Did I use cocaine when I was pregnant or breastfeeding?

That was the question my almost-30 year old daughter came in and asked me yesterday. I was dumb-founded! It appears she has been being "counseled" at some sort of church and the counselor told her she could be having some of the problems she is having because her mother (ME!) used cocaine when she was pregnant or breastfeeding....

The majority of her problems consist of not taking personal responsibility for her own actions: i.e. if you write a bad check, someone will hold you accountable; if you don't pay your house payments, someone will come and repossess your hourse...if you don't take care of your children, someone will investigate...etc. etc. etc. I'm not talking about getting into financial trouble because of problems like illness, etc. I'm talking about not managing money when you have it....This "child" made more money than me in several jobs she has had!

I tried to not chew my tongue in two and explained to her that I had never used cocaine, and certainly not when I was pregnant any of the three times. I wouldn't even take a Tylenol or Benedryl or anything when I was pregnant because I was so scared something would harm the precious life I had inside me....

She had gone to her natural father (who abandoned us all many times, and finally when she was six for good and then "disappeared" into another state until they were grown) and he said she'd have to ask me because he had no idea what I might have done!

I was 17 when I married that idiot! 30 years ago in our then-VERY-RURAL county there were 25,000 total residents, four deputies and police officers FOR THE ENTIRE COUNTY, and they were still selling moonshine whiskey in fruit jars! This was certainly not a hot bed of drug abuse!

I don't smoke and I don't drink. I've been a reporter for nearly 21 years and a writer for nearly 30 years. While I've made my share of mistakes in life, this certainly wasn't one of them....

My kids were always my top priority...I am totally dumbfounded with this. I have several hours toward my MA in counseling but that's one reason I didn't pursue a permanent career in counseling....Too many times people are simply trying to find excuses for not accepting responsibility for their own actions....

I MUST get at least three articles written this morning then I plan to work with my animals this afternoon. Maybe some good hard work and sweat will take my mind off such an idiotic idea...Thank you for letting me rant and rave here.....

-- Suzy in 'Bama (slgt@yahoo.com), December 14, 2000

Answers

You are a better person than me, Suzy. I'd find out who this alleged counselor is, as well as the pastor of the church, and have a few hundred thousand well chosen words for both of them. Bet that would have take them out of the "counselling" business!!

As for the daughter, I hope you straightened her out sufficiently. I also hope you reminded her that she is responsible for her own life and her own problems, and that she should grow up now.

-- Raven (ravensghostagain@hotmail.com), December 14, 2000.

Even when we are guilty of doing those things that hurt our children in one way or another, there comes a time in their lives that they have to face the problem, and take responsibilities for their own lives and most importantly learn to forgive. Just because you (everybody you) were given a set of circumstances, doesn't mean you have to stay in them. Not an easy lesson, especially when the world is making excuses for you. Sounds to me that your daughter needs to get a good counselor instead of the bleeding heart one she has.

It's possible that she is angry at her dad and taking it out on you. Sounds like he might be immature. Remember a soft answer turns away wrath.

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), December 14, 2000.

One of my friend's said this, and it is certainly true: "Time to kick the inner child in the *** and get on with life!"

-- Doreen (animalwaitress@excite.com), December 14, 2000.

What is that saying about protesting too much?

-- JLS in NW AZ (stalkingbull007@AOL.com), December 14, 2000.

Very good Doreen.I must write that one down.I agree.

Suzy-tell her this-After you leave your parents house, it's up to you how you make your life,for better or worse.Yes,one makes mistakes- it's called youthful indiscression-you learn from those mistakes and move on.If you don't,and just keep blaming others,you are doomed to keep repeating the mistakes.

It's not the hand you've been dealt in life, but how you play it.

You know,good counselors tell people this as well, it makes me wonder if she is just listening to the part she wants to hear.

There are people who had unbelievably tragic and horrible childhoods,I've known a few .But, that is a quite a different story.Some often are terribly scarred.

I also have this to add to her: parents are people to. They are human. They sometimes make mistakes. Sometimes big mistakes. Get over it.They did the best they knew how.Even if something wasn't the "right" thing to do,it was probably done out of love, nevertheless.

Believe it or not,I had to say that last part to my 70- something mother, who was complaining about something her long deceased mother had done when Mother was a teenager. I hung up the phone,told hubbie about the bizarre conversation, and burst out laughting. It was tooooo much.

I learned all about this last one when I raised teenagers myself,and promptly thanked my own parents for all their love and patience,and forgave them their mistakes.Nothing like the hair of the dog to wake you up!

Stick by your guns,girl. And don't let it upset you.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), December 14, 2000.

Suzy is one of the most honest & open people on this and other forums. Level headed, too. I have appreciated her wisdom in many areas. Leave it in the Lord's hands, Suzy and don't let it get you down.

-- Jean (schiszik@tbcnet.com), December 14, 2000.

Thank you all for your kind thoughts! It would be different if this was what had actually happened (the cocaine use) but since that is so far-fetched it's not even funny this made for a really unusual conversation!

I believe in our personal lives, and in our national lives politically, that is what is the major problem in our country---folks want to blame everybody else for their problems! No one wants to accept responsibility for their own actions!

I'm the first to admit the many many mistakes I've made in my life...but believe me...cocaine abuse while pregnantwas definately NOT one of them!

-- Suzy in 'Bama (slgt@yahoo.com), December 14, 2000.

