Tips for Northerner Visiting the South (Humor)

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THIS IS A HUMOROUS PIECE. PLEASE DON'T TAKE ANY OF THIS PERSONALLY. IT IN NO WAY REFLECTS MY VIEWS OR THE VIEWS OF ANYONE I KNOW.

I just thought it was funny as hell.....

I thought you may understand us "southerners" a little better after reading this!!

Issued by the Southern Tourism Bureau to ALL visiting Northerners and Northeastern Urbanites:

1) Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

2) Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

4) We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g., Welty, Williams, Faulkner.) We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

5) We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI World Com, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g., Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

6) Don't laugh at our War For Southern Independence a.k.a. Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.

7) If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

8) We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

9) Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits either or we'll kick your ass.

10) Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

11) Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited Northern hell holes like Detroit, Chicago, and DC, and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

12) Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We speak this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now go away or we'll kick your ass.

13) Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back into Boston Harbor.

14) Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am," hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

15) So you think we're quaint or losers because most of us live in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or Baltimore. Make fun of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

16) Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook Barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our sacred BBQ, and you go home in a pine box-minus your ass.

Yall come back now, ya hear?? :-)

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 12, 2001

Answers

Biscuits w/sausage gravy has to be one of the most repulsive nonfood concoctions a person could be subjected to - especially prior to 8:00am. The mere sight of this mess sends me out of the room.

Biscuits themselves are not digestible. The texture is all wrong. The taste is akin to the paste we ate as kids in art class.

The NC men I came to know judged women as to their fitness for marriage based upon the ladies' homemade biscuit prowess. Next in priority was land ownership followed by having all or most of their teeth.

I moved from NJ to NC in 1993. I went into a diner in the little town of Elizabeth City, NC one morning for breakfast. Opening the menu, my eyes moved to the first breakfast selection:

Pork brains and eggs

I read it several times to make sure I was not hallucinating. I waited patiently - I was actually paralyzed with fear - for the repetetive shudders to cease cascading down my spine, ordered coffee and chain smoked until it was time to leave for work.

Then there were the conversations overheard regarding roasting squirrels...and arguments over who would get to crack open their heads and suck out the brains - raw. I soon understood why there were so few squirrels to be seen.

-- Rich (howe9@shentel.net), January 12, 2001.


Rich

You obviously have not experienced the biscuit and sausage gravy platter at Manny's Restaraunt in Flagler Beach. For a $1.65, it is a culinary masterpiece!! The perfect fix for that morning hangover...

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 12, 2001.


3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke.

As a transplanted Northerner, I had a real problem with this one. I'd be at a restaurant and order a Coke and they'd ask me "What kind?" (Huh?). Or I'd be at a friends house and accept an offer for a 'Coke' and they'd immediately ask if I wanted Mountain Dew or Pepsi. (once again, Huh?)It was a long time before somebody finally explained to me that a Coke didn't necessarily mean a Coke.

Favorite bumper sticker: Welcome to Florida. Now leave.

Deano- I'm curious if this is true... I've heard a transplanted Northerner is considered a Damned Yankee only for their first year of residence. After that, the word "Damned" is supposed to be dropped.

-- CD (costavike@hotmail.com), January 12, 2001.


3) Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it.

Hee hee, oh helllll no.... I go thru this every time I go to visit my sisters in Chattanooga.!!! thanks for the laugh Deano. :-0

Waffle House,,,,kicks ass!!! Hubby will stop at each one heading south. While in Florida 2 years ago, I ate there every evening they knew my name, they were great!!

Rich, you have never tasted my gravy. Bacon or Pork Chop gravy is the BOMB.......

And banana puddin, yummmmmyyyyy!!!

Guess its a southern thang.

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), January 12, 2001.


Rich-

You just haven't had the right biscuits yet. Breakfast is a serious meal here, but if you ever need a quick meal, you can't beat Chik-Fil- A's chicken biscuit. Hot, cheap, and good as all git out!

