Hey you all, from the southwest. My one-and-only and I are going to officially be hitched in a few short months... and since I've been single all my 49 years, here's a question. Many people have pre-marital counseling through their churches. Since we don't belong to a church, I thought I'd ask the Forum! So, from you married folks out there (or dyed-in-the-wool singles), IF you were to make up a pre-marriage questionnaire, what question/s would you pose to your intended?? Thanks! This should be fun. Or not. debra (aka, Cold Feet) in nm.

-- debra in nm (dhaden@nmtr.unm.edu), November 20, 2000

Answers

NNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooooooo

-- STAN (sopal@net-port.com), November 20, 2000.

Who handles the REMOTE?

(:raig

-- Craig Miller (CMiller@ssd.com), November 20, 2000.

These questions aren't exactly fun but important. Do you both know that, besides God, you put each other first? That's in front of kids, kids from previous relationships, mom, dad, best friends, football, golf, getting together with the girls,etc.

Do you both know the meaning of the word COMPROMISE?

Do you both know the meaning of RESPECT?

Can you still laugh with each other when the pressure's on?

What would you do if you had the chance to have the right answer or funniest joke, or saying and could even win money with it but, it would embarrass or hurt your spouse?

Who's going to handle the money/bills? or household duties?

Are there religious differences?

Are there secrets or special friends that need explaining?

Do you know if there's a criminal background? How's both of your tax history?

Some of these may sound dumb, but not knowing can lead to all kinds of heartache.

You probably already know, but just in case, do you know what his/her favortie t.v. shows is and would he /she be mad if he/she missed it. Sometimes these little things can cause big things.

Where are you going to spend holidays?

Maybe you could come up with some Newlywed Game questions.

Are you free enough with each other to cry in front of the other?

Do you TRUST each other?

How does he/she talk about his/her family?

Does he like ketchup on his onion rings?

-- Cindy (atilrthehony_1@yahoo.com), November 20, 2000.

The two big questions are how you both deal with money and how social each of you are. Really need to be simular in both areas in my opinion. My ex was a spender, I was super frugal. She was also significantly more social and I was then as now basically a hermit. Guess we both thought we would change each other in these areas. Didnt happen in eleven years of marriage.

Used to have address of a kind of fun web site that predicted compatability, but not anymore I guess.

-- Hermit John (hermit@hilltop_homestead.zzn.com), November 20, 2000.

Well, if you want my input... I am a professional numerologist and would be glad to run a comparison chart for you. BTW, I am also a Christian and have no problem combining the numbers and love for Jesus Christ. I would go into how numerology came to be, etc, but that's not necessary and I hope this doesn't start a discussion on philosophies...

so, again, if you want a scientific comparison done, let me know!

Cher

-- Cher Rovang (fullcircle@nidlink.com), November 20, 2000.

Sit across from each other and write down everything you want to change about the other person. Now......if there is anything on either of your lists don't get married.

Money and each others kids have got to be number one problems. What if your child tells you they are gay, could you never see them again if he asked you? What if one of his children marries outside your race and has bi-racial children, will he not see the kids if you ask him? Who is going to take care of his mother when she can no longer do it? Do you give money to your kids or he to his, and is this o.k. with both of you? Do either of you have relationships with your ex's because of the kids, that causes problems with the new spouse to be? Where do you want to be and what do you want to be doing in 10 years. When the honeymoon is over are you really going to want to cook and clean and have sex with this same person the rest of your life? Because though he may be helping out now, we all know sooner rather than later, the underware will be laying on the bathroom floor :) Good luck with you marriage!

An old joke in our family was, you weren't ready to get marrried until you could (#2) in front of each other and wipe while carrying on a conversation! We changed it slightly when our kids were young teens to include that this is when you knew you were ready to have sex with a boy! Vicki

-- Vicki McGaugh TX (vickilonesomedoe@hotmail.com), November 20, 2000.

