A spoof on the Presidential Debates...greenspun.com : LUSENET : Countryside : One Thread
I receved this from a fiend and it made me smile, I hope some of you find it funny as well.
For those of you who didn't have time to watch the Presidential debates, here's a quick summary ....
>> >> Jim Lehrer: Welcome to the second presidential debate between Vice President Al Gore and Gov. George W. Bush. The candidates have agreed on these rules: I will ask a question. The candidate will ignore the question and deliver rehearsed remarks designed to appeal to undecided women voters. The opponent will then have one minute to respond by trying to frighten senior citizens into voting for him. When a speaker's time has expired, I will whimper softly while he continues to spew incomprehensible statistics for three more minutes. Let's start with the vice president. Mr. Gore, can you give us the name of a downtrodden citizen and then tell us his or her story in a way that strains the bounds of common sense?
>>>>Gore: As I was saying to Tipper last night after we tenderly made love the way we have so often during the 30 years of our rock-solid marriage, the downtrodden have a clear choice in this election. My opponent wants to cut taxes for the richest 1 percent of Americans. I, on the other hand, want to put the richest 1 percent in an iron clad lockbox so they can't hurt old people like Roberta Frampinhamper, who is here tonight. Mrs. Frampinhamper has been selling her internal organs, one by one, to pay for gas so that she can travel to these debates and personify problems for me. Also, her poodle has arthritis.
>>>>Lehrer: Gov. Bush, your rebuttal.
>>>>Bush: Governors are on the front lines every day, hugging people, crying with them, relieving suffering anywhere a photo opportunity exists. I want to empower those crying people to make their own decisions, unlike my opponent, whose mother is not Barbara Bush.
>>>>Lehrer: Let's turn to foreign affairs. Gov. Bush, if Slobodan Milosevic were to launch a bid to return to power in Yugoslavia, would you be able to pronounce his name?
>>>>Bush: The current administration had eight years to deal with that guy and didn't get it done. If I'm elected, the first thing I would do about that guy is have Dick Cheney confer with our allies. And then Dick would present me several options for dealing with that guy. And then Dick would tell me which one to choose. You know, as governor of Texas, I have to make tough foreign policy decisions every day about how we're going to deal with New Mexico.
>>>>Lehrer: Mr. Gore, your rebuttal.
>>>>Gore: Foreign policy is something I've always been keenly interested in. I served my country in Vietnam. I had an uncle who was a victim of poison gas in World War I. I myself lost a leg in the Franco-Prussian War. And when that war was over, I came home and tenderly made love to Tipper in away that any undecided woman voter would find romantic. If I'm entrusted with the office of president, I pledge to deal knowledgeably with any threat, foreign or domestic, by putting it in an iron clad lockbox. Because the American people deserve a president who can comfort them with simple metaphors.
>>>>Lehrer: Vice President Gore, how would you reform the Social Security system?
>>>>Gore: It's a vital issue, Jim. That's why Joe Lieberman and I have proposed changing the laws of mathematics to allow us to give $50,000 to every senior citizen without having it cost the federal treasury a single penny until the year 2250. In addition, my budget commits $60 trillion over the next 10 years to guarantee that all senior citizens can have drugs delivered free to their homes every Monday by a federal employee who will also help them with the child-proof cap.
>>>>Lehrer: Gov. Bush?
>>>>Bush: That's fuzzy math. I know, because as governor of Texas, I have to do math every day. I have to add up the numbers and decide whether I'm going to fill potholes out on Rt. 36 east of Abilene or commit funds to reroof the sheep barn at the Texas state fairgrounds.
>>>>Lehrer: It's time for closing statements.
>>>>Gore: I'm my own man. I may not be the most exciting politician, but I willfight for the working families of America, in addition to turning the White House into a lusty pit of marital love for Tipper and me.
>>>>Bush: It's time to put aside the partisanship of the past by electing no one but Republicans.
Lehrer: Good night.
-- Doreen (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 20, 2000
Amen! After watching them, I have to admit this is right on the mark.
-- Edward G. Weaver (email@example.com), October 20, 2000.
Doreen~ That was hilarious! I think it pretty much captures (capsizes?) the essence of these two guys!
-- sheepish (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 20, 2000.
Gosh....That was the best laugh I've had since this whole silly, orchastrated campaign began!!! THANKS for the laugh...hehehe....
-- Judy in Md. (email@example.com), October 20, 2000.
Thanks Doreen. That's a winner. After watching the first debate, I told my hubby, if I hear iron clad lockbox and fuzzy math one more time, I was going to scream!
-- Annie (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 20, 2000.
Good one, Doreen, but are you sure it was a -*-fiend-*- who sent it to you?=:)
Have you been to worldnetdaily and viewed the Gypsy Smith cartoons yet? I was just there laughing and thought of how you and Joel would enjoy them. I don't have the brain power to forward things like that.
-- Laura (email@example.com), October 20, 2000.
OOps! He's got a fiendish sense of humor, but no....he isn't a fiend. Yet another thing to laugh at! I haven't seen the Gypsy Smith cartoons. I will check them out.
-- Doreen (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 20, 2000.
I have to admit to you, my public, that I have been uninformed by my public due to spending many hours with my tipper which isn't a gore !
I have to ask ? Do you really want either of this make believe ken and barbies lead you ? They look like wax fiqures and they can't even lie==not to mention=the truth is not present either.
Thomas Jefferson would say " God Save the Queen" !
-- Joel Rosen (Joel681@webtv.net), October 21, 2000.
I am back being bad again and I really don't think we need a spoof just watch the real ones. They seemed like a spoof to me. gail
-- gail missouri ozarks (email@example.com), October 21, 2000.
Thanks Doreen! I decided not to watch the debates, and got a stern cussing out from my sister. She asked how I would know who to vote for if I didn't watch. I told her I was marking "Neither of the above". Joel, are you sure you won't accept the nomination? Jan
-- Jan in Colorado (Janice12@aol.com), October 22, 2000.
So I'm not the only one who listens to John Boy and Billy in the morning - this was one of their skits from last week and I made myself a menace to other drivers by listening to it on my commute and nearly driving off of the road laughing, a not uncommon reaction.
-- Soni (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 23, 2000.