Suzy, you aren't the only one. My sister went to a counseler who told her that my mother was responsible for her problems. This is not true. My mother is the one who saved her. A combination of incest and (I suspect) a type of manic depresion is what is wrong. But she won't go to a real doctor. What my mother had to do, (I think you might have to as well, but that is up to you) is to get off the roller coster. Put her in God's hands, and support her when and how you can, but don't let her minipulate you. It is time for her to grow up. Sorry for my own rant, but I hope this helps you. Annette

-- annette (j_a_henry@yahoo.com), December 14, 2000.

In my very honest personal oppinion, I think the counseler is on Cocaine.

-- Cindy in Ky (solidrockranch@msn.com), December 15, 2000.

I've heard that each your children will step on your toes at least once. Sometimes it feels more like your feet are being crushed. Hugs to you Suzy.

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), December 15, 2000.

Hi Suzy, I agree with all the responses..What is it with these so called counselors,etc? Always putting the blame on the Mothers? Freud should have had his neck stretched more than once. One of my dear friends had counseling by a pastor and nearly lost her marriage. This man had no training what so ever in counseling but because he held title of minister he thought he could save everything and everybody. This friend is still bearing the scars from that misinformed man.

-- Lynn (mscratch1@sem.net), December 15, 2000.

Help!! Don't knock all of us! I am a counselor - have degree in, trained in, etc. Not all of us are bad! The problem is that it isn't a licensed title in most areas, so anyone can call themselves one. Just b/c someone says they are a counselor certainly doesn't mean they are one. I have also known some licensed counselors who were horrible - just like all professions, some are good, some are bad. Any counselor who says all your problems are someone elses fault is a quack - usually a sign they don't know what they are doing, or else trying to give you so many problems you'll be coming back for years. -Julia

-- Julia in Tally (tofubiscuit@excite.com), December 15, 2000.

Seems like a lot of those "counselors" are screwed up more than their patients. A woman told me that she pays one $60 an hour to "listen" to her problems. I told her a bartender can do that too and if you pay him $60, you bought a round for the house. Not saying they are all bad, but I really think a lot of people are being exploited by so called "experts" and all they really need is a little responsibility and a freind or bartender or Countryside Forum.

-- Jay Blair in N. AL (jayblair678@yahoo.com), December 15, 2000.

I used cocaine at times (roughly equivalent to having a drink or two with friends and family at parties or special events) while I was pregnant with my second child. I also drank moderately. I was much more careful during my first pregnancy (no coke, small amounts of alcohol late in the pregnancy). OK, here's the test. One child has always been very confident and self-motivated. Straight A's in school, teacher's pet, very calm and mature. Active in scouts, choir, sports, and lots of other organized activities. The other child has always been emotionally needy, craved attention and physical contact, required speech therapy as a pre-schooler, gets wildly erratic grades and sometimes comes close to flunking a subject, inspired a grandparent to offer to pay for psychological counseling, detests any organized activity, is into gory computer games, dungeons and dragons, and seems attracted to the Goth style. Both children are now in high school. One just went into therapy because a school counselor discovered that the child was cutting (using scissors and/or razor blades to draw blood, thereby providing, in a strange way, relief from feelings of depression and being unworthy). Which one do you think it is? No. It is not the underachiever who was exposed to cocaine in the womb. It is the "perfect child".

-- Jen Thor (jgaines51@yahoo.com), December 15, 2000.

The idea of taking responsibility for your own faults does not work in todays society. Instead of looking inside themselves for the answer (or blame) there's always mother, father, teacher, etc.. HEY!!!! God gave us abrain to choose wrong from right. If you have had some bad experiences in life turn to God and rise above it, don't use it as a crutch. As for your daughter asking about cocaine use, it hurts I know. All you can do is feel confident that you were the best mother you knew how and the rest is up to her. Prayer can do alot!!!

-- lisa liddle (lisasnat@bellsouth.net), December 16, 2000.

I hope Suzy in Bama is still monitoring this site; but perhaps these comments will help someone else. You say your daughter is almost 30 -- back then cocaine was a much less dangerous drug. Even my kids, who are teen-agers, were born well before the notorious "crack babies" appeared. Crack is a very refined version of cocaine which appeared sometime during the 80s. Suzy, even if you did use cocaine back then, your daughter would probably be OK. Sounds more like she inherited some bad tendencies from her father and his relationship with you which you weren't able to nullify. Since probably about one person in a thousand could produce a "perfect" child under these conditions, don't kick yourself or accept any blame, just continue to love her as your daughter, offer what support you can, and then continue to live your life with a clear conscience. She's an adult, you aren't responsible for her anymore and you can't change the past.

-- Jen Thor (jgaines51@yahoo.com), December 17, 2000.

Lisa, well said. Too bad they don't teach right from wrong in the public schools like they used to.

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), December 17, 2000.

Yes, I am still monitoring this thread! This has caused more comment than anything I've ever posted!

Thank you all for your encouragement!

-- Suzy in Bama (slgt@yahoo.com), December 18, 2000.

Hi Suzy, Being a parent I say... Bend the 30 year old brat over your lap and give her the spanking she deserves. WoW I know I would. Hang in there your a good person being taunted by the oh so holier than thou pc crowd. Remember sometimes the old ways works best. My sister-in-law recently spanked her 27 year old for a similiar remark. Her daughter quickly remembered her upbringing...now no more counsler, the druggie boyfriend is gone and her daughter went back to work.

Have a great Holiday

-- Kenneth in N.C. (wizardsplace13@hotmail.com), December 19, 2000.