Here are some things that come to my mind. Marriage is not a 50/50 partnership. It is a 100/100. Be sure to take care of yourself as well as your mate. Don't feel you are the one that always has to find the compromise. Be willing to talk out issues. You may not be able to talk at that moment but always make it a point to talk over an issue when cooler heads are ready to prevail. If you don't talk things out, they only fester and get added to the heap of greivances you think the other one has done to you. It is amazing what you discover when an issue is talked about.

Search for enjoyable things you can do together. This is particularly hard if their are no children involved. Sometimes marriages stay togethr because of the common interest of the children and once they are gone the parents discover they have nothing in common and have grown apart.

Keep friendships after the marriage. If a mate resents outside friendships, it can be a sign that they are too possessive. These friendships should not take all of your time either but you should see a friend at least once a week.

Discover what your strong suits are and divvy up the responsiblities along those lines. My husband hates to pay the bills and just wants to be able to know if there is enough money for whatever particular endeaver he is focused on. I, on the other hand, need to know that the money situation is under control and we are not over our heads. Therefore, I pay all of the bills. This works well for us. Luckily, we are both frugal so we are not at odds about that. As someone else mentioned, this is an important point.

Given your age, you should probably talk about what your retirement plans are. Even though this may sound a little premature, it will be an issue in the not too distant future and if you are expecting to stay in the cute little homestead you have been working on for the last ten years and he plans to sell it all and travel around the country in an RV, this is a major issue.

If there are in-laws or children involved on either side, you need to talk these out to see how each of you feel about the issues that will come up, particularly about taking care of parents.

To me, though, the number one thing to realize is that you won't CHANGE your spouse. So many people think they will get married and the other spouse will settle down or change their ways or suddenly get more responsible, or whatever. Sometimes the birth of a child will make that happen but rarely will a marriage do it. Go into the marriage with the understanding that you love the person just the way they are and that you are not marrying them because they have a really cool job or because they take you on trips all over the world. You have to love them for who they are inside. (I'm sure at your age you already know a lot of this but I'm not sure if there are some young people that will see this as well.)

Congratulations!!! How exciting to be embarking on this wonderful venture. Hang on tight!! LOL

-- Colleen (pyramidgreatdanes@erols.com), November 20, 2000.

Judging from previous subjects discussed on this forum, one of the significant items of disagreement is the at rest position the toilet seat - up or down. Resolve that and the rest of your problems will be minor.

-- JLS in NW AZ (stalkingbull007@AOL.com), November 20, 2000.

Well since I have been divorced twice I can't tell you how to have a successful marriage but I can tell you what to check on. First discuss money. Namely what type of lifestyle each of you wants (expensive or frugal). This may sound insensitive but both of you show your intended your credit report and tell each other any tax problems you have had in the past. Discuss where you would like to live. If you plan on having kids discuss how you would like to raise/discipline them. Money and disciplining kiddos is what caused my divorce. Also you aren't just marrying each other....your marrying their family too. Scarry ain't it? In my case it was my spouse that got the short end of the stick with my family....I always really liked theirs. Religion is very important....make sure you have the same one. This may sound odd but listen to Dr Laura. I think I have heard every type of thing that can go wrong on that show. Good luck to you both and I hope you have a truely blessed marriage.

-- Amanda in Mo (aseley@townsqr.com), November 20, 2000.

