Wife Jokes (GP)

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Now, before you ladies jump on me, my sister sent these to me:

Remember, marriage is the number one cause of divorce. It's TRUE! Statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage!

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18-months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning God created earth and rested. The God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law.

Young son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every county, son.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classified: "Wife wanted." Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife is an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive."

How do most men define marriage? An expensive way to get laundry done for free.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "Don't know son, I'm still paying."

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), January 06, 2001


Those are cute Ken....

-- diane (gardiacaprines@yahoo.com), January 06, 2001.

Ken,I knew before I even opened the door that this was going to be yours.You are getting too predictable in your advanced age,you old troublemaker, you.

Well, not even a little rise outta me-heard them all before.

What can I say....you've left me speechless.

Nick says,yeah,that'll be the day.

OK...so I'm just not in the mood.Got a headache!

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), January 06, 2001.

Some real gems there for sure. I especially got a kick out of the bigamy one.

I recently read that a top Russian official wanted his country to allow all men to have multiple marriages. A maximum of five wives was suggested. The thought was that this would help boost the country's waning population. Other officials shot the idea down quickly. I told a co-worker about this and she quickly suggested that they just allow the Chinese across thier borders for repopulation efforts.

It is sad at what has happened in Russia. The average lifespan for men is now just 59 years, in the 70s for women. Ken you ol' bachelor, there are a lot of lonely women over there.

-- Notforprint (Not@thekeyboard.com), January 06, 2001.

My understanding of the Russian situation is ethnic Russians have less than zero population growth. I know woman outnumber men by a higher percentage than the U.S., but five to one? I also understand the low average death age for men is primarily due to alcoholism, coupled with a poor diet.

While I may live alone, I don't live lonely. There is a huge difference!

-- Ken S. in WC TN (scharabo@aol.com), January 06, 2001.

Ken, you said "I know woman outnumber men by a higher percentage than the U.S., but five to one?" That is why they die young - scared to death they will be caught. :>)

-- JLS in NW AZ (stalkingbull007@AOL.com), January 06, 2001.

Loved it even got a laugh from the hubby, Keep them comming. Lisa

-- Lisa in TX (wtxhomestead@safezone.net), January 06, 2001.

JLS, the 5 to 1 ratio was only the figure suggested for marriages. The actual number is more like 7 to 1. I can't seem to find the correct ratio now, but in the area that was the USSR territory it is stated that there are some 20 million more women than men.

Also I errored in that I said the average lifespan for men was 59. What I read now says 54.

-- Notforprint (Not@thekeyboard.com), January 06, 2001.

Hee hee, funny funny, funny! Here's one for ya Ken......

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In deaths' agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths' agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left the world a happy man?

Mastering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wonderous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, shakingly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

-- Annie (mistletoe@earthlink.net), January 06, 2001.

Ohhhh Annie...that's a real keeper! Ken, your's are good too, but I already saw those. Thanks guys!

-- Doreen (animalwaitress@excite.com), January 06, 2001.

Hey Ken that was great, you really help me tonight my husband is always telling me that females are always male bashing, thank you I should him that I not only will read male bashing but hey I do read some female bashing, LOL. Thanks God Bless.

-- tracy emily in TN (emilyfarms@tsixroads.com), January 06, 2001.

I'm giggling here. I like funny things. More funnies please.

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), January 07, 2001.

Ken, thanks for the laugh!

-- Lenore (archambo@winco.net), January 07, 2001.

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