any other text I have ever read. It is very much about empowering yourself, by learning to trust yourself. Humans have a tendancy to discount what we feel right away, because of social pressures about appearing rude, or because "logic" might dictate otherwise. In De Beckers book, he very thoroughly covers how to learn to listen to your instincts, evaluate a situation, and avoid violence in your life. Let's face it, if we never have to be in a situation where we need to physically defend ourselves, isn't that the best option?

If you would like to discuss this further, feel free to drop me a line,

-- Shaun Morrison (, September 11, 2002.

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