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[b]2000: THE YEAR IN REVIEW [/b]

¤ Under pressure to do something about car accidents involving cell phones, the industry-backed Cell Phone Safety Council launches a public service campaign urging users to "scream like hell" before impact, thereby alerting callers on the other end that there is some kind of trouble.

¤ In response to AMD's new 1 gigahertz (1,000 megahertz) chip, Intel says it has developed a 1,001 MHz chip, but AMD downplays the announcement, saying its 1,000 MHz chip really runs at 1,002 MHz. Intel releases a statement claiming there was a typo in its previous announcement, and that the 1,001 MHz chip really runs at 1,003 MHz.

¤ A spokesman at AMD says the company will not comment about Intel's latest claim, explaining executives are too busy boxing up AMD's new 1,004 MHz chips to come to the phone.

¤ In an effort to streamline corporate communications and eliminate redundancy, Sun Microsystems issues what it calls its "official and final" statement on the company's relationship with rival Microsoft: "Microsoft sucks.".

¤ After using the courts to keep Napster and MP3.com from freely distributing music over the Internet, the Recording Industry Association of America asks a federal judge to stop people from humming or whistling copyrighted songs in public.

¤ Internet giant Yahoo!, which soundly beats analyst estimates, reportedly isn't satisfied and beats their dogs as well. Some analysts even report getting wedgies.

¤ A two-year M.I.T. study of unsolicited email, or "spam," concludes that you can earn $50,000 in the next 90 days by sending e-mail from your home, which is located near a college where sex-crazed coeds are anxious to meet you. Researchers also learn that there are two ways to get a million dollars -- win it or work for it -- and bigop@yesmail.com has information that can help you with both.

¤ The International Society of Computer Hackers blasts the media for continually using the word "virus" when referring to the "Love Bug" email is infecting computers. The program is more accurately a "worm," not a virus, says the hacker group, adding that "ignorant journalists" should check their facts. In response, the Society of Professional Journalists thanks the hackers, who it says will now be referred to by the more accurate term "slovenly misanthropic twits."

¤ The Recording Industry Association of America asks for $300 million in damages from the estimated 22 million drunken men who think banging out the opening drum beat to "Wipeout" is a good way to impress women in bars.

¤ Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson rules that Microsoft must be split in two because it plays dirty and cannot be trusted. Microsoft lead attorney Bill Neukom denies the charges, and kicks the judge in the nuts when he's not looking.

¤ The FBI discloses that it has been systematically reading and deleting email messages sent to and from paranoid people. According to a Bureau spokesman, the FBI has been pursuing the strategy for "exactly as long as those people think we've been doing it."

¤ The Recording Industry Association of America announces it doesn't like it when the wind blows, as it sounds too much like the beginning to Elton John's 'Funeral for a Friend.'

¤ Unconvicted killer O.J. Simpson launches AskOJ.com, a site that will enable the former football star to answer questions from users, sell personal memorabilia, and come across as a sleazy unrepentant murderer to an entirely new audience. "There are literally millions of people in Asia, Europe, and South America who will now hear my side of the story before they conclude that I am a deceitful butcher."

¤ Speaking at a press conference, Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer actually says a breakup "would certainly mean higher prices, less choice and harder-to-use products for consumers." Analysts take the statement to mean the breakup will have no impact on the company.

¤ America Online launches a membership drive offering 700 hours of free Internet access in the first month, meaning a new user would have to stay online 22.5 hours a day for 30 days to use up the free connect time. This would be funnier if it weren't true.

¤ IBM unveils ViaVoice II for Windows, a revolutionary new line of voice recognition software that, the company boasts, makes talking to your computer easier, faster, and "more a curate than ever beef whore."

¤ In a speech accepting his party's nomination, George W. Bush pledges to turn the Internet into a "God-fearing, gun-filled, sexless, Republican Internet" if elected, and promises to introduce a bill requiring every computer on the network to be powered, not by "liberal, Gore-loving electricity," but by safe, dependable oil. "My friends, let me ask you, do you know what the Internet is?" Bush asks the crowd. No one seems to know.

¤ No rulings are issued in the anti-trust case. Microsoft immediately appeals.

¤ Symantec issues an apology to Microsoft after the security software maker's AntiVirus Research Center issues an alert for a "widespread and lethal virus known to cause system crashes and data loss" that turns out to be the Windows 2000 operating system. Symantec CEO John Thompson calls it a "regrettable but understandable" mistake.

¤ Vice President Al Gore puts the Internet up for sale on auction site eBay, explaining that while he will miss his creation, he needs money to duel Republican presidential contender George W. Bush in the stretch run to November.

¤ America Online announces that new members will get free Internet access for the rest of the year during the first month.

¤ Microsoft executives continue to insist that whoever hacked into their computer system did not gain access to the source codes of its major products. However, Redmond officials concede they may never learn the identity of the culprit or culprits. In an unrelated note, Sun Microsystems surprises industry observers by releasing Sun Office, Sun NT, and Sun 2000.

¤ As part of its staff cuts, online auction site eBay says it will auction its employees off individually. To increase interest, eBay pairs each outgoing staffer with a fine collectible. On day one, bidding on human-resources-manager- Claudia-Penton-with-a-set-of-Mr.-Peanut- snack-cups is slow, but the action on marketing-director-Randy-Keller-with- a-hand-painted-Limoges-sardine-server is quite hectic. Explains Keller: "I think it's obvious why my bids are moving. I have six years experience in product positioning and demand planning, and come with a matching server tray."

¤ Priceline announces that the press release it posted a year ago claiming the company would break even in 2001 was missing a comma. The actual phrase should have been "the company will break, even in 2001."

¤ The world's 14 remaining users of the Netscape browser exult over the release of Netscape 6, the first new version of the browser in two years, and a product Netscape executives predict will blow away Microsoft's Internet Explorer "if this were 1997." To solidify its market position, Netscape senior vice president Jim Martin announces a "major" partnership with Apple Computer to have Netscape 6 installed on all new Apple machines, a move that Martin boasts will really break Microsoft's stranglehold on the browser market, "if this were, say, 1984."

¤ In response to Intel's statement that it will produce transistors only three atoms wide by 2005, rival chipmaker Advanced Micro Devices announces that most of its employees are no more than 14 inches tall. AMD, however, refuses to allow reporters into its facilities to verify the claim. "We would, but we can't reach the doorknobs to let you in," spokesman Ravi Chalani says in a phone interview.

¤ With CMGI at $6, Priceline at $1.50, InfoSpace at $7 and Fogdog at 66 cents, Internet investors issue a "strong hit" on analysts Tim Fogarty, John Ryding, Ullas Naik, Laura Pavlenko, Henry Blodget, and Larry Rice.

¤ America Online announces that new members will get free Internet access for life during the first month.

-- Uncle Bob (Unclb0b@aol.com), December 30, 2000