Lots of good stuff already. I can't stress enough the topic of whether or not you'll have kids(first hubby refused to wear condomns or let me use the pill or diaphram then threatened to drug me and have an illegal abortion done on me when he found out I was pregnant), where do you plan on being in 10 years, relationship with his/your family, how money will be handled, religion is important, but spirituality even more so: do you both feel strongly about the same principles? And yes, men who cook and clean for themselves do forget as soon as you start helping. I married a funloving guy after warning him that I am not, nor ever will be the domestic type. After we seperated, he admitted to the counselor that he expected me to change the day after the wedding and become like his mother: up at 4 am with all laundry and chores done by six. Needless to say, she was also interfereing, deceitful, and manipulative, which he turned out to be. Find out if they had an abusive childhood, things will come out. My funloving guy ended up holding a steak knife to my throat and almost killing my daughter when I asked him if it was true that his father crossdresses.(We had hung with the same circle of friends for two years before even moving in together, it was not a fly by night thing and I saw him interact with a previous girlfriend) Find out if he was ever a part of an extreme religious group, if they haven't gotten over it, they always go back(I did that, was a JW). Always have enough money or your own place to go to if it doesn't work out, even if you never feel like leaving. Ya never know and the security helps you hang in there when things are bad, because you know you don't have to stay. And find out if he minds: is he too insecure to allow you to have your own means? Find out the reasons for wanting to marry: was there pressure from anyone like family, friends, you? If the reason wasn't good, they'll resent you. If you feel sick to your stomach and chanting under your breath "I don't want to do this" as you aproach the minister or justice of the peace, then don't, no matter how much chicken your sister made for the event:) I don't know why people bother with legalizing their relationships. A will, if properly drawn up will be enough for providing in case of death, ministers will conduct ceremonies without having to legalize them, and if it doesn't work out, it's even harder to leave peacefully. What is the infatuation with weddings anyways? Did you know you can change your last name legally if you wish, without getting hitched? Can someone please explain to me why we have been led to believe legal wedding ceremonies are a social must for couples?

-- Epona (crystalepona2000@yahoo.com), November 20, 2000.

Congratulations!

Umm...Well, sex is really important. So hopefully you will find or have found a way to communicate about it. People hesitate to deal with it and then commit themselves to a lifetime of being with a partner that may be somehow incompatible. So...I guess see if your fiance is game enough to take a Cosmo quiz or something. I'm outta here....but best wishes!!

-- sheepish (rborgo@gte.net), November 20, 2000.

Do you both know what LOVE -HONOR & CHERISH mean???? It is hard to trust, rely & depend on your other half, if you both don't understand & make the commitment. God first & then your spouse--or there will be problems that could be avoided! (just my experience & two marriages) Sonda in Ks.

-- Sonda (sgbruce@birch.net), November 20, 2000.

Well-been down that road twice the first, when I was young and foolish, taught me what I didn't want.Good lesson to learn.Since the second is a good guy,I guess I learned a little bit. Here's what I'd think

Don't argue too much, but do argue some. if you have the first you're prob not compatible,if you don't argue at all someone is having to hide.It will come out in other ways.And not in good ways.

You are marrying THE FAMILY and not just a person. Do you like them and vice versa? These are the people who raised him/her.Get to know them well and see if their values are similar to yours,unless he/she is the family black sheep,they will be alot alike.Warts and all. Different cultures can work it out,I did, but it takes some more time and effort so know this going in and give yourself and them, the time

Hey,any old girl/boy friends? If not hateful,these are a good source of info.My niece could have saved herself 10 years of grief If she had talked to his ex.Did the same dirt to both of them.Not male bashing,known some worthless women too.

Settle money issues as described

Ditto kid stuff. Even more so if any half grown kids are part of the pkg.

Are you the best of friends? Good deal-goes with common interests

Do you both love animals? Good sign in my opinion.I'm sure there must be someone out there that loves animals but is a s.o.b, but I never met 'im.How abt gardening? Most gardeners are pretty good too! Just my very prejudicial opinion!

Nick sez sex is important for closeness.I say I'd still keep him around even crippled,so decide for yourselves.

BTW there are counseling services for this.check around and go to a few to find out abt. hairy issues,and have a little help working them out.they let you talk alot.We went to one who was a minister, but also a counselor,and since he was married and had raised kids,he had alot of experience to draw on and he was big help.

Or, any family or friends that you admire for the way they get along with their other half? Ask them for some advice and guidance.Sounds like alot of good advice from this post,as well.

-- sharon wt (wildflower@ekyol.com), November 20, 2000.

I guess one of the most important questions would be directed towards yourself. Ask yourself, why do I want to marry this person? And be very honest about it! Don't push the doubts out of your mind when they come up. Face them square in the eye and discuss them with your intended. Can you be happy all by yourself? Go out to town or to a restaurant by yourself and be perfectly happy? Do you feel comfortable with the idea of possibly remaining single for the rest of your life, or does the idea fil you with despair? Do you feel like you NEED to marry this peson? Why? Be really honest! A lot of women get married because they are afraid of being single and independent, I know because I've done it, twice.We want someone to take care of us, and to make us feel whole. The truth is that another person cannot fill you up or make you more whole, in fact it has a tendency to work the other way, so that you end up less of a person. That is, if you are looking for the other person to be a part of your identity. So think it over good and hard, and don't be afraid to call it off or postpone it if you need to. Even if you find the best man for you in the whole world, the marriage will not be as happy as it should be if you marry for the wrong reasons.

