OOops! Ooops!

With no living witnesses left, hearings have since been cancelled.

-- Ain't Gonna Happen (Not Here Not@ever.com), December 15, 2000

Answers

Have you ever considered a new career as a headline writer for the National Enquirer?

-- I'm Here, I'm There, (I'm Everywhere,@So.Beware), December 15, 2000.

I thought he'd be perfect for The New York Post (the paper that gave us the infamous headline, Headless Body Found In Topless Bar).

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), December 15, 2000.

That's a good one, Patricia. Here's a list of some more which were apparently actually printed in various newspapers...

BEST NEWSPAPER HEADLINES OF 1999 1. Include Your Children When Baking Cookies

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

3. Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers 4. Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case

5. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

6. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

7. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope 8. Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

9. British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands

10. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

11. Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead

12. Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told

13. Miners Refuse to Work After Death

14. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

15. Stolen Painting Found by Tree

16. Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter

17. War Dims Hope for Peace

18. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While 19. Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide 20. Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge 21. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

22. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Space

23. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

25. Typhoon Rips through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

-- CD (costavike@hotmail.com), December 15, 2000.

Thanks CD. My first belly laugh of the day! =0)

-- cin (cin@cin.cin), December 16, 2000.

Pretty sure my favorite is:

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say

Uh, yeah, it's a damn good thing we have them there "experts" on the case.

Thanks, CD :-)

-- Patricia (PatriciaS@lasvegas.com), December 16, 2000.

CD, those are hysterical. National Lampoon used to put out a booklet each year with the headlines cut from papers, along with silly road signs. I bought it about 10 years ago, and once in awhile I pull it out and laugh anew. Is there a link to these on the web?

-- kritterette (kritter@adelphia.net), December 16, 2000.

It looks as if NL doesn't do its "True Facts" series as much as it used to.

http://www.nationallampoon.com/news/truefacts/defaultpar.asp

-- (but@try.this), December 16, 2000.

National Lampoon isn't quite as good as it was back in the Michael O'Donahue days. But here's another site that might have a few items:

http://www.3bp.com/

-- I'm Here, I'm There, (I'm Everywhere,@So.Beware), December 16, 2000.

http://www.newsoftheweird.com/

-- NEWS (of@the.WEIRD), December 16, 2000.

For some reason all this discussion reminds me of a fast-breaking news story out of Poland. Apparently there are geological plates rubbing together which are causing all sorts of holy hell outside of Warsaw. After a great deal of rumbling and commotion, a huge hole has opened up in the ground, three football fields wide and nearly too deep for the eye to see. To reassure the terrified population, the Government of Poland has assembled a task force of the hundred smartest people in the country, who are now looking into it.

-- Peter Errington (petere@ricochet.net), December 17, 2000.