CD-

Reminds me of an incident I had in Miami. I had gone to Miami with some friends from college for spring break. We had a cheapie hotel room of the type designed for college students (i.e., with washable walls), but one evening we refrained from our debauchery to visit the older sister of one of our group. Her apartment was in South Beach, which should tell you something right there, mucho dinero, very urbane. Our hostess was taking drink orders from all of us, and I asked if she had any Coke. She exchanged a quick look with her husband. Her eyebrows shot up, her back stiffened, and she crossed her arms. She said to me in a voice that could have cut glass, "We don't do that anymore," Boy did she ever look embarassed when I said a Pepsi would do.

They say Florida is the one state where you have to go north to get south...

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), January 12, 2001.



Oh wow, Waffle House is like your parents house. No matter what condition you're in, they have to take you. You can be drunk, stoned, covered in blood, whatever, and anytime of the day or night get your hasbrowns scattered, covered, smothered, chunked, and topped.

I have spent the tailend of some of the longest nights of my life sucking down Waffle House coffee just watching the weirdest people in the south watching me. And no matter how much effort they put into it, no Waffle House restaurant ever looks completely clean, I think they're built with a Greasy Spoon decor. Oh but they'll feed you all right, and they'll leave you alone, so long as you pay by cash (no credit!).

If you ever want to examine the human condition, go sit in a Waffle House outside some tiny town like Waycross for a few hours from about midnight on. The whole freaking parade of humanity, every permutation you can imagine, will come to you.

-- Tarzan the Ape Man (tarzan@swingingthroughthejunglewithouta.net), January 12, 2001.


Tarz: I am ROLLIN on the floor over the coke comment.

OMG. How funny.

Um, did ya ask her how come she dont do it no more? :-0 just kiddin, although I probably would have. evil one that i am ;-(

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), January 12, 2001.


CD

I'll have to check into that 'damn yankee' thing. That's funny!!

The 'coke' thing still holds true today. It's ALL called coke. No exceptions!!

Tarzan - that 'coke' story was hillarious!!!

Believe it or not, as southern as I am, the woman of my dreams (who I married 3 years ago) hails from Liberty, NY. Her folks live down in St Augustine now, but her mom's still got that ear-piercing 'YANKEE' accent. Sometimes, when she get's to yackin', I just have to leave the room......

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 12, 2001.


Old Texas Joke:

Do you know the difference between a "Yankee" and a "Damn Yankee"?

A "Yankee" comes to visit and then goes home.

A "Damn Yankee" comes to visit and stays.

-- Nadine Zint (nadine@hillsboro.net), January 12, 2001.


Now biscuits with sausage gravy is a delight if properly prepared..but how many remember the army version...S O S...

-- justa ponderin (and remembering an army bre@k.fast), January 12, 2001.


Riddle:

What has 3 teeth and six breasts?

The night shift at the Waffle House.

-- Blue Johnson (Blue Johnson@member.net), January 12, 2001.


My Southern experience is very limited. I had to go to a conference once in Atlanta, the Peachtree was nice.

Climbed the back of Stone Mountain in the Winter, and MAN it was cold for "the South".

I ate at an Ethiopian restaurant (this is the point of the post) that was quite an experience. I found the place by driving through the city and pulling over at random, kinda, when I got hungry (my usual pattern). When I walked in to the place, conversation in the restaurant just *stopped* like in an E.F. Hutton commercial. The waiter came over and said (paraphrased), "you're not from around here, are you?" I said, "No, and if I'm not wanted, I'm out." He said, "no, no, it's just unusual".

The food was good, and I hope Jesse Jackson didn't work there, but as a single incident it sure cured me any desire I may have had to move South. I suppose as a *real* indicator, it's about as accurate as a country boy judging a city by being mugged on his first visit, but there it is just the same. I do like biscuits and gravy, though, and if Waffle House's are yellow-ish and brown fast food-ish looking places, I've even eaten at one.

Frank

-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), January 12, 2001.


The biscuits and gravy thing has been a running joke with me since I moved to the south. Ya gotta find the needle and that one's effective. Good food is anything one likes to eat. Period.

I always win favor down here by stating my favorite shooter is Jim Beam. Maybe that's a good idea for a thread...