-- Rebekah (daniel1@itss.net), November 20, 2000.

Well, I have only been married once, at the sweet age of 16 my hubby was 19. We have been married for 22 years.You go through a lot of changes. Ups and downs. I guess you could say we grew up together. I have a sign on my wall that says

"CHOOSE THY LOVE AND LOVE THY CHOICE"

Make sure you both Reflect and know what you are really saying when you make vows before God and every one else. Till death do you part is a REALLY long time.I can honestly say it gets better as you grow older. The first few years are the hardest. One thing that helps tremendously is ( as said a number of times here ) Put God first, Your spouse second, and yourself last. I wish you both the best.

-- Bonnie (josabo1@juno.com), November 20, 2000.

Ask if your intended is sweaty, week kneed and disoriented. As long as they arn't running a fever or ate at Taco Bell, they're ready for the alter. When we got married, a freind told me "Don't ever let the sun set on an arguement.", her husband said "Be prepared to go west young man." They have been married forty-two years and still on their honeymoon. Duke swears he and the missus have seen California at least 20 times, she just laughs and cuffs him, then he laughs too. Thats a marriage!

-- Jay Blair (jayblair678@yahoo.com), November 20, 2000.

A few things come to mind in addition to the previous items. Can you work together? If you are attempting to live a homestead type of life you are going to spend a great deal of your time WORKING! Building barns, fences, houses, gardening and all of the other projects will require a great deal of patience and planning. My husband and I started when we were still dating, cutting logs for a house (I was in my teens, he was in his early twenties). Knowing we could last through that kind, of sometimes grueling, labor gives you a lot of confidence for the future. Also don't try to make each other feel guilty or miserable. We have seen a lot of marriages end because the wife doesn't want the husband to go hunting, or because the husband doesn't want ot go to the in-laws for dinner. This type of constant nagging or badgering just erodes the calm and peace that a marriage should be. YOU should be the person he most wants to be with and vice versa. I met my husband when I was 14 years old (18 1/2 years ago) and it still feels like we've just barely scratched the surface of this life we want to have together. Keep your enthusiasm and your marriage will be great. Best Wishes!

-- Melissa (cmnorris@1st.net), November 20, 2000.

Do you really, really LIKE this man? And does he really, really LIKE you? Love can be all mixed up with lust, attraction, infatuation, admiration, security, etc. but "like" is someone you could spend the rest of your life with. Will you still like him in 30 years when his waist isn't so trim and his hair is a lot trimmer? I told my daughters "if there are little things he does now that annoy you, they will become huge when the newness wears off". Love is good, but if you have like and love together, you've got it made. Long and happy life to you...

-- Peg (wildwoodfarms@hushmail.com), November 20, 2000.

if you think back marriages started going to pot when the vows were changed from obey to cherish. Bob in s.e.ks

-- Bobco (bobco@hit.net), November 20, 2000.

Consider the following:

Money Sex Family Kids Religion Similar interests

Remember you can not change people. Everyone has good qualities. The question is really, can you live with their bad ones? BTW my wife told me that before we got married.

Also, is you significant other your best friend? Do you have a girlfriend you would rather hand out with or does he have a buddy he would rather hang out with? If the answer is yes you might think about why.

-- Storybook Farm (mumaw@socket.com), November 20, 2000.

Okay, here are the really big questions. Bedroom window: open or closed? Bedroom fan: on or off?

-- Cheryl (bramblecottage@hotmail.com), November 20, 2000.

