Christmas funny and some jokes, or "Hey, y'all, lighten up!" : LUSENET : Countryside : One Thread

A Thought For Christmas Do you know what would have happened If it had been Three Wise Women Instead of Three Wise Men? They would have asked directions, Arrived on time, Helped deliver the baby, Cleaned the stable, Made a casserole, Brought practical gifts and There would be Peace On Earth. Pass it on to the wise women in your life! Something to smile about!

Two men were on a rooftop in Missouri during a flood. One of them noticed a hat going back and forth on top of the water in a regular pattern. He said to his buddy, "What in the world is that?" His buddy replied, "Oh, that's just Grandpa. He said come hell or high water he was going to mow the lawn today."

The relatives were gathered for the reading of the Last Will And Testament after the long awaited death. The lawyer opened the envelope, and read solemnly: "Being of sound mind and body, I spent every last cent before I died."

A patrol car has been following this vehicle for about 30 minutes now, when they finally decide to pull it over. The officer steps out and walks up to the driver's window. "Good afternoon sir". "Good afternoon officer, any problems?" "No sir, none at all. I have been following and observing you for a half an hour now. You have not committed one single traffic violation, you have not gone over the speed limit, you were courteous towards the fellow drivers on the road. Therefore, as a part of our new "Better Driving Program", I would like to present you with this check for $10,000.00.

"The driver lets out a big sigh of relief.... "Wonderful good! Now I can finally pay for my driver's license."

Awkward silence, then the wife sitting in the passenger seat says, "Don't listen to him, officer, he always talks nonsense like that when he has been drinking...."

Grandma, who's a little hard of hearing adds from the backseat, "You see, you see! And didn't I tell you not to go in a stolen car again?"

About this time the trunk pops open and a headpeeks out, "So, are we over the border yet?"

Q. What do you call a psychic dwarf that just escaped from prison? A. A small Medium at large.

Q. What do you call 100 singing idiots drinking diet soda and eating fruit? A. The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls. Caller: "I'd like to make a unanimous complaint, so don't use my name." Caller: "I'm reporting a deer on the road. I almost hit it." Call-taker: "Is the deer alive?" Caller: "Oh, no, it's run over. Many, many cars. Again and again, and - OH NO!!! NOT AGAIN!" Caller: "Am I talking to a real person, or this a recording?" Caller: "We might (cough) need the fire department here (cough)." Caller: "Is it okay for a civilian to take a person to the hospital, or does the ambulance have to do it?"

-- Soni (, November 18, 2000


Soni, Thank You, that was Wonderful!! I'm taking these to work today, we really need a few laughs!

-- Cathy Horn (, November 21, 2000.

Thanks Soni - to lighten up is a very good idea. In the greater scheme of things what is happening now will be small stuff. These were great. diane

-- Diane Green (, November 25, 2000.

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