-- Rich (howe9@shentel.net), January 12, 2001.


Everybody knows Florida is full of fags and bluehairs. They're too limp-wristed to WIPE our asses, let alone KICK them.

-- Northerners (laughing@beach.bunnies), January 12, 2001.

yumm biscuits and gravy Though there is an art to making them properly I think, because I've had some lousy biscuits and some nasty gravy

So Rich, does this mean you don't like biscuit dough? Gasp -the horror!

-- (cin@cin.cin), January 13, 2001.



Did you ever wonder why dog treats are called Biscuits? Because biscuits are not meant for human consumption. Woof!

For what is biscuit dough used, cin? How does it differ from the baked end product? Do you eat it in its raw state? Use it to apply wallpaper? Your question does not compute. All circuits are busy. :)

-- Rich (howe9@shentel.net), January 13, 2001.


This very northern boy loves traditional biscuits and gravy. In fact, everything that I've ever had that could be described as "southern cooking" is great. I don't know of anything that qualifies as "northern cooking", except for lutefisk, which makes me wretch.

-- Bemused (and_amazed@you.people), January 13, 2001.

Rich I love to eat dough; biscuit dough, cookie dough, etc. I know it's weird but I'm a weird person and hey they even made an ice cream out of it.

hmmmm ...choc chip biscuit dough ice cream...now there's a thought

does this mean you don't like bisquick dumplings?! quelle horreur

I guess we all have different tastes (i guess!) =)

-- (cin@cin.cin), January 13, 2001.


laughin@beach.bunnies

You do not hide your envy very well at all. Please come down and collect your family members and we will be rid of the fags and bluehaireds. Feel free to stop at Stuckey's for a world famous pecan log roll on your way home.

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 15, 2001.


Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio.

Huh? What about white toast? I ate at a Cracker Barrel once. Bob Evans is a lot better for that type of chain restaurant.

-- (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 15, 2001.


Deano, are there any Stuckey's left? The last one I knew became a "Flying J" truck stop. I'm not sure there are any left in Ohio.

-- (kb8um8@yahoo.com), January 15, 2001.

kb8

I believe there are a few left down here (not many). I've noticed a few of them closed down too. Where else can you get 10 t-shirts for $2.00??

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthbeach.com), January 15, 2001.


Too funny! thanks Deano

Has anyone ever heard of red chiffon cake? When I asked a southern what was in it (to make it red), I was expecting some wonderful combination of strawberries and cream. The answer, red coloring. Hmmm now that makes me say yum. Actually I understand it is a very good dessert. And I can take pecan pie anyday.

Ever notice how the southerns say regular? reg'la

My SO spent a lot of time in Tenn a few years back. He ordered some ice tea in a restaurant. The waitress said, "swate tea". His reply, "What's in it?" She said, "Shuga, Ya'll not from 'round 'ere, are ya?"

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), January 15, 2001.


Maria

That's pretty good phonics there!! I know folks who sound just like you typed it.

'swate tea' and 'shuga'. LOL!

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 16, 2001.


It's my firm opinion that the southern accent is at it's very "thickest" in Tennessee. I think back to the first time I travelled to the South. We pulled over to eat at a truck stop near Memphis and I remember being so surprised at hearing this "unique" accent that I literally began laughing out loud when the waitress asked for our order. I was looking forward to listening to this heavy accent during the rest of my trip to Florida, but was rather disappointed to see it became progressively "watered down" the further south I went.

Years later I had the distinct displeasure of living near Memphis for 5-6 years. It took months before I could translate what the hell they were trying to say with their slurred words such as; "Mom'n'em" [= Mom and them = family], "Yant to?" [= Do you want to?], "Jeet"? [= Did you eat?] and the constantly repeated; "Fittin to" [= "fixing to" = getting ready]. It also took me months to break myself of finishing their sentences for them. I couldn't help it. T h e y - t a l k e d - s o - d a m n - s l o w w w w !

-- CD (costavike@hotmail.com), January 16, 2001.


CD: you bring back sooo many memories. Soooo slow, yep, and they get pissed cuz we talk to fast.