First of all Best Wishes and Congratulations. My husband and I both give 125% to our marriage when it comes to him I go the extra mile even when I'm tired I try to make the best lunch with the best sandwhiches he knows I hate making lunches and consideres them a sign of love. Make your spouse feel like the most important person on earth, stop what your doing and listen when the other is talking you cant listen and read the paper it down grades the other person. Think about what task you can do to help the other. Talk about sex go for a ride in a dark car all by your selves if you have to and ask the other how they liked it if there is something you can do better if there is something they would like get a book its one of the most important things in a marriage and people never bother to educate themselves about it. And something my mom told me before I got married " there will be many times that you wont be intrested in sex but if you go ahead with it you will end up enjoying it and when its all over you'll probably want more" she was so right there have been many time when I felt to tired or there was alot on my mind but actually ended up enjoying it. good luck ronda

-- ronda (thejohnsons@localaccess.com), November 20, 2000.

Here was my wife's ?'s

Will you raise me up ? Will you help me down ? Will you get me right out of this God forsaken town ? Will you make it all it a little less cold ?

Will you hold me sacred ? Will you hold me tight ? Will you colorize my life ? (I'm so sick of black and white). Will you make it all a little less old ?

Will you make me some magic with your own two hands ? Can you build an emerald city with these grains of sand ? Will you give me something I can take Home ?

Will you cater to every fantasy I got ? Will you hose me down with Holy Water if I get to hot ? Will you take me places I've never known ?

In the end I said I could do that ! Meat Loaf wrote the words but my wife uses them alot when reminding me of what we started out to do.

-- Joel Rosen (Joel681@webtv.net), November 21, 2000.

1.Can you forgive easily or do you hold grudges?

2.Can you laugh at yourself?

Vicki and Joel,I love your answers!;)

-- Debbie T in N.C. (rdtyner@mindspring.com), November 21, 2000.

Joel, thanks for the trip down "memory lane" ! Halfway through your verse, I had a distinct sense of deja vue, now I know why, thought for a moment it was just Alzheimer's settling in! Annie in SE OH.

-- Annie Miller (annie@1st.net), November 21, 2000.

Debra, Everyone gave such great advice but having married a loser and then a terrific guy I will tell you that if you are having second thoughts put the marriage on hold.

I knew my first husband for 2 years before we got married. We fought and got back together alot. I expected jitters (not the urge to RUN!) but thought I could do my part to make things work. I thought he would grow up and change. HAH!

If it is right there is no constant struggle to work things out. You and your husband will be pulling together in the same direction.

I met my second husband and within six months we were married. We set our wedding date on our second date. When I met him it was this feeling of "coming home". There was NO DOUBT- NO JITTERS.

We have been married for over 5 years, never fight, don't play mind games. He is my partner, he builds me up, he believes in me, I TRUST him, explicitly.

Will he be there cleaning up after you when you are on your deathbed? Does he make you believe you can do anything?

If there was no sex, no money, just wrinkles and memories would you still be happy with him- and he with you?

Amy

-- Amy Richards (tiggerwife@aol.com), November 21, 2000.

One question: do you mind if he has a tenant in his little apartment and if not do you mind if he helps the guy out a little? you know, cash, courier, chauffeur, breaky/coffee.... some people's goodheartedness can lend them to being used or stepped on occasionally. If you don't mind being squashed once in a while, it's ok. Make that two questions: Does he love goats? If not, no one on earth should marry him. Your friend (two time loser, one time winner)

-- Cathy Lowry (jclowry@abq.com), November 21, 2000.

I think that is unfair assumption on Cathy's part. I can love my wife enough to buy the goat, and build the shed and fence and still hate the goat. lol

-- Joel Rosen (Joel681@webtv.net), November 22, 2000.

If you go through with it and are determined to make it work & last, take my mother-in-law's advice - someone has to bend. It may take a lot of hard work for many years BUT it is worth it. (from a stubborn gal married to a stubborn guy, married 13 years on the 27th)

-- Jean (schiszik@tbcnet.com), November 22, 2000.

