Noah versus the Bureaucratsgreenspun.com : LUSENET : Countryside : One Thread
This is good social commentary, and not meant to be anything more.
It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lighting, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I go into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the US Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owl. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plan. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious event and, therefore, unconstitutional.
I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
Just then the sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord."
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
-- Doreen (email@example.com), January 10, 2001
I just love it sad thing it is so true today .Building a barn this spring out of timber I had cut on my own place. Was told I had to give them a site plan and $75 for a permit . What they need with a site plan god only knows as I live on 118acers . Indiana Country Friend Jack Bunyard
-- jack Bunyard (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 10, 2001.
Ahhhh, but don't give up on the government so easily, Doreen.
The incoming administration will reclassify the Ark as a war vessel and take over its construction. It will be armed to the teeth and cost twice as much as the original specifications. The crew will be enticed aboard with a long awaited pay raise. All the animals will be certified USDA Choice. And don't worry about the owl. He's taken the place of the dove on the Ark. After all. You don't want a dove on a war ship.
See? The government can do it all. (God help us)
-- Craig Miller (CMiller@ssd.com), January 11, 2001.
Craig, now that's funny. Love it, got a really good chuckle, too bad it is so true.
-- diane (email@example.com), January 11, 2001.
That was good, Craig. Very, very good!
-- Doreen (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 11, 2001.
"An elephant is a mouse built to government specifications." - Robert Heinlein
-- Soni (email@example.com), January 11, 2001.
Bravo! Now can we go. Its raining. LOL
-- Kenneth in N.C. (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 12, 2001.
Noah, Part II OR Your Order of Sauce is Ready, Mr. Gander
So a year later The Lord comes back and says, "Noah, I'm still unhappy with the way the world is going, so I'm going to give you another year to build an Ark before I make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. Try to do a better job this time"
So, learning from his past mistakes, Noah set about his task again.
A year later The Lord sent a dozen of the Heavenly Host down to Earth to find out what progress had been made. Only ten came back, and some of them were slightly singed.
"What's the meaning of this?", demanded JHVH-1. "Did you encounter some of Lucifer's demons?"
"No, Boss", said Michael. "It's just that the Strategic Defense Initiative missiles thought most of us were warheads from rogue nations and tried to shoot us down. They missed most of us, but we lost Ariel and Asoreth."
And God Waxed Roth. Then Roth waxed God. Eventually, His Bigness decided to punish the Earth for this outrage and descended from on high with the intention of drowning the entire planet.
Imagine his surprise when, upon arriving on Earth, he found the planet already largely submerged and dead. The only living being was Noah, forlornly floating on a moth-eaten, diminished Ark filled with dead animals and bailing water out as fast as possible.
"Noah", said The Lord, "What has happened here?"
"Well", said Noah, "I tried to do things differently this time. Instead of using a bunch of overpaid, lazy American carpenters, I contracted out the construction of the Ark to a Mexican holding company that paid workers $1.00 an hour for 12-hour days with no expensive benefits. And because of NAFTA I didn't have to worry about OSHA, the Environmental Protection Agency, the ACLU or even common decency."
God nodded, while quietly marking Noah down for some remedial Bible study.
"So production was up and costs were down and everything looked pretty good until I opened the Wall Street Journal one day and found out that the Mexican holding company had been acquired in a hostile takeover by Octopus Corporation. The next day I got a memo from the Board of Directors informing me that while I would stay on as Project Manager, the rest of my family had been fired (they called it "rightsizing"). They also said that since the takeover bid had caused Octopus Corp. to accumulate a lot of debt, my Species Recruitment budget had been cut in half and I could only have one of each Kind."
"That's absurd", roared The Almighty. "That defeats my whole plan!"
"Well", sighed Noah, "They said the economy was in a slump and everybody had to do some belt-tightening to keep Octopus Corp. competitive. Then they gave the CEO a $20 million dollar bonus."
"I hope you showed them the error of their ways!", rumbled the Big G.
"I tried, O Omnisicient One, but they trotted out an army of expensive lawyers and sued me for breach of contract. I tried to take the story to the media, but all the big media companies were owned by guys who were also on the board of Octoups Corp. and none of them would run the story. So I set up a web site with plans of the Ark and your original instructions, but they filed a complaint under the Digital Millenium Copyright Act [this is a real law, by the way, kids] and the FBI arrested me and shut down the web site."
"But didn't you appeal that ruling?"
"It went to the Supreme Court, which ruled 5 to 4 that any additional discussion of the issue would reduce public confidence in Octopus Corporation's ability to run the Ark."
"But what about all these holes in the Ark?"
"I'm coming to that", said Noah. "By the time all the appeals had been exhausted, acid rain had eaten away at a lot of the wood. And then there was the NRA.."
"What did THEY have to do with it?"
"Well, the sent me some letter that said something about their constitutional right to arm bears and the next thing I knew the grizzlys and polar bears were running around shooting holes in the Ark with Glocks and Uzis."
"Is that how all the animals died?"
"No, that happened because Tyson Foods fed them lots of antibiotics to accelerate their growth. They all caught an antibiotic-resistant form of Swine Flu and died."
God sighed. "And the flood?"
"Oh, that", mumbled Noah. "Global warming."
The rest is silence.
-- The_Doge of St. Louis (email@example.com), August 25, 2001.