Ladies and Gentlemen, the story you are about to read is true. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. It was Thursday, September 13, and it was warm in Boise. We were working the day watch investigating a traffic accident. My partner's Frank Smith. My name is Boz Friday. With a combined total of 17 years with the Sheriff's Department, we assumed we were prepared for anything and seen it all. We were wrong! At 8:43 am we arrived on the accident scene. It went undiscovered for several hours because the VW pickup was over a steep embankment. The Mexican driver was unhurt, incoherent, and still behind the wheel with a death grip. That's what probably saved his life. The statement he gave us was one of horror, intrigue, and later envy. Wednesday night 11:45 pm, Juan Hernandez was traveling south on US 95 5 miles north of Horshoebend. Rounding a curve, his headlights caught the object in his lane 200 yds. ahead. The description he give us was that it was six feet long, three feet across, angry red, wearing a vintage WW2 German helmet and able to move at lightning speed in all directions. Mr. Hernandez's hands shook uncontrollably as his story unfolded. When the object's head reared up Cobra-like, he swerved to avoid the imminent collision. That's all he could remember. Frank and I picked up the suspect's trail on the northbound fog line. The marks were similar to the wet dew on an early morning windshield but with the consistency of maple syrup. Trails end came at just inside the city limits. 9:50am and right up to the door of room 8 of the Hi-Liter Motel. The gentleman that answered the door identified himself as Willis T. Upshaw from Kentucky. Upon entering the room, we immediately noticed the suspect on the twin bed. It was almost motionless except for the slight lurching action caused by it's snoring. Frank drew the blankets back while I covered him. And there it was, the biggest damn penis I ever laid my eyes on. Mr. Upshaw reported that he awoke sometime after 10:30 pm to go the bathroom and somehow it just slipped out of his hands! Before he could gather himself, it slid across the floor and out the window. On a number of occasions he said his dick had gotten loose, but had always returned in a short time with no problem. Upshaw stated he was at the accident only 5 minutes after it happened! Upon seeing the cuts and bruises, he cellphoned for a wrecker and small flat-bed trailer to remove his penis, but before the service could arrive, it headed back to town unassisted. Because of the embarrassing circumstances, that's were I ended the report and filed it in the old circular. Frank and I decided this fell ito some kind of UFO category and who would believe us? Something like this you just always remember but try hard to forget.

-- Boswell (fundown@thefarm.net), January 12, 2001

Answers

God I hate answerin my own post but I was so damn proud of this literary work of art that I just had to bring it up again. This whole story could have actually happened if you just think about it. Imagine what the Japanese could of done with this plot. The Dick That Got Rearended By The Staten Island Ferry or The Penis That Devoured Pittsburgh! Just tryin to make this holiday a little brighter!

-- Boswell (fundown@thefarm.net), January 15, 2001.

Dumb and Dumber

-- (lol@2.morons), January 15, 2001.

Speakin of ferries, did you hear the story about the sperm whale they found on the beach last week in the state of Washington? It had massive trauma around it's tail and stern section. The Coast Guard and port authorities in Seatle determined that it probably swam inland and got rear ended by the Seattle-Bremerton Ferry!

-- Boswell (fundown@thefarm.net), January 15, 2001.