Hey all... thanks SO much for the input! I knew I could count on The Forum. All taken in good humor laced with LOTS of truth. Yes, he loves goats, by the way! No, we don't have children in the picture... it'll be just him and me to the end (and the critters). He's loving, supportive, loyal, loves all animals, loves to learn new things, a talented musician, caring, a good cook, has a good sense of humor, loves to garden, very good at plumbing and electronics repairs... No, we don't have everything in common, but that's good, too. He's a keeper. And best of all, he likes me! Yes, and we are good friends, too.

Now, you have to understand the reasoning behind this query, that it's ME: the confirmed bachelorette, Miss Independent, Miss Do-It-All- By-Herself, afraid of the "C-word", not a good track record... that is in need of support. There is always this nagging thought from 'the old me' in the back of my mind that says: "Sell the house, put a camper for the truck, load up the goats, cats & dogs, and head for Wyoming!" However, for the first time in my long single life, I find I'm totally committed to this human being through thick and thin, and I'm as ready as I'll ever be. Time to fasten my seatbelt! Here we goooooooooooooo........!

Hope you all have a great Thanksgiving; be careful on the roads. We are expecting a snow storm down here in the southwest on Thursday. 'See' you later, my friends. debra in nm

-- debra in nm (dhaden@nmtr.unm.edu), November 22, 2000.

Debra, this is a little late but I wanted to put my 2 cents in. I am on my third husband so I have learned alot. First no one is perfect but if you can deal with the imperfections you are on the way. second like many said you can't change someone so better like him the way he is. third if you enjoy nothing better than cuddling together at night and just spending simple time together then go for it. My mother said "enjoy the simple pleasures, there are many more of them than big things, if you enjoy the everyday simple pleasures you will be happy".

I think marriage is important, the vows mean something, through thick and thin etc....... living together just isn't the same in our book.

I am happy for you and yours, by the way, where is the wedding? Will it be in NM or your new place? We both send our best wishes. Tina and Larry

-- Tina (clia88@newmexico.com), November 22, 2000.

Okay, it's late, but here's my two cents' worth:

"To REALLY know a man, spend an hour with him in rush-hour traffic, and then go home and see how he treats his dog."

Surprisingly, this works!

Once when I was ill in bed with the flu and my feet were freezing, my husband secretly took out a pair of socks, heated them to practically boiling in front of the woodstove, and then slipped them on my feet. I tell you, THAT'S true love.

The query about whether you can work with your husband is dead-on true. We have a home business, a homestead, and are homeschooling our two kids. Lots of times friends have said, "I don't know how you can work with each other all day long; if I had to work with my husband/wife, we'd kill each other." This is SO true! We've been married ten years and still haven't had a fight!

Best of luck. If you can look at him critically and decide that there's NOTHING about him you would change, then marry him. I gave that advice to my younger brother, and he and his wife have been happily married seven years.

-- Patrice (dldesigns@wave.net), November 24, 2000.

After a marriage made in hell and a long divorce to match, I spent several years very thankful for the husband I did not have and grateful I wasn't stuck with one of the idiots other women had.

My Dear husband had to pass inspection. Do kids and dogs like him? this was just for a date. For marriage, He had to be approved by my three most trusted friends who stood by me through my previous divorce. He passed all the tests, including the rock test. ("I really like that giant boulder. Will you bring it home for me?")

For us, divorce is not an option. We can have a good marriage or we can have a bad marriage, our choice. We choose to have a good one and work at it. Sometimes, he gets his way sometimes I get my way, sometimes we just compromise. He was a keeper when I married him and he is still a keeper. Whenever we hit a low spot, I look around and am, again, thankful for the husbands who are not mine.

-- Laura (gsend@hotmail.com), November 25, 2000.

Why ruin a good friendship with marriage? I'm serious. I know folks who have lived together for 10-15 years. As soon as they got married....divorce. Don't know what it is about that little piece of paper.

-- ~Rogo (rogo2020@yahoo.com), November 26, 2000.

Is it lust, like or love you have?

If its lust, it will fade and divorce can be fast and cheap.

If its love, A live in friend is nice to have.

If its real, cant go on without each other love, the problems will not matter and you will work it out.

How about joining a church also. The love of a wife is fantastic. The love of a god is even better.

-- gary (gws@redbird.net), November 27, 2000.