From one yank to nuther.

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), January 17, 2001.


CD

I believe proper Southern English would go "jeetyet". Yes, that makes much more sense.........

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 18, 2001.


Dunno, Deano -

I'll hafta weigh in with CD - to the untrained ear it sounds like an extended single syllable, in a double or triple ascending pitch - 'jeet?'.

{jeweet - d'dyoueat? {the yet is merely implied}}

-- flora (***@__._), January 18, 2001.


flora

I believe you are correct, the 'yet' is implied and understood.

How many of yall use 'tump'? I checked a 1974 Webster's and tump wasn't in there. However, tump is in the 1993 American Heritage. I see we made a little progress in those 19 years......:-)

Pretty soon, EVERYONE will be talkin' like us......

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 18, 2001.


Some tips for Northerners relocating to the South:

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pickup with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself.

5. Remember: “Y’all is singular.” “All y’all is plural.” All y’all’s” is plural possessive.

6. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?”

7. Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either.

8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol,” as in “big ol truck,” or “big ol boy.” “Fixin’” as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store” is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd.

9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!” Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear.**

11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased.

12. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating.

13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December.

14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do.

15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

16. Be advised that in the South, “He needed killin” is a valid defense.

(**Side note: Number 10 reminds me of the NHTSB study of the last words of drivers in fatal accidents. Seems in 49 states, the last words were almost always, "Oh shit!". In Texas, it was something like, "Hold my beer while I try this.....")

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), January 19, 2001.


Pat: ROFLMAO....um, pat, hold this will ya? :=) lmao.

-- asumer (shh@aol.con), January 19, 2001.

LOL Patricia. I could have really used those tips a couple years ago.

A question for any southerner who may be reading this thread. Do you y'all find the yankee phrase -"you guys"- irritating? While living near Memphis I was "corrected" a number of times when I used that phrase while referring to a group which included females. Inevitably, the females would make a point of saying; "I am NOT a "guy"!

-- CD (costavike@hotmail.com), January 19, 2001.


Patricia,

Not to doubt the veracity of these tips, but I have been led to believe that all Southern advice ends with: "or we'll kick your ass". Have you found this not to be the case?

Frank

P.S. They were funny though...

-- Someone (ChimingIn@twocents.cam), January 19, 2001.


Frank: quiet or......i'll kick yer ass :-)

-- sumer (shh@aol.con), January 19, 2001.

An easy way to tell a cracker from recent transplants and yankees is how they pronounce "Miami", if it sounds like "Miamee" they are northerners, if it sounds like "Miamah" they are crackers.

Favorite bumpersticker: "Not all of us are on vacation"

Runner up: "Armed native, stay back 500 feet"

Also, if you are moving to Florida Via I-95 driving the largest U- Haul they rent (which has a top speed while towing a car of about 45 MPH) and have been behind the wheel for 20 hours and you are very tired and desperately need to get a room and some sleep and it is really late at night and you are a driving zombie, do NOT stop at a place called The Swamp Fox Inn. Trust me on that one.

-- Uncle Deedah (unkeed@yahoo.com), January 19, 2001.


Frank, according to Deano, that would seem to be the case. But I read this one as being from the perspective of a transplanted Northerner directed towards other Northerners who might think of "transplanting".

Though one wonders why s/he wouldn't have mentioned that "ass- kicking" thing ..... seems like it might be important :-)

'Sumer, ROTFLMAO.....

-- (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), January 19, 2001.


Now....now....

I specifically said this was all in fun (yall should know better!). Granted, there are some real assholes down here (as there are everywhere it seems nowadays), but most of us Southern folk (accordin' to my Momma) are A O Kay.

Really....I swear!!

Deano

-- Deano (deano@luvthebeach.com), January 19, 2001.


I lived in rural Virgnia for a year back in the 60's. I never saw a pancake house or any other place stay open past 10 pm. Either the place has changed or you people are all fakes. Or both, I suspect. Wise up: Southie, south Bronx and south Jersey aren't normally considered part of the south.

-- al from cal (allenrb@ix.netcom.com), February 09, 2001.

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